Thursday, September 07, 2006

Disputed Motivation

Yes, Disputed Mutability, that is a shout-out to you ;-). Hope you get back to blogging soon. But other than that, it's also the only title I could think to come up with for this post. Since I'm not good at putting things simply, you guys will have to read the whole thing to understand what I mean.

I've been observing a little bit about how I notice guys recently. Simply put, I'm attracted to them, but you all knew that already (or if you didn't, surprise!). In high school, when I saw a guy that I liked, I looked but made sure that no one else was seeing me look, and then later I would feel guilty for looking. It's pretty much the same way now, although most people don't care if I look (and if they're girls they'll probably be looking with me). Now it's not that I'm some sex-crazy person who lusts after every guy he sees; I really just can't help myself from, um, appreciating the male form (and there are some quite superb examples of the male form at UNCW, let me tell you). And I'm not going to suppress it or pretend it doesn't exist; trust me, I've been down that road already--the results aren't pretty.

However, there is one aspect of myself that I'm not liking that has really showed itself in college. Back in high school, I knew that the guys I was looking at were off limits (i.e. straight). That's because I knew everyone in my high school (I wasn't a social butterfly; more like wanderer who went from clique to clique looking for friends :-) Either way, that's changed in college. If I see a guy who catches my eye, my brain seems to immediately wonder whether or not he's of my, um, stripe.

Of course, thanks to the "metrosexual revolution" it's pretty hard to tell on sight. Sometimes I just wish all the guys who experienced SSA would wear signs, but then I start to wonder why I wish that. Even if I had the most honed "gaydar" in the world, and saw a cute guy of my orientation, what would I do? Run up to him and say "Hey! We should date!" Straight people don't do that, so why should I?

Plus, this near-obsession with finding gay men my age seems pretty counter-productive to my Christian faith and what I'm trying to do with it. I've made the argument (to myself, of course) that I'm looking for another SSA struggler for support, or maybe even an un-Christian gay man to befriend and witness to. That would be fine, except it seems that the only guys I wonder about are the ones I'm attracted to, which seems pretty indicative of an ulterior motive, doesn't it? ;-)

Still, I do sometimes wonder about where I stand. I'm definitely not looking for a sexual relationship, but I do wonder to what extent I should allow myself to have an emotional, affectionate relationship with a gay student. I know--according to the ex-gay community I need to bond with more masculine male peers (which I think I do, actually), but romantic affection is something that I've just never had...and that feels pretty lonely sometimes.

I would genuinely appreciate comments on this. Don't worry about offending me. Tell me what you think. (Cheryl, you've told me before, and I'm praying for strength akin to yours). Anyway, things are going great here. Hope you all have a good day/evening/whatever time it is when you read this. ;-)


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