"...To Be Alone"

Today I read Genesis 2 during my quiet time. It's not too usual to read Old Testament chapters for quiet time, I suppose, but I do think it challenges me to make sense of parts of the Bible that often get overlooked, or simply aren't seen as being worthy of spiritual enlightenment by the Bible study set. Reading through Genesis 2 was such a challenge. How does the story of Eve's creation fit into my life?

I'll start by saying that I'm still undecided about the old earth vs. young earth creation debate, although my faith doesn't crumble if either side is proven true (nor does it crumble if evolution is true, or if Adam and Eve were metaphorical characters). It do believe that every part of the Bible is useful, though, and when reading through Genesis my mind zoned in on the 18th verse: "The Lord God said, 'It is not good for the man to be alone. I will make a helper suitable for him.'"

This verse has often been used as proof that all men should marry, or that if a man is lonely, then he is not called to singleness and needs a wife. Now, I love all my friends who are trying to get married (gay, straight, or ex-gay), and I wish them all the luck in the world in finding the man or woman of their dreams.

However, Eve just wasn't made for Adam. She was made to be the mother of all humanity, to fill the world with people, who would go on to form communities. Marriage is a very good thing, but it isn't the cure for loneliness. Community in Christ is, and that's my brief devotional for today. I'm loving my time in Belize, everyone!

The Nature Of Love

1 John 4 - "Dear friends, let us love one another, for love comes from God. Everyone who loves has been born of God and loves God."

I often wonder what it means to love. I throw the word around a lot. In fact, any friend of mine -- whether online or in person -- will usually hear it from me. It's my standard closing, along with "Take care!" and "God bless!" Sometimes I have been told that I say it too much; that if I say it to everyone, then I have watered it down, and it can't be truly believed.

I don't know if that's true. Surely there are some people who I prefer to hang out with more than others, simply due to common interests or personal styles. However, like I said in the "Unity" post, even those things shouldn't keep us apart as brothers and sisters in Christ. Okay, so I might not have much in common with a janitor or a fireman or a soccer mom, but if we all believe in Christ we are required -- in fact, commanded -- to love each other.

Does love just sit there like a stone? No. Love does things. It has to be made. To say that I, soon-to-be college graduate, loves the farmer or the janitor but I don't spend time with them or care for them, then have I really loved them? I'm not saying that we are required to get along perfectly with everyone. I think it's fine to admit when we are outside of our comfort zones. But what I think is important is to step outside of our comfort zones, to seek relationships with those who we would never talk to if not for the bond of Christ. I think this is the way the world will know we are his.

Unity

Belize really is becoming a great place to have quiet times. Today I read in Ephesians, about the ways in which Christians should live together in the body of Christ.

It is so amazing, and slightly embarrassing, to think about the ways that Christians can divide themselves -- I should say ourselves -- over insignificant issues. I'm not saying distinctions between Catholic and Protestant, or even Baptist and Methodist, aren't important.

Nor do I think that political differences, or differences in psychological perspectives when it comes to the issue of homosexuality and the church, are insignificant. I wouldn't blog about them if I didn't think they were important to a certain extent, and that some people are hurt by certain practices or opinions.

However, reading through Ephesians has reminded me how insignificant those things will be in the next life. God won't ask if we were Democrat or Republican, gay or straight or ex-gay, Methodist or Adventist or Presbyterian or Catholic. He will ask -- to those of us who were called to one hope in him -- if we were "completely humble and gentle," or if we were "patient, bearing with one another in love."

So, despite the arguments we have as Christians -- whether it's about the age of the earth, the origins of homosexuality, the role of faith in politics, Biblical definitions of masculinity and femininity, or predestination vs. free will -- we must remember to "make every effort to keep the unity of the Spirit through the bond of peace."

Unity of the Spirit doesn't mean that we lose our unique perspectives and opinions. We don't become carbon copies of each other. Each one of us has been given grace as Christ appointed it, and while on earth we are supposed to have different talents and views, and different ways of thinking and talking, in order for the body of Christ to be built up. So this is a reminder to myself to remember these things, every time I have a conflict with a brother or sister in Christ.

A Spirit-Filled Life

Just so you know, I'm in Central America right now. My student teaching in North Carolina is over and I'm currently with a group of education majors teaching English in a small town on the coast of Belize. It's an amazing experience, and I hope to take you guys along with me while I go through it.

My first early morning in Belize has been a good one. I'm still getting used to the air here, and the easy way of life. I'm finding early mornings are very peaceful, and I am using them for Bible study, writing, and my journal, and other things like that.

I read Galatians 5 today and it talks about the fruit of the Spirit, and that the Spirit and sinful nature desire opposite things. There is no envy or selfish ambition in the Spirit, it says, which is a good reminder for me to focus less on my own comfort.

I do get very preoccupied with my own life. I mean, I blog, correct? But even more than that, I have a lot of goals and I work to achieve them. I worked my butt off in college and it helped me get into Johns Hopkins, one of the best graduate writing programs in the country.

While I'm there, I intend to continue working my butt off so I don't get into debt. Living in Baltimore could very well be expensive, but I'll live in a closet and work two jobs if I have to. I want to make sure that I don't get into debt because I want to be financially stable as possible.

And anyone who knows me knows that I don't want money so I can spend it. I want to have enough money not so I can have a fancy house or car or clothes, but so I can adopt a child as a single dad one day. On a teacher's salary, I know that I will need to start saving now, and pretty much all my short-term goals and sacrifices feed into that long-term one.

Is that selfish ambition? I haven't quite figured that out. I have a strong desire to be a father, and also a strong desire to be single. I know that I should be happy in whatever situation, because peace is found in the Lord. However, does that mean that I shouldn't work towards my goals?

Some of my goals have selfish motivations. I know this. I have a very strong defiant streak in me. I'm strong-willed and tunnel-visioned, and I realize this about myself. If someone doubts me, it pushes me forward in pretty incredible ways. It's worked well for me so far, giving me a 3.9 GPA in college and helping me get involved and succeed in many clubs, organizations, and jobs over the years.

If a non-Christian doubts my ability to remain celibate and happy, or an ex-gay doubts my ability to remain gay and also pure (since I'm not actively trying to change my orientation), then both of them simply motivate me to prove them both wrong, and my narrow focus will exhaust itself until I'm proven right. I've known a few ex-gays who have doubted me in the past who are now openly gay or are no longer Christians at all, and I'll admit that this vile, stubborn streak in me does experience satisfaction when those who have doubted me fall. That's when I know I've gone too far, and I know I need help and prayer to not do good works for absolutely wrong reasons such as this.

I do have right reasons for my goals. I want to be a writer because I want to entertain and inspire people, not because I want fame. I want a child not to prove that I'm just as happy and just as good of a father as the married dads, but to give a child a home and raise him or her in the Lord. I want to be a happy and assured single man in order to help minister to those who struggle with homosexuality, and to show them that even if they don't succeed at changing their sexual orientation or getting married, God is still with them and life is still amazing and worth living. My selfish or spiteful motivations can also be good and holy ones.

Trying to live out my life so that my heart does the will of the Spirit is difficult, and I pray that others support me so that I work towards my goals with God, not anger or spite, in mind. Advice or concerns would be welcome here. However, I am in Belize, so the connection is spotty at best and it will probably take awhile for comments to go through. Also, I have another blog to record my travels. Keep in mind that my family, students, and friends read that blog, so if you comment, don't mention "gay stuff," because I am not "out" to everyone, especially not my students. The address is here. God bless, and I look forward to your thoughts on this.

Confidence

One thing that I have certainly noticed over my student teaching so far is the amazing amount of confidence that I have built up. Now, I never have really seen myself as not being confident. I played sports in high school, I've worked with kids in numerous occasions before -- from summer camps to tutoring -- and I've worked as a leader in a few housing positions at my local university. However, being in front of a classroom is a totally different animal.

I think with my previous experiences I was still somewhat of a follower. I don't think this was necessarily a bad thing; it was simply how things went down. Okay, I was the "captain" of my track and cross country teams in high school but that was mainly a seniority thing, and all I really did was organize things and lead the warm-ups. While I was a camp counselor and an RA, I often took a back-seat to some of the other counselors when it came to group decisions.

Again, those aren't necessarily bad things. I was a good teammate and a loyal, hardworking coworker. I still am. But being in front of a classroom has given me the unique experience of being totally in charge. I am very fortunate that my supervising teacher is not a micro-manager. Quite the opposite, she expects for me to be bold and decisive when it comes to my lesson planning and my classroom management. If I bomb sometimes, I have to pick myself up.

And boy, I have definitely bombed a few times -- more than a few -- over this experience. I've made bad calls when it came to classroom management, I've procrastinated, I've had really poorly-planned lessons, and I've overlooked important dates and figures. There has been so much stuff thrown at me at once over the past six weeks and I am only now starting to feel like I have the swing of it. Now that I've said that, some new circumstance will come along, I'm sure.

But you know what? I'm okay with that. Through all of this, I've had to learn from my mistakes and pick up the pieces myself. I've become more confident not because I'm perfect, but because I know that if I screw up, I can simply be a man, say I'm sorry, and work hard to clean up whatever mess I made and move on -- learning to do better the next time. It's been a pretty great experience and it's really shown me what confidence really is. Goodnight, everyone!