This post isn’t really anything new, since I guess there are only so many things I think about when I’m alone and at home, and I’m sure I’ve written something like this before. Stick with me, though, and maybe I’ll hit some new points. Once again, I’ve been thinking about the future recently… and how difficult it is for me to put it totally into God’s hands. We all have our “problem passages” in the Bible. I’m not just talking about those verses that state certain things we’d like to do are sins, either. There are other commands and bits of advice that we just find really, really hard to take, because they go against our internal natures. For me, the biggest “problem passage” has always been Matthew 6:25-34, which can best be summed up as the “do not worry” passage. That doesn’t sit well with me… at all. I always worry.
More than worry, I always plan. I just have to know what I’m going to be doing tomorrow, next week, next month, next year… I can’t just leave it up to God, even though I’d really like to. That’s probably been my biggest challenge with being celibate. Doing without sex is a challenge, but I’ve done okay with it. I mean, if I can have a very handsome boyfriend for six months and not stumble in that area any more than I did, I think I can do without. I’ve even done okay with the lack of intimacy and closeness, because I have a large group of friends and family to rely on. But those things won’t last forever. College will be done in two years and my friends are already starting to pair off. Eventually we’ll all go our separate ways and they will move on to start families. I’m not jealous or anything, because that’s just what happens, but the prospect does hurt a bit. Even my own family will drift apart as we go through careers and location changes.
As for me… I have no clue what I’m going to do. I’ve written extensively about the benefits of celibacy before… or at least the aspects of it that make it doable. But I’m not quite sure I’ve ever taken that advice to heart. Sex, like I said, is something I can do without. But it’s hard to go through life without someone, especially in a society where everything seems built for sets of two. I guess in the back of my mind I’ve always had plans. They are farfetched and unfeasible plans, but plans nonetheless. Plans that I will meet a nice Side B Christian (male or female) and set up a life with them… plans that I will one day meet a woman that I am genuinely compatible with (physically and spiritually)… even plans that my influence will somehow convince a certain nice Side A man to “switch sides” so that we can go through this together (and we all know how well that plan worked out for me, right?)
Note that I’m calling these things plans, not hopes. Farfetched though they are, my mind just can’t accept that these things won’t happen. When I think of my future, I always see one of my own ideas coming to fruition. It’s not like this is just my problem, either. I think the majority of Christians deal with this. Everyone says they put their future in God’s hands, but they have their own plans for marriage, family, careers, etc. I guess the difference with me is that my plans are so farfetched that I really can’t rely on them, whereas most people can continue being secure in their futures. Maybe that’s a blessing for me. Our little planned futures can be idols; I’ve come to know. If it doesn’t look like you have one before you, then you have to rely on God more, and trust that He will provide one for you. It’s harder, but maybe it’s better that way.
I just have to trust, obey, and let tomorrow take care of itself.