Wednesday, November 15, 2006

Cleaning Out The Garage (Jay's Version)

You know, a few days ago I swore that my next post would be something lighthearted and funny, because the whole Calvinist/Arminian debate was emotionally taxing and, according to Peterson, sleep-inducing. :-) But, alas, I have some things on my chest that are applying a little too much pressure on my life right now. I don't think they're necessarily SSA-related. I think they're just aspects of my personality that would be evident right now no matter what my situation was. To put it simply, I just worry too darn much.

The future, for anyone, is a very uncertain thing. It is so abstract--so non-real--that according to C.S. Lewis in The Screwtape Letters, it is exactly the place where the Devil wants our attention to be focused. I guess I'm playing right into his hands, then, because my mind has been wandering into that trap of uncertainty recently. I guess it's not too abnormal a thing. Everybody wonders about their future. But I guess I just always think of my future in a negative light. Scratch that. I don't think about it--thinking would require a vision, a certain image of myself, and a course of action (or non-action) to go along with it. I just worry about it. Worry is just a feeling. A stupid (but not completely without merit) mantra such as "I'm going to be alone," or "I'm going to have a nervous breakdown." No thoughts attached, not really, at least not at first. They come later. I get this image of my brother and sister settling down and having lots of kids, and me being the only singleton at family gatherings. And my mother being disappointed because I won't give her a set of grandchildren. I worry about growing up to be being considered "the weird old guy" in my community because I'm not married (and hey, I know that's how unmarried men are often viewed). I worry about who's going to take care of me if I get sick. I just get saddened by the fact that I might not have a child.

But all these things are silly. By no means have I committed to celibacy for life. I'm fully open to having a relationship with a woman eventually--if, and only if, there is a mutual attraction. But I don't want to try and force it. If God wills it, I want it to be done. The problem is--I still want it done my way. I'm a control freak, really. I've always thought I had OCD, and not just because I spend ten minutes making my bed in the morning and won't leave the room unless it's at a time divisible by five (yep, I do those things :-/). I just want my life to be perfect--simple, neat, clean, and with myself in charge. Sometimes I think it could have been perfect, but God had to go and throw a monkey wrench in my gears. :-/ I know, no one's life is perfect, but as I've said before...I think I've been dealt a bad hand.

The only time I think of my future as positive is when I think of becoming a published writer. You know, childhood dreams coming true. Winning the Pulitzer Prize and getting #1 on the NY Times Bestseller List. Sitting down for interviews on The Today Show and Charlie Rose (Yep, I watch it :-) Becoming a New York intellectual, so that way no one's really going to notice if I don't have a partner, and I can devote my life to work instead of family. But, geez, aren't I setting my goals a bit high? The only way I'll be happy alone is if I'm famous? *Shrugs* I really don't know.

I feel kind of bad putting this all down here. It seems like all I do is whine to you all. But I need to get things off my chest (clean out my garage as Pam would say ;-). I've always tried to be the person people came to when they had problems. That's who I was in high school, at least. But now, I just want somebody to talk to, and there's nobody here I feel like opening up to like that. There's the blog; that's always good. I just don't want to have any relationships where I'm the taker and not the giver. It's pride, I guess. It's pride and worry and an unwillingness to give my future to God, even though I think He's the only person who can make sense of it.

Still, all in all I'm doing well. Life is good. Don't think I'm clinically depressed or something because I worry about my future. I'm still living in the present and making the most of it. I can't wait until Thanksgiving, and I attended an RA interest meeting tonight to see if I want to be an RA next year. That would keep me busy ;-) Peace be to all of you,


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