Tuesday, December 18, 2007


A few experiences in the past week have rocked my self-image. I won't go so far as to say they have rocked my faith, but I suppose when you are forced to re-examine yourself you are also forced to re-examine your relationship with God. That's a good thing, I think. I feel stronger now than I did a month or so ago, but I had to be weakened first.

I realized that I am not as strong as I thought I was. I am just as much a sinner as I was when I started down the road of Christ, and I am over-confident and proud when it comes to my temptations. I guess I don't have to tell you that some of my stumbles in question involve Hitch, but it's probably not in the way you'd think.

He may not be in Christ - I honestly don't know if he is - but he's stronger than me, and he cares about me enough to not let me compromise my beliefs, even though he doesn't understand them. He asks nothing of me other than to be his closest friend, and he supports me through it all. People may not understand our relationship, but I'm proud to call him my man.

That's about all I'm proud about though, and thank God for that! I've been humbled by my own depravity, and strengthened by the support of friends, fellow believers, Hitch, and most importantly, Christ. I'm quieter now, and more reflective. I'm at home and enjoying the company of my family. I'm reading more (finished some C.S. Lewis last night), and plan to write more as well, and I'm willing to move on. You can't feel sorry for too long about your weak moments. Eventually, humbled, you have to get up and keep walking.

I might post again before the year ends, but I'm at home and our connection is bad. I just wanted to let everyone know that I'm still here, I'm still fighting, and everything is going well despite how hard my flesh works to screw it up. Blessings!


Bryan said...

Hey Jay, it's Bryan. I knew I had to comment as soon as I saw this, but it wasn't posted on your Vox, so I'm posting here.

I was really nervous as I was reading, hoping that it wasn't something really bad that happened. It sounds like you're a bit shaken, but okay. We all have humbling moments. These moments hurt, but really one of these can show us more about ourselves than a hundred victories can. I think you're handling it well. Reflection is what you need right now and I'm glad you have someone as good for you as Hitch.

Jay, I could say that I can take a stab at what you're referring to, but I decided that's not really the point. The point is something you held firm to, whatever in particular it may be, is being shaken, so it's along those lines that I'm here somewhere praying for you, that this will be resolved in the way that God wants. I hope you get the insight and wisdom you are searching for.

Whenever you have time to post, Jay, I'm ready to read it. ;)

Pomoprophet said...

When we are weak, then He is strong. Can I get an Amen?

The difference i've noticed between those who extend grace to others and those who don't, is that those who have received grace are more likely to give it.

You are a wretched sinner. So am I. Welcome to the club :)

Brandon said...


Hang in there. You know, it's usually in our moments of weakness that we are afforded some of the greatest opportunities for learning. But also, if we allow, those moments can draw us so much closer to God. They can stengthen our faith.

God bless ya, and know that I'm praying for you. :)


kurt_t said...

Maybe your problem isn't your faith or your relationship with God or even your weakness. Maybe your problem is your belief system.

I'm just throwing that out there.

And read some Vonnegut for a change. I suggest God Bless You, Mr. Rosewater.

MR said...

I will be praying.

One thing about finding out we are weak is that we are more aware of how much we need God!

Joe said...

Be strong Jay.

I hope you & your family have a wonderful Christmas.

Joe x

Jay said...

Bryan: Thanks! Vox doesn't like to work on my home computer, for some reason. I'll try to post this on there again, but I doubt it will happen.

Pomoprophet: You certainly get an Amen, and then some!

Brandon: Thanks for the prayers.

Kurt: Well, my faith and my relationship with God are my belief system. They aren't a problem, really. Weakness isn't really a problem, for that matter, at least not when properly viewed. Like others have said, it's a chance to grow. The sins that I struggle against have been more than sexual... They've been about anger, pride, resentment, and selfishness. Fighting them is a good thing, in my eyes.

MR and Joe: Thanks, guys!

kurt_t said...

Jay, you're my friend and you know I say this out of love. Dude, sometimes it's like you're the Methodist Marvin Bloom.

Jay said...

Thank you, Kurt. You are also a friend. However, I really don't see how I remind you of Marvin Bloom. I think that's mostly projection on your part.

Like I said, this post isn't about sexual struggles. It's about sin in general, and how I'm not as strong in my fight against it as I thought I was. What's wrong with taking a step back every now and then, and realizing that you might be a bit more of a jackass than you originally thought?

In my mind, there's nothing wrong with that at all.

kurt_t said...

Oh, I think it's just that Marvin talks a lot about weakness and being humbled. And then he always tries to put a positive spin on it. He doesn't read C. S. Lewis though. I wonder why.

Sue Doe-Nim said...

I've been reading here for a while.

How long do you plan to be celibate?

I believe that g-d was there when your parents made you and that he's sad to see you having a tug of war with youself. We've all got a bit of divinity in us and not being free to love is sort of sad.

I'm not saying go hook up with everyone in town but maybe embrace who you are?

Your parents sound lovely

You sound lovely