Of course, the blogosphere doesn't give one the same luxury, so the only way you guys know if I'm feeling anything is if I tell you, and I often have the bad habit of not really letting you guys know if I'm having negative feelings. Call it an over sized ego, or a misguided attempt to be encouraging to others by not showing when I'm hurting.
To be honest, a large problem of mine is that I really dislike feeling emotions, so by extension I don't like sharing them with others when I can help it. For some reason, I see them as a weakness. Not all emotions, of course. Just the ones that I see as "beneath me," whatever that means. I always try to appear to be strong, together, and on top of whatever is thrown my way. In general, I am those things, despite my fluctuating emotional state, so I might as well be a little more transparent about it.
That's right, dear readers, although the blogger you've come to know and love appears to have a perfect handle on this whole "gay and celibate Christian" deal, he really doesn't feel that way all the time. So let's start talking about that...
I can sometimes get really jealous of couples. Straight couples, mostly (because that's what I most often see), but when I see a happy gay couple, then I get really envious. Oh, and when that happy gay couple is my ex and his current boyfriend (who I actually introduced him to for reasons I can no longer recall) then I can just become a big old fuzzball of green energy (and I'm not talking about ethanol here, folks). You see, usually I keep those feelings of jealousy to myself, because I view them as fickle and "beneath me." Turns out, they're pretty normal and expected, and once I realize that and process through them (and actually end up being happy for couples instead of hating them on sight), then I end up being an improved specimen because of it.
I also sometimes become really fearful and paranoid about my future. I know I'll have a nice job and a steady income, and I'll likely be comfortable. However, I fear that I'll lose all my friends. That no one will call on me and that for some reason people will automatically despise me when I'm outside of a college environment. That's right, I fear abandonment and depression, and turning into that guy who chokes on a TV dinner and no one finds his body for a week. Oddly enough, though, I shared this fear with a random friend of mine today, and I was glad I did. Turns out she has the same fears, and this is one of the most social and well-balanced people I know. So I guess fears of loneliness are also pretty ordinary. Not only that, they're also without logic. I have a great many friends and I have a feeling that they'll stick around.
Also, I can sometimes get pretty angry at God. I question why it feels like I've been asked to give up what most other people take for granted. I ask why the kind of relationships I want are the kinds He firmly says "no" to. And I often don't hear answers. So I get mad. I can get really mad. If I'm supposed to be in a relationship with God, you could say that I can get angry enough with Him that I make Him sleep on the couch. And He usually obliges, to the point where I can't feel His presence and I desperately seek Him.
So there you have it. I'm not as together as I always present myself on my blog. I get jealous, I get paranoid, and I get downright angry. And yet through all this, I'm okay. Even when it feels like God isn't anywhere around, and I don't know why I go through the things I do for Him, I still do them. Maybe that's a sign of insanity or something. I really don't know. Either way, I'm tired of putting up the "tough guy" image. I don't think my emotions make me weaker. In fact, I don't think it's wrong I have them. I just have to make sure that I keep them in place and recognize them for what they are: feelings. Feelings that change with every new day. They aren't worthless, and they aren't anything to be ashamed of, but they aren't anything to dictate how I live my life, either.
I hope the image of a guy who has all these feelings and yet still manages to win his spiritual battles (more or less) is a more encouraging one than the image of a guy who's winning without really trying. I think it is, at least, which is why I finally decided to share this baggage here. Hope you're all doing well. I know I am. It feels good to get some stuff off my chest.