tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-324293612024-02-07T13:04:50.562-05:00Adventures of a Christian CollegianJayhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/15232291579882899350noreply@blogger.comBlogger199125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-32429361.post-64024630684288953002010-06-14T12:33:00.004-04:002010-09-15T21:07:21.463-04:00Such Adventures...Well, this is the 200th post of "Adventures of a Christian Collegian," and I am sorry to say that it is also the last post. It took me awhile to figure out what to do with this blog, but ultimately I decided that I had really said all I needed to say about homosexuality and my college experience. I want to take this time to just reflect back on these past four years, in my usual completely random and unedited style, and thank all of you for being a part of the adventure. Because, truly, "adventure" is one of the only appropriate words to describe it.<div><br /></div><div>Man, this is a lot harder to do than I thought. How do I encapsulate four years and all the incredible experiences I had in that timeframe? How do I talk about how much I grew in God, how many wonderful, challenging, interesting, frustrating, infuriating, complicated, or downright fun people I encountered? How do I mention my shift in theology, and my oftentimes erratic relationship with God? How do I talk about the many, many mistakes I made, many of which weren't even hinted at on this blog?</div><div><br /></div><div>It's true that this blog doesn't even come close to representing a complete picture of my life, struggles, views, and quirks. As much as I've tried to be authentic, when push comes to shove it simply isn't feasible to write about every time I stumbled, every time I was depressed, or even every time I was joyful and at peace. There is a lot that I've processed away from this space online, and as the years went on and the friends around me grew closer, the amount of personal things that I processed became less and less.</div><div><br /></div><div>And that's how it should be. One of my biggest hopes is that, as the church and society become more tolerant and educated about the issue of homosexuality, people won't have to rely on online contact, which can only do so much in the development of strong Christian men and woman. It can do almost nothing compared to genuine fellowship and community with living, breathing people. Sure, it can be messy. There is a lot of false or potentially harmful information out there, and it is often mixed in with good intentions and sincere, honest people.</div><div><br /></div><div>I am reminded of the recent passing of Alan Medinger, who wrote <i><a href="http://www.amazon.com/Growth-into-Manhood-Resuming-Journey/dp/0877883068">Growth Into Manhood</a></i>, a book which pretty succinctly summarizes the traditional conversion model of homosexuality. It's a theory that I've spoken out against multiple times, and which has led to a lot of harm among families and men seeking to live out their faith in boldness and orthodoxy. I think it creates more ex-ex-gays than it does ex-gays, and it certainly has no scientific backing. Does that mean Medinger was a bad person or a bad Christian? No. Just a bad theorist.</div><div><br /></div><div>The thing is, this journey isn't an easy one, and it doesn't have clear route markers or hurdles to jump. Some people are going to believe some silly stuff for a season, and then find that it doesn't work for them. Others might hang onto it for life, but then again, I'm sure I'll have some prejudices or dumb ideas still lurking in my mind when I pass from this life to the next, as well. The main thing is whether or not I genuinely love Christ and love truth, regardless of whether or not I get either of those things perfectly right all the time.</div><div><br /></div><div>Does this mean that we don't continue to speak out against what is untruthful or potentially harmful? Of course not. But we also have to recognize shared humanity, shared journeying, and shared belief in Christ. An elderly woman in a small southern town may never resolve the prejudices about race which she was raised with, but that does not mean that Christ's grace, love, and forgiveness couldn't be expressed in other aspects of her life. We're human beings, and we're tricky. As I've grown more, I've realized that black and white is a horrible way to see.</div><div><br /></div><div>And sometimes I have to stop and look and realize just how much I have grown over the past four years. Every stupid mistake, petty argument, broken relationship, irresponsible choice, and foolish endeavor taught me something about myself and my relationship with God. Every individual who interacted with me, online or in person, positively or negatively, did something to help make me a better person and show me a way to be, or not to be. I hope those whom I am out of contact with now see this and realize that, good or bad, I appreciate them.</div><div><br /></div><div>There have been an amazing adventures over the past four years, and this blog only shows a fragment of them... Vacations, conversations, parties, concerts, books, music, movies... I really am losing coherence just thinking about all the fabulous things I have done, and I praise God daily for all the things he has shown me over the past four years. I've screwed up a lot, and realize that I still have a lot to learn and a long way to go on the path of sanctification, but when I take in everything, I am left with a sense of wonder and awe about how much He has done.</div><div><br /></div><div>Now I am at a place where I really have no idea what is ahead of me. I feel I've defined my views on homosexuality here, and I will be leaving this blog up in order to encourage others. I have a <a href="http://thenextadventures.blogspot.com/">new blog up</a>, although there is nothing at all there yet. Feel free to subscribe to it, so when I do eventually post there, you will know. Until then, I would love for longtime readers and lurkers to say their goodbyes to "Adventures of a Christian Collegian." Even if I never blog again, I'll always be around to engage with comments and e-mails.</div><div><br /></div><div>Until then, than you all for everything. Thank you all for being a part of the adventure. Thank the fellow believers for challenging me and encouraging me in my walk with Jesus Christ. Thank the nonbelievers for keeping me on my toes and challenging me. Sure, we never agreed, but it was great to engage in respectful dialogue and learn how to think about what I believed and why I believed it. I hope and pray that you all come to a full relationship with Jesus Christ, and I pray that you all enjoy the adventure, whether you're in college or not.</div><div><br /></div><object width="640" height="385"><param name="movie" value="http://www.youtube.com/v/PQZhN65vq9E&hl=en_US&fs=1"><param name="allowFullScreen" value="true"><param name="allowscriptaccess" value="always"><embed src="http://www.youtube.com/v/PQZhN65vq9E&hl=en_US&fs=1" type="application/x-shockwave-flash" allowscriptaccess="always" allowfullscreen="true" width="640" height="385"></embed></object><div><br /></div><div>Also, enjoy my girl Florence's cover of the Candi Staton gospel classic. You knew I wouldn't just leave you guys hanging without some amazing music, right? Much love and peace to you all. I can't wait to see the comments.</div>Jayhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/15232291579882899350noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-32429361.post-20272530684756352012010-05-09T22:31:00.004-04:002010-09-15T21:45:52.438-04:00My Testimony, For NowI've never really thought of writing out my testimony, which is strange. I fancy myself a writer and I know the power of stories to convey God's work in the lives of individuals. After all, the Bible is in narrative form for a reason, is it not? Stories have power. But stories can also be intimidating to write, especially when they are your own. Lives rarely move in a completely clean and clear linear fashion. They sprawl, and events repeat themselves over and over again, and memories are often tainted by our present realities, not to mention the fog of time. So when writing my testimony, I have to realize that I'm looking back over God's work in my life for the past 21 years. And really, that's only the beginning. Sometimes a story's beginning doesn't really make full sense until you reach the end, and since I haven't reached the end of mine yet, I'm not quite sure what aspects of my past are the most significant to tell.<div><br /></div><div>I'll start with the fact that I was raised in a Christian home. Of course, that can mean anything these days. I'll say that my parents were Methodists, and they took my siblings and I to church, and that we went to Sunday school, youth trips, and pool parties. I'm from a really small southern farm town, not too far from the Carolina coast. The life of the church and the social life of the town were practically identical, and despite all the positives to this, I can't recall a clear presentation of the gospel while growing up. God was the Santa in the sky described in movies and country music songs -- a kindly old guy with a beard who chuckled at humanity's shenanigans and helped us out every now and again. Sadly, I have a feeling that this is how most churchgoing Americans, even if they are in Bible-believing and Bible-preaching churches, see God.</div><div><br /></div><div>My family life growing up was pretty good. My father was a craftsman and I would work in his shop every day after school, and he taught me a lot about art, music, and the usual "dad" things like how to catch a ball or fix a car. My brother and I were very close, and together we did all the normal kid stuff: building tree houses, fishing, playing ball, riding our bikes, pulling pranks on our sister, etc. I even got along with my male peers very well growing up. And yet, I was "different." I didn't really notice my differences until puberty or so, but when I did notice them, I did everything in my power to hide them from others. That main difference was simple: while my male peers were beginning to notice and think about girls, I was beginning to notice and think about my male peers.</div><div><br /></div><div>I actually remember the first time I really recognized I was attracted to men. I was watching a television show, and some male actor -- I forget who, exactly -- came on the screen. My first thought was, "Wow, he is beautiful!" My next thought was, "No! He's a guy, and guys aren't allowed to think that about other guys." And thus began a cycle of denying the fact that I was, indeed, attracted to men. I began to stumble with homosexual pornography, but even so, I did not view myself as anything other than heterosexual. Such a thing simply wasn't spoken about outside of the bullying and taunts that I heard at school, especially since I was involved in sports and hung around the more athletic and "macho" students and teachers.</div><div><br /></div><div>And so I just buried it. I had girlfriends, I acted the part of the normal straight guy, while every night I would look at images of nude men on the Internet, and every day I would feel intense feelings of shame and guilt when I realized that I simply didn't find women attractive, but instead had to do everything to avoid conspicuous arousal as my teammates and I got changed in the locker room. I had no idea how I was going to deal with this issue once I got to college, but I knew it had to be dealt with. As many people do in times of crisis, I turned to faith, and I began to read my Bible and study Christianity seriously for the first time. What I found was that God didn't care about the fact that I liked dudes. I had so many other sins that were just as damning, mostly my pride, and my ignorance of him and his word. I didn't need to be worried about my sexuality at that time, because like most Christians, I hadn't even understood the basics of the faith. Without genuine belief in Christ, and understanding of the gospel, whether I was straight or not would not matter in an eternal sense.</div><div><br /></div><div>So I made the decision to put my trust in God, and to mean it this time. I think I expected my homosexuality to go away instantly at that time, but obviously it didn't happen. Instead, I have grown in my faith in so many incredible ways in the following four years. I've learned more about grace, sanctification, theology, and true, radical, Biblical love. My understanding of God's holiness and my constant need for repentance has continued to grow, and I am learning new things daily, despite my weakness and brokenness. My sexual struggles are, to me, pretty parallel to the struggles that straight men. Yes, they are present, and I struggle with lust and pornography. </div><div><br /></div><div>If there is any unique struggle, it is that I am not sure I will ever be able to marry a woman. Personally, I have found quite a bit of fulfillment in singleness, and have been assured that singles are just as commended by God if they serve the kingdom with their whole hearts, which is what I intend to do. It's a daily struggle, and I know I need other Christians around who can stand with me in my loneliness and despair -- when those moments come -- and remind me of God's grace. Hopefully, I can do the same for them when they struggle.</div><div><br /></div>Jayhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/15232291579882899350noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-32429361.post-75812881428415041312010-04-21T13:28:00.008-04:002010-09-15T21:07:38.826-04:00Here And There<blockquote></blockquote>I've been so busy lately, but I'm still reading and looking at interesting blogs and posts. Most have to do with homosexuality, but others are simply theological or political in nature. Here are some of the posts I've read recently.<div><br /></div><div>-- Reader A.J. shows exactly <a href="http://wanderingthoughtsofabrokenman.blogspot.com/2010/04/day-i-knew-i-was-different.html">why James Dobson sucks</a>.</div><div><br /></div><div>-- Brady shares his thoughts about <a href="http://someguysarenormal.blogspot.com/2010/04/day-of-truth-maybe-not.html">the Day of Truth</a>.</div><div><br /></div><div>-- Warren Throckmorton does a round up of Day of Silence and <a href="http://wthrockmorton.com/2010/04/16/day-of-silence-golden-rule-pledge-roundup/">Golden Rule Pledge activities</a>.<br /></div><div><br /></div><div>-- Tim Challies writes an excellent essay <a href="http://www.challies.com/christian-living/a-captive-conscience">about disagreements on doctrine</a>.</div><div><br /></div><div>-- Karen blogs about the recent coming out of Jennifer Knapp. Also, hurray <a href="http://pursuegod.wordpress.com/2010/04/15/jennifer-knapp-is-out-of-the-closet/">for Karen blogging again</a>!</div><div><br /></div><div>-- Matthew Anderson writes about the objection of Miss Knapp, in terms of the divisive issue of which <a href="http://firstthings.com/blogs/evangel/2010/04/the-objectification-of-jennifer-knapp/">she is unfortunately a part</a>.<br /></div><div><br /></div><div>-- Courage Man writes a great post about how we gay guys are kind of easy to spot, especially by women. Basically, it's because we have no trouble keeping our eyes where they should be when talking to girls, and they notice this. Straight brothers and struggling sisters beware, a picture of a scantilly clad Kardashian sister makes <a href="http://courageman.blogspot.com/2010/03/accidental-outing.html">an appearance in this post</a>.</div><div><br /></div><div>-- Ex-gay Watch reports about how protesters speaking out against "Don't Ask, Don't Tell" were ordered away from the White House, as were the media. No matter where you stand on this issue, this seems like a pretty clear violation of free speech and <a href="http://www.exgaywatch.com/wp/2010/04/media-ordered-away-from-dadt-protest-at-white-house/">the right to peacefully assemble</a>.</div><div><br /></div><div>-- Reader, and friend, Freelancer posts about how Maureen Dowd's brother got <a href="http://thinkreasonquestionpray.blogspot.com/2010/04/dowds-common-mistake.html">it so very wrong</a>.</div><div><br /></div><div>-- Randy Thomas points out a movie that I might want to see. Hopefully, <a href="http://blog.exodusinternational.org/2010/04/21/gay-father-christian-son-reconciliation-the-movi/">it's not too preachy</a>.</div><div><br /></div><div>Blessings, everyone! Hope life is good.</div>Jayhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/15232291579882899350noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-32429361.post-83945855973453102102010-04-17T18:14:00.006-04:002010-09-15T21:08:47.693-04:00What It Means To Be Side B<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:georgia;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:medium;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:verdana;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:small;">So, I have to thank everyone for their prayers and concerns after yesterday's post. I really am feeling better, and the support here, on Facebook, and in e-mails has been overwhelming, especially since Neo linked my blog on a "Boundless" post about Jennifer Knapp. Thanks, Neo! I'm getting more traffic than ever before.</span></span></span></span><div><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:verdana;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:small;"><br /></span></span></div><div><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:verdana;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:small;">In a private response to my last post, a dear friend of mine, who would also identify as a gay celibate Christian (also known as Side B by the elect at the Gay Christian Network, as my friend Joe would put it) wrote a great definition of what it means to live between these two worlds. I just thought I'd post it here. If he gets mad at me for posting it, I'll take it down, but I doubt he </span></span><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:verdana;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:small;">will. Hope everyone has a blessed day.</span></span></div><div><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:verdana;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:small;"><br /></span></span></div><div><span class="Apple-style-span" style="color: rgb(51, 51, 51);"><i><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:verdana;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:small;">We're different. We know this. Somehow, we have found peace with our faith and our "gayness." I truly am happy knowing I finally peaceful with my sexuality and the God who loves me, in ways I cannot even measure. Still there's that something missing. We're not the guys who can just ignore the fact that we're attracted to other men, we can't (like others) suppress what we are. And we're not like the guys who can just engage and emerge head on into the gay lifestyle, as far as pursuing guys and being physical with our partners, etc. So we find a common </span></span></i><span class="Apple-style-span" style="color: rgb(0, 0, 0);"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="color: rgb(51, 51, 51);"><i><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:verdana;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:small;">ground... We'll be who we are but pursue a celibate life. Yet something remains. A desire for companionship, a hope that one day we can hold the heart of another, and he can hold our hearts</span></span></i><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:verdana;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:small;">.</span></span></span></span></span></div>Jayhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/15232291579882899350noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-32429361.post-33211150010994370792010-04-16T18:49:00.003-04:002010-09-15T21:08:56.499-04:00Number OneI have to admit that I'm enjoying my time in Belize, but at the same time I am feeling very homesick, and am struggling with an almost crushing loneliness and depression. It happens often, but sometimes it's worse than usual, and much more difficult to push through. Just so you know, this post doesn't mean I'm dying. I think these musings are authentic thoughts for any single person, especially those who are Christian and gay. If the Christian culture in which we live was not so plastic, perhaps more would share instead of trying to appear strong.<br /><br />A lot of this depression centers around the concept of being number one. I don't mean number one at my job or at a particular sport. I mean number one to another person. I have many friends in relationships, married, dating, straight, gay, or ex-gay. They each see their boyfriends and girlfriends, or husbands and wives, as their number one person. If there was a fire, and everyone they knew was in the building, and yet they could only save one person, they would be spared. And everyone else in the building would probably also have a number one who would save them as well.<br /><br />But not me. I'm not saying that as a, "Woe is me," kind of thing. It's simply a fact. Sure, I have lots of friends and family, but with all of them, I am not important enough to be considered number one. I'm number five or six, at best, with my siblings, because their spouses and children rightly come first. I'm a background character in all of my friends' lives. If every life was a television show, I wouldn't be a star in <span id="SPELLING_ERROR_0" class="blsp-spelling-corrected">any one's</span>. I'd be that wacky neighbor who shows up every three episodes.<br /><br />I want to be number one. I want someone to save me if they had to choose one person to save. I know, the Christians here are going to say that Jesus should be my number one, and he is, but if those Christians are married or in relationships, I will politely tell them to be quiet. Jesus loves everyone, and doesn't play favorites. I want to be one person's favorite.<br /><br />And I'm sure people are going to say that's selfish. Again, if those people are married, I'll remind them that they're eating cake, and they're asking me to be content with crumbs. I'll be content with crumbs: None of this should raise alarms to people who are concerned about my walk. My feelings don't change my views and I live according to the latter, not the former.<br /><br />The main problem is that I can't fix this. It's a hard reality. Even for the single people who are totally content, that doesn't change the fact that -- unless they have a best friend who is also single -- they are no one's number one. I know I can push through this. I'm active, I'm friendly, I'm involved. I thrill seek (went rock climbing this past week) and do what I need to do to make it through, but the fact is I'm not <span id="SPELLING_ERROR_1" class="blsp-spelling-corrected">any one's</span> number one, and the guy who is mine (my brother, who I consider my best friend) puts his wife and children first, and I tie with my sister.<br /><br />And yes, I really do have my relationships ranked in list form. It's how my mind works. I guess my main question is how do I live with this? It's a fact. Even if I do get married one day, it will still be a fact for other single people out there. So what can be done? How do you live when you are no one's number one, when that's one of the primary drives that we have as human beings? If you are single, how do you cope with it? If you are married, what do you do to comfort and ease the pain of your single friends, because I don't want to call people out, but I do think that's your responsibility. I don't think just leaving the single people to their own devices is a good idea, but of course that's how the church often acts, because once people have their number ones, they often just forget about everyone else who doesn't.Jayhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/15232291579882899350noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-32429361.post-81378067390353620382010-03-31T13:15:00.003-04:002010-09-15T21:10:28.780-04:00"...To Be Alone"Today I read Genesis 2 during my quiet time. It's not too usual to read Old <span id="SPELLING_ERROR_0" class="blsp-spelling-corrected">Testament</span> chapters for quiet time, I suppose, but I do think it challenges me to make sense of parts of the Bible that often get overlooked, or simply aren't seen as being worthy of spiritual enlightenment by the Bible study set. Reading through Genesis 2 was such a challenge. How does the story of Eve's creation fit into my life?<br /><br />I'll start by saying that I'm still undecided about the old earth vs. young earth creation debate, although my faith doesn't crumble if either side is proven true (nor does it crumble if evolution is true, or if Adam and Eve were metaphorical characters). It do believe that every part of the Bible is useful, though, and when reading through Genesis my mind zoned in on the 18<span id="SPELLING_ERROR_1" class="blsp-spelling-error">th</span> verse: "The Lord God said, 'It is not good for the man to be alone. I will make a helper suitable for him.'"<br /><br />This verse has often been used as proof that all men should marry, or that if a man is lonely, then he is not called to singleness and needs a wife. Now, I love all my friends who are trying to get married (gay, straight, or ex-gay), and I wish them all the luck in the world in finding the man or woman of their dreams.<br /><br />However, Eve just wasn't made for Adam. She was made to be the mother of all humanity, to fill the world with people, who would go on to form communities. Marriage is a very good thing, but it isn't the cure for loneliness. Community in Christ is, and that's my brief devotional for today. I'm loving my time in Belize, everyone!Jayhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/15232291579882899350noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-32429361.post-87244563129459286812010-03-23T20:09:00.004-04:002010-09-15T21:09:06.875-04:00The Nature Of Love1 John 4 - "Dear friends, let us love one another, for love comes from God. Everyone who loves has been born of God and loves God."<div><br /></div><div>I often wonder what it means to love. I throw the word around a lot. In fact, any friend of mine -- whether online or in person -- will usually hear it from me. It's my standard closing, along with "Take care!" and "God bless!" Sometimes I have been told that I say it too much; that if I say it to everyone, then I have watered it down, and it can't be truly believed.</div><div><br /></div><div>I don't know if that's true. Surely there are some people who I prefer to hang out with more than others, simply due to common interests or personal styles. However, like I said in the "Unity" post, even those things shouldn't keep us apart as brothers and sisters in Christ. Okay, so I might not have much in common with a janitor or a fireman or a soccer mom, but if we all believe in Christ we are required -- in fact, commanded -- to love each other.</div><div><br /></div><div>Does love just sit there like a stone? No. Love does things. It has to be made. To say that I, soon-to-be college graduate, loves the farmer or the janitor but I don't spend time with them or care for them, then have I really loved them? I'm not saying that we are required to get along perfectly with everyone. I think it's fine to admit when we are outside of our comfort zones. But what I think is important is to step outside of our comfort zones, to seek relationships with those who we would never talk to if not for the bond of Christ. I think this is the way the world will know we are his.</div>Jayhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/15232291579882899350noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-32429361.post-47496735690107271732010-03-20T09:12:00.001-04:002010-09-15T21:09:15.071-04:00Unity<div>Belize really is becoming a great place to have quiet times. Today I read in Ephesians, about the ways in which Christians should live together in the body of Christ.</div><div><br /></div><div>It is so amazing, and slightly embarrassing, to think about the ways that Christians can divide themselves -- I should say ourselves -- over insignificant issues. I'm not saying distinctions between Catholic and Protestant, or even Baptist and Methodist, aren't important.</div><div><br /></div><div>Nor do I think that political differences, or differences in psychological perspectives when it comes to the issue of homosexuality and the church, are insignificant. I wouldn't blog about them if I didn't think they were important to a certain extent, and that some people are hurt by certain practices or opinions.</div><div><br /></div><div>However, reading through Ephesians has reminded me how insignificant those things will be in the next life. God won't ask if we were Democrat or Republican, gay or straight or ex-gay, Methodist or Adventist or Presbyterian or Catholic. He will ask -- to those of us who were called to one hope in him -- if we were "completely humble and gentle," or if we were "patient, bearing with one another in love."</div><div><br /></div><div>So, despite the arguments we have as Christians -- whether it's about the age of the earth, the origins of homosexuality, the role of faith in politics, Biblical definitions of masculinity and femininity, or predestination vs. free will -- we must remember to "make every effort to keep the unity of the Spirit through the bond of peace."</div><div><br /></div><div>Unity of the Spirit doesn't mean that we lose our unique perspectives and opinions. We don't become carbon copies of each other. Each one of us has been given grace as Christ appointed it, and while on earth we are supposed to have different talents and views, and different ways of thinking and talking, in order for the body of Christ to be built up. So this is a reminder to myself to remember these things, every time I have a conflict with a brother or sister in Christ. </div>Jayhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/15232291579882899350noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-32429361.post-10048246408907834412010-03-18T10:48:00.001-04:002010-09-15T21:09:21.318-04:00A Spirit-Filled Life<div>Just so you know, I'm in Central America right now. My student teaching in North Carolina is over and I'm currently with a group of education majors teaching English in a small town on the coast of Belize. It's an amazing experience, and I hope to take you guys along with me while I go through it.</div><div><br /></div><div>My first early morning in Belize has been a good one. I'm still getting used to the air here, and the easy way of life. I'm finding early mornings are very peaceful, and I am using them for Bible study, writing, and my journal, and other things like that.</div><div><br /></div><div>I read Galatians 5 today and it talks about the fruit of the Spirit, and that the Spirit and sinful nature desire opposite things. There is no envy or selfish ambition in the Spirit, it says, which is a good reminder for me to focus less on my own comfort.</div><div><br /></div><div>I do get very preoccupied with my own life. I mean, I blog, correct? But even more than that, I have a lot of goals and I work to achieve them. I worked my butt off in college and it helped me get into Johns Hopkins, one of the best graduate writing programs in the country.</div><div><br /></div><div>While I'm there, I intend to continue working my butt off so I don't get into debt. Living in Baltimore could very well be expensive, but I'll live in a closet and work two jobs if I have to. I want to make sure that I don't get into debt because I want to be financially stable as possible.</div><div><br /></div><div>And anyone who knows me knows that I don't want money so I can spend it. I want to have enough money not so I can have a fancy house or car or clothes, but so I can adopt a child as a single dad one day. On a teacher's salary, I know that I will need to start saving now, and pretty much all my short-term goals and sacrifices feed into that long-term one.</div><div><br /></div><div>Is that selfish ambition? I haven't quite figured that out. I have a strong desire to be a father, and also a strong desire to be single. I know that I should be happy in whatever situation, because peace is found in the Lord. However, does that mean that I shouldn't work towards my goals?</div><div><br /></div><div>Some of my goals have selfish motivations. I know this. I have a very strong defiant streak in me. I'm strong-willed and tunnel-visioned, and I realize this about myself. If someone doubts me, it pushes me forward in pretty incredible ways. It's worked well for me so far, giving me a 3.9 GPA in college and helping me get involved and succeed in many clubs, organizations, and jobs over the years.</div><div><br /></div><div>If a non-Christian doubts my ability to remain celibate and happy, or an ex-gay doubts my ability to remain gay and also pure (since I'm not actively trying to change my orientation), then both of them simply motivate me to prove them both wrong, and my narrow focus will exhaust itself until I'm proven right. I've known a few ex-gays who have doubted me in the past who are now openly gay or are no longer Christians at all, and I'll admit that this vile, stubborn streak in me does experience satisfaction when those who have doubted me fall. That's when I know I've gone too far, and I know I need help and prayer to not do good works for absolutely wrong reasons such as this.</div><div><br /></div><div>I do have right reasons for my goals. I want to be a writer because I want to entertain and inspire people, not because I want fame. I want a child not to prove that I'm just as happy and just as good of a father as the married dads, but to give a child a home and raise him or her in the Lord. I want to be a happy and assured single man in order to help minister to those who struggle with homosexuality, and to show them that even if they don't succeed at changing their sexual orientation or getting married, God is still with them and life is still amazing and worth living. My selfish or spiteful motivations can also be good and holy ones.</div><div><br /></div><div>Trying to live out my life so that my heart does the will of the Spirit is difficult, and I pray that others support me so that I work towards my goals with God, not anger or spite, in mind. Advice or concerns would be welcome here. However, I am in Belize, so the connection is spotty at best and it will probably take awhile for comments to go through. Also, I have another blog to record my travels. Keep in mind that my family, students, and friends read that blog, so if you comment, don't mention "gay stuff," because I am not "out" to everyone, especially not my students. The address is <a href="http://hollomaninbelize.blogspot.com/">here.</a> God bless, and I look forward to your thoughts on this.</div>Jayhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/15232291579882899350noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-32429361.post-64759140081347587032010-03-03T20:36:00.005-05:002010-09-15T21:09:28.285-04:00Confidence<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEi6KC7UWl5-8lMPm5NZmlHTt9fISsLsoDmPZgAydmV6ObLzPEe0weMiSB9YYfcvEtkjTr9N8ggfeqIA5LI4wsmAhEulpjF5iU0bL1WMFTADlh6e2rkg8iky-DYMOh9557leTVQ4/s1600-h/Male+Teacher.jpg"><img id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5444589967244535538" style="margin: 0px 10px 10px 0px; float: left; width: 139px; height: 200px;" alt="" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEi6KC7UWl5-8lMPm5NZmlHTt9fISsLsoDmPZgAydmV6ObLzPEe0weMiSB9YYfcvEtkjTr9N8ggfeqIA5LI4wsmAhEulpjF5iU0bL1WMFTADlh6e2rkg8iky-DYMOh9557leTVQ4/s200/Male+Teacher.jpg" border="0" /></a>One thing that I have certainly noticed over my student teaching so far is the amazing amount of confidence that I have built up. Now, I never have really seen myself as not being confident. I played sports in high school, I've worked with kids in numerous occasions before -- from summer camps to tutoring -- and I've worked as a leader in a few housing positions at my local university. However, being in front of a classroom is a totally different animal.<br /><div></div><br /><div>I think with my previous experiences I was still somewhat of a follower. I don't think this was necessarily a bad thing; it was simply how things went down. Okay, I was the "captain" of my track and cross country teams in high school but that was mainly a seniority thing, and all I really did was organize things and lead the warm-ups. While I was a camp counselor and an RA, I often took a back-seat to some of the other counselors when it came to group decisions.</div><br /><div>Again, those aren't necessarily bad things. I was a good teammate and a loyal, hardworking coworker. I still am. But being in front of a classroom has given me the unique experience of being totally in charge. I am very fortunate that my supervising teacher is not a micro-manager. Quite the opposite, she expects for me to be bold and decisive when it comes to my lesson planning and my classroom management. If I bomb sometimes, I have to pick myself up.</div><br /><div>And boy, I have definitely bombed a few times -- more than a few -- over this experience. I've made bad calls when it came to classroom management, I've procrastinated, I've had really poorly-planned lessons, and I've overlooked important dates and figures. There has been so much stuff thrown at me at once over the past six weeks and I am only now starting to feel like I have the swing of it. Now that I've said that, some new circumstance will come along, I'm sure.</div><br /><div>But you know what? I'm okay with that. Through all of this, I've had to learn from my mistakes and pick up the pieces myself. I've become more confident not because I'm perfect, but because I know that if I screw up, I can simply be a man, say I'm sorry, and work hard to clean up whatever mess I made and move on -- learning to do better the next time. It's been a pretty great experience and it's really shown me what confidence really is. Goodnight, everyone!</div>Jayhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/15232291579882899350noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-32429361.post-32805522278763372202010-03-02T21:26:00.003-05:002010-09-15T21:09:34.352-04:00The Hunt<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjSmA2v49qU-5JTDDPm6xvt2iWsi3g854q0dzx9VMEbH-FksRR82oaultkJpAceP7WRyakqnZ7fWvA76VCiXOXLZUiXt2FRkznivSkImL5ZYlSRdfGyFnWFdmMWFUXA3r7Jj8pp/s1600-h/Hopkins.jpg"><img id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5444232154445747346" style="margin: 0px 10px 10px 0px; float: left; width: 150px; height: 200px;" alt="" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjSmA2v49qU-5JTDDPm6xvt2iWsi3g854q0dzx9VMEbH-FksRR82oaultkJpAceP7WRyakqnZ7fWvA76VCiXOXLZUiXt2FRkznivSkImL5ZYlSRdfGyFnWFdmMWFUXA3r7Jj8pp/s200/Hopkins.jpg" border="0" /></a>Hello again! I suppose if there is something other than student teaching taking up my time and energy these days, it's my hunt for a good graduate school. Before Christmas, I ended up applying to ten schools across seven states. At this point in my semester, I have already received acceptance letters from five of them. I haven't received a rejection letter yet, and that, to be honest, is quite overwhelming.<br /><div></div><br /><div>Of course I see myself as extremely fortunate that I have the ability to choose between so many great schools. So far, I have been accepted to two pretty standard (but still good) state colleges, one private Jesuit college, and and two very elite private colleges -- one in California and one in Maryland. I'm absolutely thrilled to be accepted into all of them. To be totally honest, I have always been somewhat insecure about my academic ability.</div><br /><div>To be accepted into such great schools is a bit of an ego-booster. I've talked with several professors about how shocked I am that I've had this many acceptances -- the reason I applied to so many schools, after all, was because I was certain that most would reject me. Realizing that even my "long shot" schools said yes has been an interesting experience, and even though in many ways it validates the hard work I've put into my college career, it's humbling as well.</div><br /><div>I really am not a great intellect. I will go ahead and say that right now. I can certainly be lazy at times and like I said in my last post, I procrastinate like it's no one's business. I'm pretty good at making connections and networking -- both online and in person -- but I realize that's not really a skill that takes any kind of work or effort. It's just a personality trait. The fact that I've gotten into so many graduate schools shocks me because, well, I'm just not sure I deserve them.</div><br /><div>However, I can't deny that God has opened up some pretty great opportunities for me, and I am going to take them. I don't know how I'm going to decide. There are so many factors to take into consideration, from name recognition to finances to location and distance from friends and family. I will definitely be praying a lot over the next few weeks as more information comes in and I get closer to my decision. I hope you guys will pray as well. God bless!</div>Jayhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/15232291579882899350noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-32429361.post-76661584476520533172010-03-01T22:24:00.005-05:002010-09-15T21:09:41.186-04:00Yellow Legal Pads<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEi4ePZgPl-jakeTwbUbNcK9sGyH_KKGvv-zeNhs1NK_9EtlOp6I8cBfEnc9uvOv1n3VyufUjNPgCm2M-KSDtueSd8vayy6lvft_TDzPKac4n-cyzrYO1Oa7KXleXxyD6wu-AB1A/s1600-h/Legal+Pads.jpg"><img id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5443877389219297890" style="margin: 0px 10px 10px 0px; float: left; width: 200px; height: 200px;" alt="" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEi4ePZgPl-jakeTwbUbNcK9sGyH_KKGvv-zeNhs1NK_9EtlOp6I8cBfEnc9uvOv1n3VyufUjNPgCm2M-KSDtueSd8vayy6lvft_TDzPKac4n-cyzrYO1Oa7KXleXxyD6wu-AB1A/s200/Legal+Pads.jpg" border="0" /></a> Hello, all! I know it's been forever since I posted last, and that was after I made a certain commitment to posting regularly. I guess that all went down the metaphorical toilet quickly, right? There is a pretty good reason for that: teaching. Honestly, I have never been more tired in my entire life. It wasn't this bad when I was working at a summer camp, getting very little sleep and dealing with energetic elementary school kids all day and all night, it wasn't this bad.<br /><div></div><br /><div>My life has become so structured in the last few weeks, it's ridiculous. I've always had a certain affinity for yellow legal pads but nowadays I live my life by them. I seriously have a whole stack in my room, filled with checklists, addresses, notes, prayer lists, Bible verses to look up, students whose parents I need to call or whose papers I have yet to grade, and all sorts of other little things (like the number of the mechanic I had to scribble down today after I had car trouble).</div><br /><div>Seriously, I had no idea being a grown up was like this. At the same time, I really enjoy the amount of structure. I like the checklists and the prayer lists. It actually helps me get stuff done. Oh, of course I still procrastinate. Heck, I am procrastinating on grading some spelling tests at this very moment. But I'm still able to get all the work I need to get done done. And honestly, I've never felt more assertive and in control in my life. It's quite liberating in a way.</div><br /><div>One thing that I think intrigues me about my newfound reliance on checklists is that it gives me a certain view of how much a person can get done in a day. There are so many little interactions that one barely ever notices, but writing them all down on a little legal pad makes you realize just how much <em>stuff </em>human beings do in a day (especially those who work a job as stressful as teaching English to high school students).</div><br /><div>I don't know if there's anything particularly profound or interesting about that. I'm still learning how to deal with everything. I do intent to blog every day this week. Not long posts, and probably nothing too deep either. I just like the structure of it, and I like the idea of getting back into a daily blog habit, which is how this blog first started. I hope you all stick around for the adventure, because let me tell you, it's pretty wild!</div>Jayhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/15232291579882899350noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-32429361.post-87321112958514505402010-01-18T09:23:00.004-05:002010-09-15T21:09:47.295-04:00Nosy<div>I realize that I am quite the nosy person. I've tried to find other words for it—<em>inquisitive</em> worked for awhile—but when it comes down to it, I think <em>nosy </em>is probably the most accurate. I really do just like to know other people's business, but I don't have any malicious or meddlesome intent. Generally, I think I simply like to know things for the sake of knowing them. I'm a motivated lifelong learner, and what could possibly be a more fascinating subject to explore than the many motivations, fears, beliefs, obsessions, family histories, friendships, and experiences that shape people?<br /><br />Mark Twain once said, "There was never yet such a thing as an uninteresting life. Such a thing is an impossibility. Inside of the dullest exterior is a drama, a comedy, and a tragedy." I have found this to be largely true. One of the most telling parts about human pride is that we assume that our complex inner lives are totally unique and that how we view the world is <span style="font-style: italic;">the</span> way the world is. In one sense, that is true. We are incredibly unique and the way we view the world is probably the most important to how we live our individual lives. Therefore, what could possibly be more interesting in life than to look at how other people view the world?<br /><br />The Internet, of course, gives us even more room to be nosy. It turns us into miniature journalists, except we don't have to go through the difficult steps of actually meeting and interviewing people to learn all about them most of the time. We can see a blog or a profile on <span class="blsp-spelling-error" id="SPELLING_ERROR_0">Facebook</span> and <span class="blsp-spelling-error" id="SPELLING_ERROR_1">MySpace</span> and immediately presume to know a person's complexities. It's silly, of course. This blog doesn't reveal all that I am. But it's a good place to start, and I know that people who have met me through here have gotten to know a lot of my story. One could say they were nosy, but then again, I was putting myself out there to have my story heard about.<br /><br />I guess the sad thing is that you really can't know everyone. There is always going to be that one fascinating, beautiful person who you only saw at a party once, or who is a friend of a friend of a friend. You'll only want to sit down and talk with them and hear all about their story, but alas, your paths simply won't cross in this lifetime. There's an overwhelming sense of loss and wonder there, like when I walk into a library and see all the wonderful books that I simply will never have a chance to read. Or when I think about all the places in the world that I will not have the time to see.<br /><br />So of course I need to learn how to hold back this desire to know everybody. It's not really polite to go up to people and ask personal questions as soon as you meet them, but of course I'm just that kind of guy. I'm not a journalist (yet!) so I can't just go up to people and ask questions. I guess I'll just have to be content getting to know the fascinating and interesting people that God has put in my life, and writing fiction around the glimpses of others that I see. After all, taking notes about people and writing fiction about them is what all good authors do, right? I know this post has been rambling, but hey, that has always been the case. Goodnight, everybody!<br /></div>Jayhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/15232291579882899350noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-32429361.post-1248721540293002922010-01-11T20:19:00.003-05:002010-09-15T21:09:54.465-04:00FocusWell, it has been an interesting start to the new year. I started student teaching last week. I'm not actually teaching yet. So far I'm simply observing and writing lesson plans, but I do have my own desk! It's a bit overwhelming, because I have to plan the whole semester in these next two weeks, but I'm pretty confident I can get things done. It's one of those things where waiting last minute to plan things would make me look like an idiot in front of my students, and that, I have found, is quite good motivation. So is the fact that my every move is going to be monitored by my supervising teacher for the first few weeks.<br /><br />It's quite amazing how this new structure of the day has affected my life. Being forced to get up by 6:30 so I can make it to school by 7:30, not being able to access Facebook all day, not being able to take a mid-afternoon nap, and having definite goals and objectives in my day has helped me stay focused on other aspects of my life, even if they aren't school-related. Perhaps it sounds silly, but I do think "focus" is a good theme for this semester. (Everyone has themes for particular months and years, right? Or is that just me?)<br /><br />I have a million things I need to focus on when it comes the collegian side of things: from lesson plans to portfolios to graduate school applications (which, thank goodness, are almost done!) But on the Christian side of things, I only have a few goals for this semester. I mean, they're very big goals (what aspect of faith can be dealt with lightly?) but they're few in number. One is to gain more control of my spending and make sure that I am giving more. I'm a very blessed person. Simply having food in my belly, a roof over my head, clean clothes on my back, a warm bed to sleep in, and a college education makes me a hundred times more fortunate than the vast majority of people on Earth.<br /><br />I really need to keep better track of the money I spend on extra items, then, because I do think it shows a lack of spiritual discipline to be in debt due to frivolous spending. I also need to develop more of a heart for the poor. I've started feeling convicted that I need to start tithing regularly. The church that I attend is an excellent place, and they are constantly doing a variety of projects to help the poor in the community and spread the Gospel. Due to my very limited time this semester, I can't exactly participate, but I know I can give. I highly encourage others to give to worthy causes as well. <a href="http://trippingstumblingwhilefollowingjesus.blogspot.com/2009/12/something-practical-that-you-can-do-for.html">My friend Joe recently pointed me towards a cause he has been working with</a>, which helps provide water towards those who are less fortunate in other countries. If you can, please check it out and give what you can, because I know he's passionate about it, and it's a great cause.<br /><br />The second thing I need to focus on is my Biblical knowledge. My friend Josh <a href="http://thebeloved.vox.com/library/post/the-basics-of-christian-faith.html">recently posted a very interesting and convicting post on his blog</a> about the lack of Biblical knowledge among Christians. As an English major, who tends to take definitions and clarity very seriously, I'm somewhat ashamed that I could not answer the entire list of questions off the top of my head. For a Christian, I do think it's necessary that I be able to clearly define the Gospel, justification, the Great Commission, as well as clearly explain doctrines such as grace, the Trinity, etc. I do think that grace, marked by the presence of the Holy Spirit, is what saves. Intellect does not. However, a clear working knowledge of Scripture and doctrine seems pretty important.<br /><br />And before I really settle down on my stance on the Calvinist/Arminian issue (I'm still working on that, as I mentioned in <a href="http://collegejay.blogspot.com/2009/06/square-one.html">this post</a>), I really do need to cover the basics. They're in my heart, and I love Christ with my whole heart, but there are certain things that I simply need to be able to articulate in an intelligent, clear manner. <a href="http://collegejay.blogspot.com/2010/01/is-this-thing-still-on.html">Like I said in my last post</a>, I've kind of already figured out where I stand and how I need to move forward when it comes to the whole homosexuality issue. I can't sit around and talk about all the sex I'm not having anymore. To talk about celibacy is dull after awhile, you know? It's time for me to move on, because there is a lot more to me, and a lot more to my faith.<br /><br />My church is also going through a series on Proverbs. I usually am not the kind of person who takes notes and follows the sermon series closely, but I do plan on doing it for this series. Proverbs 1:7 certainly struck me during yesterday's sermon: "The fear of the LORD is the beginning of knowledge: but fools despise wisdom and instruction." I want to know more about Him, and about Christianity, because I love Him. And I hope that over this next semester, and throughout the rest of my life, I can focus on Him and grow in wisdom and clarity.Jayhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/15232291579882899350noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-32429361.post-85603805381001090052010-01-02T15:05:00.005-05:002010-01-02T17:20:13.544-05:00Is This Thing Still On?Well, it has been two months since I last posted on this thing. I really feel bad about that. I've never been the most active blogger but I am so appreciative of the community that I've had the chance to build here for the past four years. Can you believe it's been that long? I've met so many wonderful people and even the arguments that have gone on here have really helped strengthen me and make me into a bolder, more assertive, and hopefully, more Christ-like person. So I am sorry for leaving people in the dark for the past two months. I wasn't taking a fast or anything, I just realized that for the first time in a long time, I really didn't have anything to say.<br /><br />And that is probably just due to the nature of this blog. Although I've covered a variety of subjects here, most of my posts have centered around homosexuality, and my various perspectives, opinions, and disagreements about its relation to Christianity, the church, the ex-gay movement, and culture. Most of these posts weren't mere op-eds meant to get my opinion across. Instead, I used them, and the subsequent discussions, to pin down exactly where I was on this massive, complex, and if I may say, very queer spectrum of religion and sexuality. I've said what I thought about reparative therapy, the likelihood of orientation change, gay rights, gay identity, Exodus, etc.<br /><br />Now I'm at a place where I feel I've said it all. To borrow an old phrase from gay activists of years past, I'm here, I'm queer, and I'm used to it. I've always been comfortable being celibate and I've always felt that I was in a good position, but I still felt the desire to talk about it in order to further articulate what I believed to be true. Now I feel that it's articulated. Although nothing about my opinions has changed, at the same time I feel that when it comes to sharing them, that ship has already sailed, at least in terms of this blog. I mean, really, what more do I have to say about the gay/ex-gay debate? In my mind, I don't have much, and for my own sanity I think it's time I stopped talking about it so much.<br /><br />Oh, of course I will drop in my two cents if something awful is going on (on either the part of gay activists or the religious right or ex-gay ministries). I certainly said what I thought about Uganda, and as other issues arise, I'll say what I think about them, as well. After all, isn't that what blogging is for? But I do have to admit that the "all-gay, all-the-time" blogging will likely stop. I'm sure there are other issues related to homosexuality that I'll want to drop an opinion on one day, but for now, I'm ready to just live my life and enjoy it, without having to worry about all the "gay stuff," as I've said to a few friends. I'm content in my walk with the Lord and where He has brought my sexual behavior, so really... What more is there to be said?<br /><br />But don't worry, dear readers, I still have a lot of things to talk about. For one, there will be some amazing trips for me happening this year, including a study abroad adventure in Belize come March. I'll also be student teaching at a local high school, so I know I'll have things to say about that (although they will probably be very, very general, seeing as blogging about work isn't always the wisest choice). I have graduate school coming up in August, or at least I hope I do. I'm applying. I don't know; there are simply a lot of things to me. I'm not just one issue. I am diverse, and I want to share that diversity with you guys.<br /><br />So here is to 2010. Yes, my blog is still going. I'm going to try to post every Saturday. What will the topics be? Who knows. But I'm looking forward to the adventure. Happy New Year, everyone!Jayhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/15232291579882899350noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-32429361.post-13500115107516838752009-11-10T16:33:00.008-05:002010-09-15T21:10:36.429-04:00Diverse FriendsSorry I have been fairly silent recently. This is basically my final semester of college courses, since next semester I will be student teaching, which is basically the same thing as being a full-time teacher in terms of hours, just without pay. I'm getting ready for all of that, and I'm also finishing my Senior English classes, which are pretty stressful. Graduate school applications are also pretty intense right now, so in general I'm finding it pretty difficult to blog.<br /><br />With all of these things happening at once, I sometimes forget just how important these last few months are. Everything seems to be coming together at once, not only academically, but also socially. Over the past four years, I have met hundreds of people, both in-person and online. Some are Christians, many are not. Many of the online folks are gay, gay but celibate, ex-gay, post-gay, or some weird combination of all of the above.<br /><br />I have grown a lot over the past four years. I have had so many great conversations with folks, both in-person and online. The conversations have been about God, faith, sexuality, and life in general. I have made a ton of friends on all sides of the controversial issues, and hopefully I have helped them grow and learn in the same way they have helped me grow and learn. Certainly, there have been some pretty intense talks and conversations, and quite a few debates with harsh words.<br /><br />But I hope, and I have quite a bit of confidence about this, that despite the harsh words and the arguments about such controversial topics, strong friendships have been maintained and built. I'm in the unique position of being a conservative Evangelical Christian and a gay guy. I believe in God but I also have pretty hands-off beliefs about government, unlike many conservative Christians. I am not going to meet a single friend who I agree with 100 percent.<br /><br />When talking to a traditional Exodus guy, we can experience a lot of connection when it comes to talking about battling temptation or fitting into Evangelical culture as men who struggle with same-sex attraction. We argue, often, when it comes to things like politics, or labels, or expectations of orientation change, or the theories of psychological development of homosexuality. It has been hard, I suppose, for a Side B guy like me to get along with both gays and ex-gays.<br /><br />The experience, though, has been a needed one. If you don't get out there and meet people who are different from you, you aren't ever challenged. It would be easy to assume that all Evangelicals are bigots and all Exodus guys are delusional or anti-intellectual. Getting to know them, however, has shown a lot of diversity among them, almost as much as there is in the gay community. There is also a lot more open-mindedness, realism, and genuine academic curiosity than one would originally assume.<br /><br />Now, the only hope would be that those on the conservative side of the spectrum would take a chance to get to know those on more liberal sides more often, and really get to know them without any prejudice or preconceived notions. As I move forward out of college, and start to build new relationships in graduate school and whatever community I eventually move to, I hope to keep living out this principle of getting to know people from all walks of life.Jayhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/15232291579882899350noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-32429361.post-22112350010743266952009-10-21T23:02:00.003-04:002010-09-15T21:10:45.145-04:00Musings On The Road<a onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}" href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEh5pgDRuIs_aBzcfIezRVNc09mVeBGDM01asZ61CYWDvLRJPX7OFhafGd8W_HHRS867k0aC_Zcqhje1gKL5Fu7m8lVzAt44tJ2nlaXVkp6Sczd9yMnVJVOkS4uL4iQXQhcQAFIH/s1600-h/Random+Stuff+002.jpg"><img style="margin: 0pt 10px 10px 0pt; float: left; cursor: pointer; width: 150px; height: 113px;" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEh5pgDRuIs_aBzcfIezRVNc09mVeBGDM01asZ61CYWDvLRJPX7OFhafGd8W_HHRS867k0aC_Zcqhje1gKL5Fu7m8lVzAt44tJ2nlaXVkp6Sczd9yMnVJVOkS4uL4iQXQhcQAFIH/s200/Random+Stuff+002.jpg" alt="" id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5395255664832206914" border="0" /></a>I had a pretty awesome weekend. I got in my beat-up car and visited friends in Charlotte, Spruce Pine, and Asheville. I spent about 15 hours on the road in all, and I just felt so grown-up. I also visited some different people. I stayed with an ex-gay couple who works for Exodus in Charlotte, and I stayed with an actively gay Buddhist in Asheville. As a gay celibate Christian with liberal politics, I had major disagreements with both sets of people, and have had online arguments with all of them before. In person, though, they were all nice, sweet, engaging people. The disagreements still exist, but it was nice to stay the night with folks without arguing. We all have so much more in common than we have in disagreement.<br /><br />Other than that, things are going well. I'm really excited about graduate school. The one I visited this weekend was awesome and everyone was so nice, and it's only my backup! I love how my backup is somewhere I would be 100% happy with.<br /><br />On the spiritual side of things, my Bible study (great dudes) have been going through 1 John this semester. There's been a lot of conviction about being in the world but not of the world. For example, I was watching "Slumdog Millionaire" with friends the other day. It's a great movie, but at the end of it, even though it ended fairly happily, I couldn't feel too joyful. The characters were still all Muslim and Hindu. Even though they were happy, I just couldn't forget that their happiness was nothing without Christ. They would still be unsaved. I've been really convicted about this recently. Should I root for characters that I know aren't saved? I should be preoccupied with the salvation of others, and I need to more boldly proclaim the Gospel, because Hell is a reality. Eternal life and joy, far better than the joy of this Earth, is a reality. I want everyone I know and love on the joyful side of the divide, and even though I'm not going to start listening to all hymns and watching only Christian-themed television, my faith in Jesus needs to influence how I see art as well. I obviously should not use depictions of sin for my entertainment (which means I might have to let "Mad Men" go, since you can't watch that show without being forced to root for someone committing adultery). But even in other films or TV shows, if there are happy endings, but no one is saved, can they really be called happy?<br /><br />As always, it's something to think about. This is what happens when you put me in a car for a few days with little else to do. :)Jayhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/15232291579882899350noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-32429361.post-85694335656202929202009-10-18T17:57:00.006-04:002010-09-15T21:11:38.767-04:00Two Things To Read About: One Bad, One GoodHey guys! Well, this weekend I'm driving around the great state of North Carolina in my beat up Ford Tempo (which I just learned was on <a href="http://learnsomethingnewtoday.us/2008/04/02/top-17-worst-cars-ever/">this <span class="blsp-spelling-error" id="SPELLING_ERROR_0">blog's</span> list</a> of the worst cars ever, huzzah). I've been visiting friends, driving to places that I've never driven through before (the mountains are gorgeous!) and Monday I will be touring a potential graduate school (that's right! "Adventures of a Christian Grad Student" could be right around the corner!) While I'm hanging out with a bud near <span class="blsp-spelling-error" id="SPELLING_ERROR_1">Asheville</span>, I thought I'd blog a bit. Yes, I know my blogging recently has been more along the lines of finding cool articles to direct you towards, dear readers, than writing cool articles myself. I guess I'm just a Senior who's busy with two jobs and writing a Hemingway thesis. Sue me, okay?<br /><br /><a href="http://wthrockmorton.com/2009/10/14/uganda-the-other-shoe-drops/">Warren <span class="blsp-spelling-error" id="SPELLING_ERROR_2">Throckmorton</span> has written an excellent piece</a> about some of <a href="http://www.exgaywatch.com/wp/2009/10/ugandan-mp-proposes-severe-new-anti-gay-measures/">the horrible things going on in Uganda right now</a>. I know Exodus has said they weren't involved in the conference in Kampala that started this madness, but even so, they were involved <span style="font-style: italic;">enough </span>that I think a statement about the violations of human rights that are going on would be appropriate. I know Exodus has made statements about violations of free speech in America and around the world (especially those that happen against conservatives or Christian). Making a similar statement about the violation of these same rights against gays seems necessary, to me. And we should pray that the government of Uganda begins recognizing what democracy and freedom really mean.<br /><br />Also, Disputed Mutability is back, everyone! I missed the girl, but of course being a mother and wife is a pretty taxing job that does take some time away from writing massive, brilliant posts. And yet, <a href="http://disputedmutability.wordpress.com/2009/10/15/post-ex-gay/">here she has written one</a>. It's a really great reflection about identity, labels. In short: they're confusing. But she does make a lot of good and balanced reflections about them, Exodus, and the ex-gay movement as a whole. The world needs more Christians like her.<br /><br />Hope you guys are well. Read those posts and enjoy, and if you have any comments about either, leave them here. Take care!Jayhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/15232291579882899350noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-32429361.post-41874373081880469002009-10-13T16:30:00.004-04:002010-09-15T21:11:30.193-04:00Now Here's A Place To Start Talking...Karen, once again, is asking the hard questions. The questions that probably every ex-gay ministry should ask at the outset (but so few do). I think my answers to this question are pretty well-known (check out my personal favorite post called <a href="http://collegejay.blogspot.com/2008/08/my-hope.html">"My Hope"</a> for the answers), but if you're someone who struggles with SSA -- whether involved in Exodus or not -- it would be awesome if you could go over to Karen's blog and take a stab at the questions she's asking in <a href="http://pursuegod.wordpress.com/2009/10/13/what-if-you-dont-change/">"What If You Don't Change?"</a><br /><br />Till then, cheers everyone. I'm extremely busy this week so I'll be moderating comments but I can't say that I'll be respond<a id="publishButton" class="cssButton" href="javascript:void(0)" target="" onclick="if (this.className.indexOf("ubtn-disabled") == -1) {var e = document['stuffform'].publish;(e.length) ? e[0].click() : e.click(); if (window.event) window.event.cancelBubble = true; return false;}"></a>ing to everyone like I normally try to do.Jayhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/15232291579882899350noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-32429361.post-85711518239452855002009-10-05T23:31:00.005-04:002010-09-15T21:11:46.583-04:00Mixed-Orientation MarriagesThe comment thread of the previous post turned into quite the discussion about mixed-orientation marriages. That wasn't really the topic of the post, so I'm going to use one of my comments in that threat to kick off a more well-rounded discussion about the subject. It's interesting, it's raw, and it's very personal, so I think we should all do our best to be sensitive about this issue. I know I'm a 21-year-old single guy who knows nothing about marriage -- mixed-orientation or not -- so everything I say can certainly be taken with that grain of salt.<br /><br />For clarification, I'm going to say that "mixed-orientation marriage" refers to a marriage in which one spouse is heterosexual and the other spouse is not (and is gay or bisexual). Just because the non-heterosexual spouse doesn't refer to himself or herself as homosexual or bisexual doesn't mean that he or she isn't one. So even married Exodus people like Alan Chambers -- who still admit to having homosexual thoughts even though they've been "freed from homosexuality" -- are also included in this. Calling oneself "completely heterosexual" (which Chambers has done before) doesn't mean that one is, and saying that one is heterosexual and then admitting that one still likes men is just insulting to all intelligent people involved in the discussion. So mixed-orientation marriage it is!<br /><br />I understand what the caution-givers in the comment thread were saying, although I am somewhat curious. How is a mixed-orientation marriage different from, say, a man whose wife undergoes physical changes (gains weight, loses figure through childbirth) and who loses attraction towards her? Certainly there are heterosexual marriages where sexual attraction decreases or almost stops completely, and yet due to the Christian faith they persevere.<br /><br />I don't think the gay/SSA/put-your-term-of-choice-here people I know who are married are doing this to be "normal." Some of them are part of Exodus ministries so I do question their motivations (unfortunately). Others, however, have views about as anti-Exodus as I do. They hate seeing their marriages used as "signs of hope" by their churches and communities. They are very honest about the struggles, and many of them are just like what you said -- struggling with healthy heterosexual intimacy, and suppressing gay urges. I'm not saying it's not exhausting, but these are people who love their spouses and love the Lord and have to deal with some special challenges.<br /><br />But doesn't every couple have to deal with special challenges? Whether it's illness or in-law drama or the loss of a child or inability to conceive or a child with disabilities or busy work schedules or decrease in sexual desire -- <i>every</i> couple has major things to deal with.<br /><br />Although I don't see marriage as my own personal path, I don't have a problem with people with these orientations seeking it. So long as they are extremely honest with each other, and don't show their wedding rings as a sign of some kind of orientation change, and don't allow themselves to be shown as more holy or healthy or balanced than godly singles. I know around Exodus you won't find many (if any) couples like that. But that doesn't mean that there aren't some mixed-orientation marriages that do work, and we may caution folks about the difficulties that go along with such a path, but we don't have a right to tell them whether or not to seek it.Jayhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/15232291579882899350noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-32429361.post-80923962040053654982009-09-27T09:37:00.002-04:002010-09-15T21:11:54.959-04:00Goals<p>“Therefore do not be anxious about tomorrow, for tomorrow will be anxious for itself. Sufficient for the day is its own trouble.” (Matthew 6:34, ESV)</p><p>I have always had difficulty with this verse. More specifically, I have had difficulty living out this verse in my own life. I am a natural worrier. I worry about the future all the time. I have very specific goals for my future, really. I want to go to graduate school. I want to teach high school for awhile. I want to be a published author, and earn enough money so that I can adopt a child on my own. I want to become a university professor later in life. I want to be an upstanding Christian who is content in his singleness and an encouragement to others who struggle with SSA. </p><p>I want to help make it so Christians don’t flinch when they hear the term “gay,” and maybe even help the language of those who struggle something a little clearer (I really see no reason why “gay” and “SSA” can’t be interchangeable, but some people will only use one or the other for reasons that simply don’t make sense to me). I want to help make it so ex-gay ministries refocus their goals on helping people live lives obedient to Christ and their values, instead of focusing on marriage or heterosexuality or “freedom from homosexuality” (I really, really hate that phrase, since it’s so misleading; I’ve never met an SSA man, even a very faithful and loving married one, who didn’t still have pronounced homosexual attractions, and I wish those guys would be as candid with their public testimonies as they are in private correspondence).</p><p>So I have a lot of goals. I have a laser focus and a very driven heart when it comes to reaching those goals, and I often act defensively when confronted with something that will threaten those goals (just ask anyone who has ever gotten into an argument about ex-gay terminology with me). For example, I have a very difficult time with Christians who refuse to even support basic civil unions for gay couples, because it’s usually these hard-line conservatives who don’t want to allow gays to adopt—not even single ones—and that threatens one of my most treasured goals. (On a mostly unrelated note, I also get annoyed at Christians who don’t support gay marriage but who say they’d support civil unions, but then don’t do anything to actively promote civil unions or things like hospital visitation rights; put up or shut up, people).</p><p>Are my goals necessarily God-ordained? Well, that depends. Certainly my goal to be a faithful and obedient single man is. After all, the only reason I don’t have a boyfriend right now—and hopefully will never stray and have one—is because of Him. I do think that many gay Christians can marry heterosexually, and I support them when they do if they have been honest and cautious about it. I don’t see that as my own particular calling, simply because I think I can do a lot more as a single man. I want to show Christians that a single gay guy can be obedient, loving, Biblically-sound, and have a heart that seeks Christ. I want to show that it’s possible.</p><p>But maybe the other goals are things God doesn’t have in store for me. I’m in the graduate school application process. I certainly have particular places in mind that I’d want to go (Baltimore, Colorado), but what if I only get accepted at a school in North Carolina, and have to stay here? Or what if my family hits financial ruin and instead of getting to focus on my writing I have to go live back home and take care of my mother and be a teacher in the same high school I graduated from? These things are certainly possible, but I think I’ve reached a point in my faith when I can say that, even if those kinds of things happened to me, I could still count my many blessings and praise God. My goals seem good and valuable and are precious to me right now, but if they turn out to not be His goals, well, he will show me. I just need to keep at them and stop worrying about them, I guess.</p>Jayhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/15232291579882899350noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-32429361.post-18674684756089551872009-09-20T22:13:00.004-04:002010-09-15T21:12:17.291-04:00Hey, She Almost Stole My Blog Title...Karen Keen (who I am obligated to say is awesome, in case you didn't know) recently <a href="http://pursuegod.wordpress.com/2009/09/19/gay-students-at-christian-colleges/">posted a great summary</a> of what it's like to be a gay student at a Christian college (and by gay, I mean SSA, ex-gay, struggling, or whatever your term of choice is). She took notes from the recent study about gay Christian college students out of <a href="http://www.sexualidentityinstitute.org/?p=197">Regent University</a> (which links to my blog, for some strange reason), the testimonies of <span id="SPELLING_ERROR_0" class="blsp-spelling-error">Wheaton</span> College graduates like <a href="http://www.ransomfellowship.org/articledetail.asp?AID=506&B=Wesley%20Hill&TID=7">Wesley Hill</a> and <a href="http://slaggetyslagg.blogspot.com/2009/07/hopefully-well-crafted-sentences.html">Steve <span id="SPELLING_ERROR_1" class="blsp-spelling-error">Slagg</span></a>, and the outsider's perspective of <a href="http://www.kevinroose.com/">Kevin <span id="SPELLING_ERROR_2" class="blsp-spelling-error">Roose</span></a>, a non-Christian who went to Liberty University for a semester and wrote <a href="http://www.kevinroose.com/book">a pretty interesting book </a>about his experiences (which I also suggest you read if you haven't already).<br /><br />The comments section of Karen's post is also getting some really cool action, especially from other gay students and alums from Christian colleges. I guess I'm not the only Christian collegian having adventures out there, am I?Jayhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/15232291579882899350noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-32429361.post-60201459877792396302009-09-16T11:29:00.006-04:002010-09-15T21:12:28.417-04:00Well This Should Be FunIt appears as though Joseph Nicolosi has a book and new theories about the origins (and "cure") for homosexuality. If the excerpts from <a href="http://wthrockmorton.com/2009/09/16/shame-and-attachment-loss-going-from-bad-to-worse/">Dr. Warren Throckmorton's latest blog post</a> are any indication of the rest of Nicolosi's new book (<a style="font-style: italic;" href="http://www.ivpress.com/cgi-ivpress/book.pl/code=2899" target="_blank">Shame and Attachment Loss: The Practical Work of Reparative Therapy</a>) then it seems that Nicolosi's theories have become even further detached from reality (who knew that would be possible?) I didn't know that my same-sex attraction was the result of me hating myself as a child, or that this self-hatred was triggered by "abandonment-annihilation trauma" (which is especially funny when you consider that I was around my parents 24/7 since dad worked at home and mom was my elementary school teacher... yeah, I totally didn't get enough parental attention).<p>Dr. Throckmorton is prepping to write a more in-depth review of the book (and someone should seriously consider giving the man an award of some kind for taking the time to actually read and respond to such things seriously). Like all of Nicolosi's work, though, there are already some painfully obvious affronts to common sense involved, the clearest of which Throckmorton writes about here.</p><blockquote>This should be reasonably easy to test. If all of this is true, homosexuals should be unable to hold jobs, or advance in careers, or do other things which require secure object relations and attachments. And of course, this is the practical problem for the practical work of reparative therapy. Many gay, ex-gay, post-gay, and SSA people do not have lives which correspond to the predictions in this book. Nor do their lives indicate the kind of deep self-deficits which are predicted here.</blockquote><p>Oddly enough, homosexuals seem to be very adept at holding jobs, advancing in careers, and building secure relationships. Whatever "inadequacy" Nicolosi's clients feel, I think I can look back at my multiple academic scholarships, very good grade point average, loving friends and family, and say that, "No, despite my SSA, I don't feel inadequate or insecure at all." And since Nicolosi likes to speak for all homosexuals (except lesbians, whom he ignores), I think my own experiences would disprove him right out of the gate, right?</p><p>Either way, Nicolosi's ridiculous, but if you enjoy a further demonstration of craziness (and being a fan of reality television, I always do), then I suggest you keep an eye on Throckmorton's blog and watch as he decronstructs Nicolosi (yet again). Bring out the popcorn.</p>Jayhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/15232291579882899350noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-32429361.post-64002042097057170822009-09-15T13:24:00.003-04:002010-09-15T21:12:35.853-04:00"There Is Always Someone More Oppressed Than You"Perhaps this would serve as a good follow-up to the last post, in which a married man who struggles with homosexuality talked about the mistreatment he has received at the hands of other Christians. Those of us who deal with the issue of homosexuality in the church are often times too quick to point to how badly we're treated. It's definitely a problem, partly centered in reality but partly centered in pride, and one I'm all too guilty of. As Andrew Marin recently pointed out, though, <a href="http://www.loveisanorientation.com/2009/there-is-always-someone-more-oppressed-than-you/">there is always someone more oppressed than you</a>. Read this story more than once as well, and leave your comments here.Jayhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/15232291579882899350noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-32429361.post-19041146035300105762009-08-31T15:14:00.004-04:002010-09-15T21:12:42.898-04:00Read This More Than OnceHey everyone! I have decided that Mondays are my best blogging days this year, so I hope you all make sure to stop by then! Scheduling things is becoming the norm for me this semester. I have so much to do and so little time to do it. I literally have charts that tell me when I should call my various family members, and on what days I should send e-mails to the various online friends I've made over the years. It's a little awkward to schedule social interactions like that, but between studying for the GRE, applying to grad school, planning programs for student organizations, and reading a lot of Hemingway, Stein, and Faulkner, I really have no other choice. If I don't plan out these kinds of things, they simply won't get done.<br /><br />Other than being terribly busy, I don't really have much to blog about right now. I do want to write about my politics and my artistic philosophy but those will require quite a bit more effort and research on my part than the usual post. Following the interesting discussion that happened after last week's post, though, I did a little searching into heterosexually married men who still consider themselves gay (not ex-gay). I didn't have to look any further than a <a href="http://www.christianitytoday.com/ct/2002/march11/2.50.html?start=1"><span style="font-style: italic;">Christianity Today </span>article</a> from 2002, and it is quite heart-wrenching. Read it more than once.<br /><br />There is a man who is faithful to his family, who understands what Christ can do to redeem us, what amazing joys and painful struggles can come from being obedient to Him, and who still loves His Savior with all his heart. There, also, is a man who is afraid to come out about his orientation for fear of ostracism, and this fear is not unfounded.<br /><blockquote>Why haven't I told my story to my church friends? Why is my identity anonymous? Because, despite all the claims by my heterosexual friends to "love the sinner but hate the sin," I do not trust them. I do not believe that they could know this about me and still want me to be their congregational president, their youth-group leader, their sons' coach. I wish I could believe it, but I don't. Perhaps I'm hypersensitive in not trusting, but I've overheard too many jokes, seen too many expressions of hate directed at homosexuals, to believe that these same people could be my friends if they <em>knew</em>.<br /><br /></blockquote>I feel for this man deeply, and I know far too many guys personally who are in the same situation -- married or not. For the unmarried ones, it's often worse, because they can't hide behind a wife and kids, and they often have a difficult time finding a place in the church to begin with. It makes me concerned. I'm very open about my orientation here, but this is a pretty small and fairly liberal college town. What if I move to a more conservative area, and attend a church where people aren't as aware of homosexual issues? Christ alone is what satisfies and strengthens me, but like Wesley Hill states in <a href="http://www.ransomfellowship.org/articledetail.asp?AID=506&B=Wesley%20Hill&TID=7">this exceptional article</a>, we need the full love and support of other Christians sometimes to make things easier.<br /><br />And so that's the question: Do we love our neighbors as ourselves? Even those of us who deal with a homosexual orientation have to ask this question, because while we may be tolerant and open-minded about this particular issue there may be others where we treat others exactly how we don't want to be treated. As always, it's something to ponder.Jayhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/15232291579882899350noreply@blogger.com0