Friday, September 12, 2008

So Let's Talk About Feelings

In my day-to-day life, I am a bit of an emotional person. I suppose you could say I wear my heart on my sleeve, which isn't to say I tell everyone what's going on. It's just that when I'm down, people know I'm down, and when I'm up, people know I'm up. They may not know the reasons, but they know at least that I'm feeling something.

Of course, the blogosphere doesn't give one the same luxury, so the only way you guys know if I'm feeling anything is if I tell you, and I often have the bad habit of not really letting you guys know if I'm having negative feelings. Call it an over sized ego, or a misguided attempt to be encouraging to others by not showing when I'm hurting.

To be honest, a large problem of mine is that I really dislike feeling emotions, so by extension I don't like sharing them with others when I can help it. For some reason, I see them as a weakness. Not all emotions, of course. Just the ones that I see as "beneath me," whatever that means. I always try to appear to be strong, together, and on top of whatever is thrown my way. In general, I am those things, despite my fluctuating emotional state, so I might as well be a little more transparent about it.

That's right, dear readers, although the blogger you've come to know and love appears to have a perfect handle on this whole "gay and celibate Christian" deal, he really doesn't feel that way all the time. So let's start talking about that...

I can sometimes get really jealous of couples. Straight couples, mostly (because that's what I most often see), but when I see a happy gay couple, then I get really envious. Oh, and when that happy gay couple is my ex and his current boyfriend (who I actually introduced him to for reasons I can no longer recall) then I can just become a big old fuzzball of green energy (and I'm not talking about ethanol here, folks). You see, usually I keep those feelings of jealousy to myself, because I view them as fickle and "beneath me." Turns out, they're pretty normal and expected, and once I realize that and process through them (and actually end up being happy for couples instead of hating them on sight), then I end up being an improved specimen because of it.

I also sometimes become really fearful and paranoid about my future. I know I'll have a nice job and a steady income, and I'll likely be comfortable. However, I fear that I'll lose all my friends. That no one will call on me and that for some reason people will automatically despise me when I'm outside of a college environment. That's right, I fear abandonment and depression, and turning into that guy who chokes on a TV dinner and no one finds his body for a week. Oddly enough, though, I shared this fear with a random friend of mine today, and I was glad I did. Turns out she has the same fears, and this is one of the most social and well-balanced people I know. So I guess fears of loneliness are also pretty ordinary. Not only that, they're also without logic. I have a great many friends and I have a feeling that they'll stick around.

Also, I can sometimes get pretty angry at God. I question why it feels like I've been asked to give up what most other people take for granted. I ask why the kind of relationships I want are the kinds He firmly says "no" to. And I often don't hear answers. So I get mad. I can get really mad. If I'm supposed to be in a relationship with God, you could say that I can get angry enough with Him that I make Him sleep on the couch. And He usually obliges, to the point where I can't feel His presence and I desperately seek Him.

So there you have it. I'm not as together as I always present myself on my blog. I get jealous, I get paranoid, and I get downright angry. And yet through all this, I'm okay. Even when it feels like God isn't anywhere around, and I don't know why I go through the things I do for Him, I still do them. Maybe that's a sign of insanity or something. I really don't know. Either way, I'm tired of putting up the "tough guy" image. I don't think my emotions make me weaker. In fact, I don't think it's wrong I have them. I just have to make sure that I keep them in place and recognize them for what they are: feelings. Feelings that change with every new day. They aren't worthless, and they aren't anything to be ashamed of, but they aren't anything to dictate how I live my life, either.

I hope the image of a guy who has all these feelings and yet still manages to win his spiritual battles (more or less) is a more encouraging one than the image of a guy who's winning without really trying. I think it is, at least, which is why I finally decided to share this baggage here. Hope you're all doing well. I know I am. It feels good to get some stuff off my chest.

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