Tuesday, September 19, 2006

Bad Few Days

It has been a very long few days since my last post. Situations themselves haven't really shown themselves to be any more difficult than normal, it's just that I'm finding myself in a perpetual state of anxiety. It's happened before, and it usually lasts a week or so and then goes away (at the expense of me having been a total jerk during the aforementioned week--to the dismay of family and friends who don't really know what's going on).

I don't know exactly what causes the anxiety, but it really puts me in a bad place emotionally. I start thinking about a lot of things that I assume many Christians dealing with SSA think about. There are a lot of many random thoughts, but they can usually be summed up into two words: Why me?

There isn't any self-loathing attached to this. It's all outwardly expressed. I get angry at God, at the world, other people. I mean, I suppose it's just a feeling that I've been unfairly treated, expressed in thoughts like: "How come I have to go through this?" "Why is God making it so much harder for me to be a Christian?" "Why is God driving a wedge between me and people I want to be my friends?" "Why is he making it harder for me to connect with Christian men?" For love them though I do, I don't feel comfortable sharing my struggle with the guys in my Bible study. I'm afraid of how they'll react. I don't want them to treat me like anything other than one of the guys, and yet I'm afraid that's exactly what they'll do. I'm especially afraid that their response will be a form of pity.

There's more. When I start feeling this anxiety/mini-depression, I start projecting my internal feelings on others, resulting in me unjustly resenting them, and my thoughts are something like this: "Why is it fair for the Christian guys to have girlfriends? Of course they're not having sex, but at least they get to cuddle and kiss and hold hands. Why can't I have that?" And of course I start worrying about the future, and worse, my future happiness. I know, it's something so abstract and pointless that it doesn't deserve to come into my mind, but it does. I mainly worry about being alone. (Shudders) "That's just such a terrible word--alone. But I know that it's going to be a part of my life. Even if I do start feeling attraction change, I doubt it will be within the next ten years, when I'm sure many of my friends will be getting married and starting families of their own. And what will I be? Probably alone."

You can imagine how someone with thoughts like that running through his head will act towards others. I become bitter and out-and-out tired--mentally and physically. I don't feel like writing in my novel, being with friends, eating, working, going to class, anything. I just want to lay in my bed and wallow in self-pity. No, it's not exactly pity. Nor is it depression. It's just...fear, maybe? I'm just so afraid that I won't be happy. That I'll never have someone. So I just lay down and let the world roll by. If I'm not out there, I can't be hurt.

I've been talking to Christians about this, of course. But, unfortunately, the Christian girls here think that a monogamous homosexual marriage is not a sin, so that kills a lot of my arguments right there. My friend Tanya (a.k.a. Sister Mary Francis, the Catholic) is probably one of the best people to talk to, even though she's of the same opinion as the rest. I've just never met a person so devoted to their faith (if you don't remember, she's the girl who's seriously considering becoming a nun--and therefore very easy to talk to when my fears of celibacy start rolling in). She's invited me to a rosary this week. I'm not Catholic, so I've never been to one, but I think I'll go. And again, I've yet to bring up the courage to tell the Christian guys. Though everyone on my floor knows I'm gay, and they all know I'm a Christian, most of them think I'm a gay Christian...they don't know about my desire to not live a homosexual lifestyle. I think that would "weird them out" more than anything else, to be honest.

I did talk to Tom last night--the first floor gay guy. He's a neurology major and way smarter than me, but overall he seems to be a sweet guy. No, I didn't break the ice with a Loni Anderson book (wink at Kurt), but we did end up talking about faith and sexuality. He's definitely not a Christian, having had little if any experience in the church. I guess you could say he's one of those "spiritual, not religious" people. He said that he thinks everyone has their own God. That thinking worries me, as it would worry any Christian. I want to witness to him, but I'm not sure how (never done it before). I'm definitely not in a state to do it now, but I do want to talk to Tom more, because he's a very intriguing guy.

Well, that's enough rambling. I'm still feeling pretty down. I try praying, but I don't even have the strength for that. Writing it down here has helped, though. And I would appreciate comments or advice, if anyone has anything to give. (Good Bible verses would be really appreciated. I'm a Bible newbie and I don't know where to look).

Sometimes I hear Christians ministering to homosexuals by saying that leaving the lifestyle will lead them to true happiness. That's true, but I think it needs to be rephrased, somewhat to the extent of "but you'll have to put yourself through some periods of mental torment first." God be with you all, Jay.

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