Adventures Of A Christian Collegian

Such Adventures...

2010-06-14T12:33:00.004-04:00

Well, this is the 200th post of "Adventures of a Christian Collegian," and I am sorry to say that it is also the last post. It took me awhile to figure out what to do with this blog, but ultimately I decided that I had really said all I needed to say about homosexuality and my college experience. I want to take this time to just reflect back on these past four years, in my usual completely random and unedited style, and thank all of you for being a part of the adventure. Because, truly, "adventure" is one of the only appropriate words to describe it.

Man, this is a lot harder to do than I thought. How do I encapsulate four years and all the incredible experiences I had in that timeframe? How do I talk about how much I grew in God, how many wonderful, challenging, interesting, frustrating, infuriating, complicated, or downright fun people I encountered? How do I mention my shift in theology, and my oftentimes erratic relationship with God? How do I talk about the many, many mistakes I made, many of which weren't even hinted at on this blog?

It's true that this blog doesn't even come close to representing a complete picture of my life, struggles, views, and quirks. As much as I've tried to be authentic, when push comes to shove it simply isn't feasible to write about every time I stumbled, every time I was depressed, or even every time I was joyful and at peace. There is a lot that I've processed away from this space online, and as the years went on and the friends around me grew closer, the amount of personal things that I processed became less and less.

And that's how it should be. One of my biggest hopes is that, as the church and society become more tolerant and educated about the issue of homosexuality, people won't have to rely on online contact, which can only do so much in the development of strong Christian men and woman. It can do almost nothing compared to genuine fellowship and community with living, breathing people. Sure, it can be messy. There is a lot of false or potentially harmful information out there, and it is often mixed in with good intentions and sincere, honest people.

I am reminded of the recent passing of Alan Medinger, who wrote Growth Into Manhood, a book which pretty succinctly summarizes the traditional conversion model of homosexuality. It's a theory that I've spoken out against multiple times, and which has led to a lot of harm among families and men seeking to live out their faith in boldness and orthodoxy. I think it creates more ex-ex-gays than it does ex-gays, and it certainly has no scientific backing. Does that mean Medinger was a bad person or a bad Christian? No. Just a bad theorist.

The thing is, this journey isn't an easy one, and it doesn't have clear route markers or hurdles to jump. Some people are going to believe some silly stuff for a season, and then find that it doesn't work for them. Others might hang onto it for life, but then again, I'm sure I'll have some prejudices or dumb ideas still lurking in my mind when I pass from this life to the next, as well. The main thing is whether or not I genuinely love Christ and love truth, regardless of whether or not I get either of those things perfectly right all the time.

Does this mean that we don't continue to speak out against what is untruthful or potentially harmful? Of course not. But we also have to recognize shared humanity, shared journeying, and shared belief in Christ. An elderly woman in a small southern town may never resolve the prejudices about race which she was raised with, but that does not mean that Christ's grace, love, and forgiveness couldn't be expressed in other aspects of her life. We're human beings, and we're tricky. As I've grown more, I've realized that black and white is a horrible way to see.

And sometimes I have to stop and look and realize just how much I have grown over the past four years. Every stupid mistake, petty argument, broken relationship, irresponsible choice, and foolish endeavor taught me something about myself and my relationship with God. Every individual who interacted with me, online or in person, positively or negatively, did something to help make me a better person and show me a way to be, or not to be. I hope those whom I am out of contact with now see this and realize that, good or bad, I appreciate them.

There have been an amazing adventures over the past four years, and this blog only shows a fragment of them... Vacations, conversations, parties, concerts, books, music, movies... I really am losing coherence just thinking about all the fabulous things I have done, and I praise God daily for all the things he has shown me over the past four years. I've screwed up a lot, and realize that I still have a lot to learn and a long way to go on the path of sanctification, but when I take in everything, I am left with a sense of wonder and awe about how much He has done.

Now I am at a place where I really have no idea what is ahead of me. I feel I've defined my views on homosexuality here, and I will be leaving this blog up in order to encourage others. I have a new blog up, although there is nothing at all there yet. Feel free to subscribe to it, so when I do eventually post there, you will know. Until then, I would love for longtime readers and lurkers to say their goodbyes to "Adventures of a Christian Collegian." Even if I never blog again, I'll always be around to engage with comments and e-mails.

Until then, than you all for everything. Thank you all for being a part of the adventure. Thank the fellow believers for challenging me and encouraging me in my walk with Jesus Christ. Thank the nonbelievers for keeping me on my toes and challenging me. Sure, we never agreed, but it was great to engage in respectful dialogue and learn how to think about what I believed and why I believed it. I hope and pray that you all come to a full relationship with Jesus Christ, and I pray that you all enjoy the adventure, whether you're in college or not.

Also, enjoy my girl Florence's cover of the Candi Staton gospel classic. You knew I wouldn't just leave you guys hanging without some amazing music, right? Much love and peace to you all. I can't wait to see the comments.

My Testimony, For Now

2010-05-09T22:31:00.004-04:00

I've never really thought of writing out my testimony, which is strange. I fancy myself a writer and I know the power of stories to convey God's work in the lives of individuals. After all, the Bible is in narrative form for a reason, is it not? Stories have power. But stories can also be intimidating to write, especially when they are your own. Lives rarely move in a completely clean and clear linear fashion. They sprawl, and events repeat themselves over and over again, and memories are often tainted by our present realities, not to mention the fog of time. So when writing my testimony, I have to realize that I'm looking back over God's work in my life for the past 21 years. And really, that's only the beginning. Sometimes a story's beginning doesn't really make full sense until you reach the end, and since I haven't reached the end of mine yet, I'm not quite sure what aspects of my past are the most significant to tell.

I'll start with the fact that I was raised in a Christian home. Of course, that can mean anything these days. I'll say that my parents were Methodists, and they took my siblings and I to church, and that we went to Sunday school, youth trips, and pool parties. I'm from a really small southern farm town, not too far from the Carolina coast. The life of the church and the social life of the town were practically identical, and despite all the positives to this, I can't recall a clear presentation of the gospel while growing up. God was the Santa in the sky described in movies and country music songs -- a kindly old guy with a beard who chuckled at humanity's shenanigans and helped us out every now and again. Sadly, I have a feeling that this is how most churchgoing Americans, even if they are in Bible-believing and Bible-preaching churches, see God.

My family life growing up was pretty good. My father was a craftsman and I would work in his shop every day after school, and he taught me a lot about art, music, and the usual "dad" things like how to catch a ball or fix a car. My brother and I were very close, and together we did all the normal kid stuff: building tree houses, fishing, playing ball, riding our bikes, pulling pranks on our sister, etc. I even got along with my male peers very well growing up. And yet, I was "different." I didn't really notice my differences until puberty or so, but when I did notice them, I did everything in my power to hide them from others. That main difference was simple: while my male peers were beginning to notice and think about girls, I was beginning to notice and think about my male peers.

I actually remember the first time I really recognized I was attracted to men. I was watching a television show, and some male actor -- I forget who, exactly -- came on the screen. My first thought was, "Wow, he is beautiful!" My next thought was, "No! He's a guy, and guys aren't allowed to think that about other guys." And thus began a cycle of denying the fact that I was, indeed, attracted to men. I began to stumble with homosexual pornography, but even so, I did not view myself as anything other than heterosexual. Such a thing simply wasn't spoken about outside of the bullying and taunts that I heard at school, especially since I was involved in sports and hung around the more athletic and "macho" students and teachers.

And so I just buried it. I had girlfriends, I acted the part of the normal straight guy, while every night I would look at images of nude men on the Internet, and every day I would feel intense feelings of shame and guilt when I realized that I simply didn't find women attractive, but instead had to do everything to avoid conspicuous arousal as my teammates and I got changed in the locker room. I had no idea how I was going to deal with this issue once I got to college, but I knew it had to be dealt with. As many people do in times of crisis, I turned to faith, and I began to read my Bible and study Christianity seriously for the first time. What I found was that God didn't care about the fact that I liked dudes. I had so many other sins that were just as damning, mostly my pride, and my ignorance of him and his word. I didn't need to be worried about my sexuality at that time, because like most Christians, I hadn't even understood the basics of the faith. Without genuine belief in Christ, and understanding of the gospel, whether I was straight or not would not matter in an eternal sense.

So I made the decision to put my trust in God, and to mean it this time. I think I expected my homosexuality to go away instantly at that time, but obviously it didn't happen. Instead, I have grown in my faith in so many incredible ways in the following four years. I've learned more about grace, sanctification, theology, and true, radical, Biblical love. My understanding of God's holiness and my constant need for repentance has continued to grow, and I am learning new things daily, despite my weakness and brokenness. My sexual struggles are, to me, pretty parallel to the struggles that straight men. Yes, they are present, and I struggle with lust and pornography.

If there is any unique struggle, it is that I am not sure I will ever be able to marry a woman. Personally, I have found quite a bit of fulfillment in singleness, and have been assured that singles are just as commended by God if they serve the kingdom with their whole hearts, which is what I intend to do. It's a daily struggle, and I know I need other Christians around who can stand with me in my loneliness and despair -- when those moments come -- and remind me of God's grace. Hopefully, I can do the same for them when they struggle.

Here And There

2010-04-21T13:28:00.008-04:00

I've been so busy lately, but I'm still reading and looking at interesting blogs and posts. Most have to do with homosexuality, but others are simply theological or political in nature. Here are some of the posts I've read recently.

-- Reader A.J. shows exactly why James Dobson sucks.

-- Brady shares his thoughts about the Day of Truth.

-- Warren Throckmorton does a round up of Day of Silence and Golden Rule Pledge activities.

-- Tim Challies writes an excellent essay about disagreements on doctrine.

-- Karen blogs about the recent coming out of Jennifer Knapp. Also, hurray for Karen blogging again!

-- Matthew Anderson writes about the objection of Miss Knapp, in terms of the divisive issue of which she is unfortunately a part.

-- Courage Man writes a great post about how we gay guys are kind of easy to spot, especially by women. Basically, it's because we have no trouble keeping our eyes where they should be when talking to girls, and they notice this. Straight brothers and struggling sisters beware, a picture of a scantilly clad Kardashian sister makes an appearance in this post.

-- Ex-gay Watch reports about how protesters speaking out against "Don't Ask, Don't Tell" were ordered away from the White House, as were the media. No matter where you stand on this issue, this seems like a pretty clear violation of free speech and the right to peacefully assemble.

-- Reader, and friend, Freelancer posts about how Maureen Dowd's brother got it so very wrong.

-- Randy Thomas points out a movie that I might want to see. Hopefully, it's not too preachy.

Blessings, everyone! Hope life is good.

What It Means To Be Side B

2010-04-17T18:14:00.006-04:00

So, I have to thank everyone for their prayers and concerns after yesterday's post. I really am feeling better, and the support here, on Facebook, and in e-mails has been overwhelming, especially since Neo linked my blog on a "Boundless" post about Jennifer Knapp. Thanks, Neo! I'm getting more traffic than ever before.

In a private response to my last post, a dear friend of mine, who would also identify as a gay celibate Christian (also known as Side B by the elect at the Gay Christian Network, as my friend Joe would put it) wrote a great definition of what it means to live between these two worlds. I just thought I'd post it here. If he gets mad at me for posting it, I'll take it down, but I doubt he will. Hope everyone has a blessed day.

We're different. We know this. Somehow, we have found peace with our faith and our "gayness." I truly am happy knowing I finally peaceful with my sexuality and the God who loves me, in ways I cannot even measure. Still there's that something missing. We're not the guys who can just ignore the fact that we're attracted to other men, we can't (like others) suppress what we are. And we're not like the guys who can just engage and emerge head on into the gay lifestyle, as far as pursuing guys and being physical with our partners, etc. So we find a common ground... We'll be who we are but pursue a celibate life. Yet something remains. A desire for companionship, a hope that one day we can hold the heart of another, and he can hold our hearts.

Number One

2010-04-16T18:49:00.003-04:00

I have to admit that I'm enjoying my time in Belize, but at the same time I am feeling very homesick, and am struggling with an almost crushing loneliness and depression. It happens often, but sometimes it's worse than usual, and much more difficult to push through. Just so you know, this post doesn't mean I'm dying. I think these musings are authentic thoughts for any single person, especially those who are Christian and gay. If the Christian culture in which we live was not so plastic, perhaps more would share instead of trying to appear strong.

A lot of this depression centers around the concept of being number one. I don't mean number one at my job or at a particular sport. I mean number one to another person. I have many friends in relationships, married, dating, straight, gay, or ex-gay. They each see their boyfriends and girlfriends, or husbands and wives, as their number one person. If there was a fire, and everyone they knew was in the building, and yet they could only save one person, they would be spared. And everyone else in the building would probably also have a number one who would save them as well.

But not me. I'm not saying that as a, "Woe is me," kind of thing. It's simply a fact. Sure, I have lots of friends and family, but with all of them, I am not important enough to be considered number one. I'm number five or six, at best, with my siblings, because their spouses and children rightly come first. I'm a background character in all of my friends' lives. If every life was a television show, I wouldn't be a star in any one's. I'd be that wacky neighbor who shows up every three episodes.

I want to be number one. I want someone to save me if they had to choose one person to save. I know, the Christians here are going to say that Jesus should be my number one, and he is, but if those Christians are married or in relationships, I will politely tell them to be quiet. Jesus loves everyone, and doesn't play favorites. I want to be one person's favorite.

And I'm sure people are going to say that's selfish. Again, if those people are married, I'll remind them that they're eating cake, and they're asking me to be content with crumbs. I'll be content with crumbs: None of this should raise alarms to people who are concerned about my walk. My feelings don't change my views and I live according to the latter, not the former.

The main problem is that I can't fix this. It's a hard reality. Even for the single people who are totally content, that doesn't change the fact that -- unless they have a best friend who is also single -- they are no one's number one. I know I can push through this. I'm active, I'm friendly, I'm involved. I thrill seek (went rock climbing this past week) and do what I need to do to make it through, but the fact is I'm not any one's number one, and the guy who is mine (my brother, who I consider my best friend) puts his wife and children first, and I tie with my sister.

And yes, I really do have my relationships ranked in list form. It's how my mind works. I guess my main question is how do I live with this? It's a fact. Even if I do get married one day, it will still be a fact for other single people out there. So what can be done? How do you live when you are no one's number one, when that's one of the primary drives that we have as human beings? If you are single, how do you cope with it? If you are married, what do you do to comfort and ease the pain of your single friends, because I don't want to call people out, but I do think that's your responsibility. I don't think just leaving the single people to their own devices is a good idea, but of course that's how the church often acts, because once people have their number ones, they often just forget about everyone else who doesn't.

"...To Be Alone"

2010-03-31T13:15:00.003-04:00

Today I read Genesis 2 during my quiet time. It's not too usual to read Old Testament chapters for quiet time, I suppose, but I do think it challenges me to make sense of parts of the Bible that often get overlooked, or simply aren't seen as being worthy of spiritual enlightenment by the Bible study set. Reading through Genesis 2 was such a challenge. How does the story of Eve's creation fit into my life?

I'll start by saying that I'm still undecided about the old earth vs. young earth creation debate, although my faith doesn't crumble if either side is proven true (nor does it crumble if evolution is true, or if Adam and Eve were metaphorical characters). It do believe that every part of the Bible is useful, though, and when reading through Genesis my mind zoned in on the 18th verse: "The Lord God said, 'It is not good for the man to be alone. I will make a helper suitable for him.'"

This verse has often been used as proof that all men should marry, or that if a man is lonely, then he is not called to singleness and needs a wife. Now, I love all my friends who are trying to get married (gay, straight, or ex-gay), and I wish them all the luck in the world in finding the man or woman of their dreams.

However, Eve just wasn't made for Adam. She was made to be the mother of all humanity, to fill the world with people, who would go on to form communities. Marriage is a very good thing, but it isn't the cure for loneliness. Community in Christ is, and that's my brief devotional for today. I'm loving my time in Belize, everyone!

The Nature Of Love

2010-03-23T20:09:00.004-04:00

1 John 4 - "Dear friends, let us love one another, for love comes from God. Everyone who loves has been born of God and loves God."

I often wonder what it means to love. I throw the word around a lot. In fact, any friend of mine -- whether online or in person -- will usually hear it from me. It's my standard closing, along with "Take care!" and "God bless!" Sometimes I have been told that I say it too much; that if I say it to everyone, then I have watered it down, and it can't be truly believed.

I don't know if that's true. Surely there are some people who I prefer to hang out with more than others, simply due to common interests or personal styles. However, like I said in the "Unity" post, even those things shouldn't keep us apart as brothers and sisters in Christ. Okay, so I might not have much in common with a janitor or a fireman or a soccer mom, but if we all believe in Christ we are required -- in fact, commanded -- to love each other.

Does love just sit there like a stone? No. Love does things. It has to be made. To say that I, soon-to-be college graduate, loves the farmer or the janitor but I don't spend time with them or care for them, then have I really loved them? I'm not saying that we are required to get along perfectly with everyone. I think it's fine to admit when we are outside of our comfort zones. But what I think is important is to step outside of our comfort zones, to seek relationships with those who we would never talk to if not for the bond of Christ. I think this is the way the world will know we are his.

Unity

2010-03-20T09:12:00.001-04:00

Belize really is becoming a great place to have quiet times. Today I read in Ephesians, about the ways in which Christians should live together in the body of Christ.

It is so amazing, and slightly embarrassing, to think about the ways that Christians can divide themselves -- I should say ourselves -- over insignificant issues. I'm not saying distinctions between Catholic and Protestant, or even Baptist and Methodist, aren't important.

Nor do I think that political differences, or differences in psychological perspectives when it comes to the issue of homosexuality and the church, are insignificant. I wouldn't blog about them if I didn't think they were important to a certain extent, and that some people are hurt by certain practices or opinions.

However, reading through Ephesians has reminded me how insignificant those things will be in the next life. God won't ask if we were Democrat or Republican, gay or straight or ex-gay, Methodist or Adventist or Presbyterian or Catholic. He will ask -- to those of us who were called to one hope in him -- if we were "completely humble and gentle," or if we were "patient, bearing with one another in love."

So, despite the arguments we have as Christians -- whether it's about the age of the earth, the origins of homosexuality, the role of faith in politics, Biblical definitions of masculinity and femininity, or predestination vs. free will -- we must remember to "make every effort to keep the unity of the Spirit through the bond of peace."

Unity of the Spirit doesn't mean that we lose our unique perspectives and opinions. We don't become carbon copies of each other. Each one of us has been given grace as Christ appointed it, and while on earth we are supposed to have different talents and views, and different ways of thinking and talking, in order for the body of Christ to be built up. So this is a reminder to myself to remember these things, every time I have a conflict with a brother or sister in Christ.

A Spirit-Filled Life

2010-03-18T10:48:00.001-04:00

Just so you know, I'm in Central America right now. My student teaching in North Carolina is over and I'm currently with a group of education majors teaching English in a small town on the coast of Belize. It's an amazing experience, and I hope to take you guys along with me while I go through it.

My first early morning in Belize has been a good one. I'm still getting used to the air here, and the easy way of life. I'm finding early mornings are very peaceful, and I am using them for Bible study, writing, and my journal, and other things like that.

I read Galatians 5 today and it talks about the fruit of the Spirit, and that the Spirit and sinful nature desire opposite things. There is no envy or selfish ambition in the Spirit, it says, which is a good reminder for me to focus less on my own comfort.

I do get very preoccupied with my own life. I mean, I blog, correct? But even more than that, I have a lot of goals and I work to achieve them. I worked my butt off in college and it helped me get into Johns Hopkins, one of the best graduate writing programs in the country.

While I'm there, I intend to continue working my butt off so I don't get into debt. Living in Baltimore could very well be expensive, but I'll live in a closet and work two jobs if I have to. I want to make sure that I don't get into debt because I want to be financially stable as possible.

And anyone who knows me knows that I don't want money so I can spend it. I want to have enough money not so I can have a fancy house or car or clothes, but so I can adopt a child as a single dad one day. On a teacher's salary, I know that I will need to start saving now, and pretty much all my short-term goals and sacrifices feed into that long-term one.

Is that selfish ambition? I haven't quite figured that out. I have a strong desire to be a father, and also a strong desire to be single. I know that I should be happy in whatever situation, because peace is found in the Lord. However, does that mean that I shouldn't work towards my goals?

Some of my goals have selfish motivations. I know this. I have a very strong defiant streak in me. I'm strong-willed and tunnel-visioned, and I realize this about myself. If someone doubts me, it pushes me forward in pretty incredible ways. It's worked well for me so far, giving me a 3.9 GPA in college and helping me get involved and succeed in many clubs, organizations, and jobs over the years.

If a non-Christian doubts my ability to remain celibate and happy, or an ex-gay doubts my ability to remain gay and also pure (since I'm not actively trying to change my orientation), then both of them simply motivate me to prove them both wrong, and my narrow focus will exhaust itself until I'm proven right. I've known a few ex-gays who have doubted me in the past who are now openly gay or are no longer Christians at all, and I'll admit that this vile, stubborn streak in me does experience satisfaction when those who have doubted me fall. That's when I know I've gone too far, and I know I need help and prayer to not do good works for absolutely wrong reasons such as this.

I do have right reasons for my goals. I want to be a writer because I want to entertain and inspire people, not because I want fame. I want a child not to prove that I'm just as happy and just as good of a father as the married dads, but to give a child a home and raise him or her in the Lord. I want to be a happy and assured single man in order to help minister to those who struggle with homosexuality, and to show them that even if they don't succeed at changing their sexual orientation or getting married, God is still with them and life is still amazing and worth living. My selfish or spiteful motivations can also be good and holy ones.

Trying to live out my life so that my heart does the will of the Spirit is difficult, and I pray that others support me so that I work towards my goals with God, not anger or spite, in mind. Advice or concerns would be welcome here. However, I am in Belize, so the connection is spotty at best and it will probably take awhile for comments to go through. Also, I have another blog to record my travels. Keep in mind that my family, students, and friends read that blog, so if you comment, don't mention "gay stuff," because I am not "out" to everyone, especially not my students. The address is here. God bless, and I look forward to your thoughts on this.

Confidence

2010-03-03T20:36:00.005-05:00

One thing that I have certainly noticed over my student teaching so far is the amazing amount of confidence that I have built up. Now, I never have really seen myself as not being confident. I played sports in high school, I've worked with kids in numerous occasions before -- from summer camps to tutoring -- and I've worked as a leader in a few housing positions at my local university. However, being in front of a classroom is a totally different animal.

I think with my previous experiences I was still somewhat of a follower. I don't think this was necessarily a bad thing; it was simply how things went down. Okay, I was the "captain" of my track and cross country teams in high school but that was mainly a seniority thing, and all I really did was organize things and lead the warm-ups. While I was a camp counselor and an RA, I often took a back-seat to some of the other counselors when it came to group decisions.

Again, those aren't necessarily bad things. I was a good teammate and a loyal, hardworking coworker. I still am. But being in front of a classroom has given me the unique experience of being totally in charge. I am very fortunate that my supervising teacher is not a micro-manager. Quite the opposite, she expects for me to be bold and decisive when it comes to my lesson planning and my classroom management. If I bomb sometimes, I have to pick myself up.

And boy, I have definitely bombed a few times -- more than a few -- over this experience. I've made bad calls when it came to classroom management, I've procrastinated, I've had really poorly-planned lessons, and I've overlooked important dates and figures. There has been so much stuff thrown at me at once over the past six weeks and I am only now starting to feel like I have the swing of it. Now that I've said that, some new circumstance will come along, I'm sure.

But you know what? I'm okay with that. Through all of this, I've had to learn from my mistakes and pick up the pieces myself. I've become more confident not because I'm perfect, but because I know that if I screw up, I can simply be a man, say I'm sorry, and work hard to clean up whatever mess I made and move on -- learning to do better the next time. It's been a pretty great experience and it's really shown me what confidence really is. Goodnight, everyone!

The Hunt

2010-03-02T21:26:00.003-05:00

Hello again! I suppose if there is something other than student teaching taking up my time and energy these days, it's my hunt for a good graduate school. Before Christmas, I ended up applying to ten schools across seven states. At this point in my semester, I have already received acceptance letters from five of them. I haven't received a rejection letter yet, and that, to be honest, is quite overwhelming.

Of course I see myself as extremely fortunate that I have the ability to choose between so many great schools. So far, I have been accepted to two pretty standard (but still good) state colleges, one private Jesuit college, and and two very elite private colleges -- one in California and one in Maryland. I'm absolutely thrilled to be accepted into all of them. To be totally honest, I have always been somewhat insecure about my academic ability.

To be accepted into such great schools is a bit of an ego-booster. I've talked with several professors about how shocked I am that I've had this many acceptances -- the reason I applied to so many schools, after all, was because I was certain that most would reject me. Realizing that even my "long shot" schools said yes has been an interesting experience, and even though in many ways it validates the hard work I've put into my college career, it's humbling as well.

I really am not a great intellect. I will go ahead and say that right now. I can certainly be lazy at times and like I said in my last post, I procrastinate like it's no one's business. I'm pretty good at making connections and networking -- both online and in person -- but I realize that's not really a skill that takes any kind of work or effort. It's just a personality trait. The fact that I've gotten into so many graduate schools shocks me because, well, I'm just not sure I deserve them.

However, I can't deny that God has opened up some pretty great opportunities for me, and I am going to take them. I don't know how I'm going to decide. There are so many factors to take into consideration, from name recognition to finances to location and distance from friends and family. I will definitely be praying a lot over the next few weeks as more information comes in and I get closer to my decision. I hope you guys will pray as well. God bless!

Yellow Legal Pads

2010-03-01T22:24:00.005-05:00

Hello, all! I know it's been forever since I posted last, and that was after I made a certain commitment to posting regularly. I guess that all went down the metaphorical toilet quickly, right? There is a pretty good reason for that: teaching. Honestly, I have never been more tired in my entire life. It wasn't this bad when I was working at a summer camp, getting very little sleep and dealing with energetic elementary school kids all day and all night, it wasn't this bad.

My life has become so structured in the last few weeks, it's ridiculous. I've always had a certain affinity for yellow legal pads but nowadays I live my life by them. I seriously have a whole stack in my room, filled with checklists, addresses, notes, prayer lists, Bible verses to look up, students whose parents I need to call or whose papers I have yet to grade, and all sorts of other little things (like the number of the mechanic I had to scribble down today after I had car trouble).

Seriously, I had no idea being a grown up was like this. At the same time, I really enjoy the amount of structure. I like the checklists and the prayer lists. It actually helps me get stuff done. Oh, of course I still procrastinate. Heck, I am procrastinating on grading some spelling tests at this very moment. But I'm still able to get all the work I need to get done done. And honestly, I've never felt more assertive and in control in my life. It's quite liberating in a way.

One thing that I think intrigues me about my newfound reliance on checklists is that it gives me a certain view of how much a person can get done in a day. There are so many little interactions that one barely ever notices, but writing them all down on a little legal pad makes you realize just how much stuff human beings do in a day (especially those who work a job as stressful as teaching English to high school students).

I don't know if there's anything particularly profound or interesting about that. I'm still learning how to deal with everything. I do intent to blog every day this week. Not long posts, and probably nothing too deep either. I just like the structure of it, and I like the idea of getting back into a daily blog habit, which is how this blog first started. I hope you all stick around for the adventure, because let me tell you, it's pretty wild!

Nosy

2010-01-18T09:23:00.004-05:00

I realize that I am quite the nosy person. I've tried to find other words for it—inquisitive worked for awhile—but when it comes down to it, I think nosy is probably the most accurate. I really do just like to know other people's business, but I don't have any malicious or meddlesome intent. Generally, I think I simply like to know things for the sake of knowing them. I'm a motivated lifelong learner, and what could possibly be a more fascinating subject to explore than the many motivations, fears, beliefs, obsessions, family histories, friendships, and experiences that shape people?

Mark Twain once said, "There was never yet such a thing as an uninteresting life. Such a thing is an impossibility. Inside of the dullest exterior is a drama, a comedy, and a tragedy." I have found this to be largely true. One of the most telling parts about human pride is that we assume that our complex inner lives are totally unique and that how we view the world is the way the world is. In one sense, that is true. We are incredibly unique and the way we view the world is probably the most important to how we live our individual lives. Therefore, what could possibly be more interesting in life than to look at how other people view the world?

The Internet, of course, gives us even more room to be nosy. It turns us into miniature journalists, except we don't have to go through the difficult steps of actually meeting and interviewing people to learn all about them most of the time. We can see a blog or a profile on Facebook and MySpace and immediately presume to know a person's complexities. It's silly, of course. This blog doesn't reveal all that I am. But it's a good place to start, and I know that people who have met me through here have gotten to know a lot of my story. One could say they were nosy, but then again, I was putting myself out there to have my story heard about.

I guess the sad thing is that you really can't know everyone. There is always going to be that one fascinating, beautiful person who you only saw at a party once, or who is a friend of a friend of a friend. You'll only want to sit down and talk with them and hear all about their story, but alas, your paths simply won't cross in this lifetime. There's an overwhelming sense of loss and wonder there, like when I walk into a library and see all the wonderful books that I simply will never have a chance to read. Or when I think about all the places in the world that I will not have the time to see.

So of course I need to learn how to hold back this desire to know everybody. It's not really polite to go up to people and ask personal questions as soon as you meet them, but of course I'm just that kind of guy. I'm not a journalist (yet!) so I can't just go up to people and ask questions. I guess I'll just have to be content getting to know the fascinating and interesting people that God has put in my life, and writing fiction around the glimpses of others that I see. After all, taking notes about people and writing fiction about them is what all good authors do, right? I know this post has been rambling, but hey, that has always been the case. Goodnight, everybody!

Focus

2010-01-11T20:19:00.003-05:00

Well, it has been an interesting start to the new year. I started student teaching last week. I'm not actually teaching yet. So far I'm simply observing and writing lesson plans, but I do have my own desk! It's a bit overwhelming, because I have to plan the whole semester in these next two weeks, but I'm pretty confident I can get things done. It's one of those things where waiting last minute to plan things would make me look like an idiot in front of my students, and that, I have found, is quite good motivation. So is the fact that my every move is going to be monitored by my supervising teacher for the first few weeks.

It's quite amazing how this new structure of the day has affected my life. Being forced to get up by 6:30 so I can make it to school by 7:30, not being able to access Facebook all day, not being able to take a mid-afternoon nap, and having definite goals and objectives in my day has helped me stay focused on other aspects of my life, even if they aren't school-related. Perhaps it sounds silly, but I do think "focus" is a good theme for this semester. (Everyone has themes for particular months and years, right? Or is that just me?)

I have a million things I need to focus on when it comes the collegian side of things: from lesson plans to portfolios to graduate school applications (which, thank goodness, are almost done!) But on the Christian side of things, I only have a few goals for this semester. I mean, they're very big goals (what aspect of faith can be dealt with lightly?) but they're few in number. One is to gain more control of my spending and make sure that I am giving more. I'm a very blessed person. Simply having food in my belly, a roof over my head, clean clothes on my back, a warm bed to sleep in, and a college education makes me a hundred times more fortunate than the vast majority of people on Earth.

I really need to keep better track of the money I spend on extra items, then, because I do think it shows a lack of spiritual discipline to be in debt due to frivolous spending. I also need to develop more of a heart for the poor. I've started feeling convicted that I need to start tithing regularly. The church that I attend is an excellent place, and they are constantly doing a variety of projects to help the poor in the community and spread the Gospel. Due to my very limited time this semester, I can't exactly participate, but I know I can give. I highly encourage others to give to worthy causes as well. My friend Joe recently pointed me towards a cause he has been working with, which helps provide water towards those who are less fortunate in other countries. If you can, please check it out and give what you can, because I know he's passionate about it, and it's a great cause.

The second thing I need to focus on is my Biblical knowledge. My friend Josh recently posted a very interesting and convicting post on his blog about the lack of Biblical knowledge among Christians. As an English major, who tends to take definitions and clarity very seriously, I'm somewhat ashamed that I could not answer the entire list of questions off the top of my head. For a Christian, I do think it's necessary that I be able to clearly define the Gospel, justification, the Great Commission, as well as clearly explain doctrines such as grace, the Trinity, etc. I do think that grace, marked by the presence of the Holy Spirit, is what saves. Intellect does not. However, a clear working knowledge of Scripture and doctrine seems pretty important.

And before I really settle down on my stance on the Calvinist/Arminian issue (I'm still working on that, as I mentioned in this post), I really do need to cover the basics. They're in my heart, and I love Christ with my whole heart, but there are certain things that I simply need to be able to articulate in an intelligent, clear manner. Like I said in my last post, I've kind of already figured out where I stand and how I need to move forward when it comes to the whole homosexuality issue. I can't sit around and talk about all the sex I'm not having anymore. To talk about celibacy is dull after awhile, you know? It's time for me to move on, because there is a lot more to me, and a lot more to my faith.

My church is also going through a series on Proverbs. I usually am not the kind of person who takes notes and follows the sermon series closely, but I do plan on doing it for this series. Proverbs 1:7 certainly struck me during yesterday's sermon: "The fear of the LORD is the beginning of knowledge: but fools despise wisdom and instruction." I want to know more about Him, and about Christianity, because I love Him. And I hope that over this next semester, and throughout the rest of my life, I can focus on Him and grow in wisdom and clarity.

Is This Thing Still On?

2010-01-02T15:05:00.005-05:00

Well, it has been two months since I last posted on this thing. I really feel bad about that. I've never been the most active blogger but I am so appreciative of the community that I've had the chance to build here for the past four years. Can you believe it's been that long? I've met so many wonderful people and even the arguments that have gone on here have really helped strengthen me and make me into a bolder, more assertive, and hopefully, more Christ-like person. So I am sorry for leaving people in the dark for the past two months. I wasn't taking a fast or anything, I just realized that for the first time in a long time, I really didn't have anything to say.

And that is probably just due to the nature of this blog. Although I've covered a variety of subjects here, most of my posts have centered around homosexuality, and my various perspectives, opinions, and disagreements about its relation to Christianity, the church, the ex-gay movement, and culture. Most of these posts weren't mere op-eds meant to get my opinion across. Instead, I used them, and the subsequent discussions, to pin down exactly where I was on this massive, complex, and if I may say, very queer spectrum of religion and sexuality. I've said what I thought about reparative therapy, the likelihood of orientation change, gay rights, gay identity, Exodus, etc.

Now I'm at a place where I feel I've said it all. To borrow an old phrase from gay activists of years past, I'm here, I'm queer, and I'm used to it. I've always been comfortable being celibate and I've always felt that I was in a good position, but I still felt the desire to talk about it in order to further articulate what I believed to be true. Now I feel that it's articulated. Although nothing about my opinions has changed, at the same time I feel that when it comes to sharing them, that ship has already sailed, at least in terms of this blog. I mean, really, what more do I have to say about the gay/ex-gay debate? In my mind, I don't have much, and for my own sanity I think it's time I stopped talking about it so much.

Oh, of course I will drop in my two cents if something awful is going on (on either the part of gay activists or the religious right or ex-gay ministries). I certainly said what I thought about Uganda, and as other issues arise, I'll say what I think about them, as well. After all, isn't that what blogging is for? But I do have to admit that the "all-gay, all-the-time" blogging will likely stop. I'm sure there are other issues related to homosexuality that I'll want to drop an opinion on one day, but for now, I'm ready to just live my life and enjoy it, without having to worry about all the "gay stuff," as I've said to a few friends. I'm content in my walk with the Lord and where He has brought my sexual behavior, so really... What more is there to be said?

But don't worry, dear readers, I still have a lot of things to talk about. For one, there will be some amazing trips for me happening this year, including a study abroad adventure in Belize come March. I'll also be student teaching at a local high school, so I know I'll have things to say about that (although they will probably be very, very general, seeing as blogging about work isn't always the wisest choice). I have graduate school coming up in August, or at least I hope I do. I'm applying. I don't know; there are simply a lot of things to me. I'm not just one issue. I am diverse, and I want to share that diversity with you guys.

So here is to 2010. Yes, my blog is still going. I'm going to try to post every Saturday. What will the topics be? Who knows. But I'm looking forward to the adventure. Happy New Year, everyone!

Diverse Friends

2009-11-10T16:33:00.008-05:00

Sorry I have been fairly silent recently. This is basically my final semester of college courses, since next semester I will be student teaching, which is basically the same thing as being a full-time teacher in terms of hours, just without pay. I'm getting ready for all of that, and I'm also finishing my Senior English classes, which are pretty stressful. Graduate school applications are also pretty intense right now, so in general I'm finding it pretty difficult to blog.

With all of these things happening at once, I sometimes forget just how important these last few months are. Everything seems to be coming together at once, not only academically, but also socially. Over the past four years, I have met hundreds of people, both in-person and online. Some are Christians, many are not. Many of the online folks are gay, gay but celibate, ex-gay, post-gay, or some weird combination of all of the above.

I have grown a lot over the past four years. I have had so many great conversations with folks, both in-person and online. The conversations have been about God, faith, sexuality, and life in general. I have made a ton of friends on all sides of the controversial issues, and hopefully I have helped them grow and learn in the same way they have helped me grow and learn. Certainly, there have been some pretty intense talks and conversations, and quite a few debates with harsh words.

But I hope, and I have quite a bit of confidence about this, that despite the harsh words and the arguments about such controversial topics, strong friendships have been maintained and built. I'm in the unique position of being a conservative Evangelical Christian and a gay guy. I believe in God but I also have pretty hands-off beliefs about government, unlike many conservative Christians. I am not going to meet a single friend who I agree with 100 percent.

When talking to a traditional Exodus guy, we can experience a lot of connection when it comes to talking about battling temptation or fitting into Evangelical culture as men who struggle with same-sex attraction. We argue, often, when it comes to things like politics, or labels, or expectations of orientation change, or the theories of psychological development of homosexuality. It has been hard, I suppose, for a Side B guy like me to get along with both gays and ex-gays.

The experience, though, has been a needed one. If you don't get out there and meet people who are different from you, you aren't ever challenged. It would be easy to assume that all Evangelicals are bigots and all Exodus guys are delusional or anti-intellectual. Getting to know them, however, has shown a lot of diversity among them, almost as much as there is in the gay community. There is also a lot more open-mindedness, realism, and genuine academic curiosity than one would originally assume.

Now, the only hope would be that those on the conservative side of the spectrum would take a chance to get to know those on more liberal sides more often, and really get to know them without any prejudice or preconceived notions. As I move forward out of college, and start to build new relationships in graduate school and whatever community I eventually move to, I hope to keep living out this principle of getting to know people from all walks of life.

Musings On The Road

2009-10-21T23:02:00.003-04:00

I had a pretty awesome weekend. I got in my beat-up car and visited friends in Charlotte, Spruce Pine, and Asheville. I spent about 15 hours on the road in all, and I just felt so grown-up. I also visited some different people. I stayed with an ex-gay couple who works for Exodus in Charlotte, and I stayed with an actively gay Buddhist in Asheville. As a gay celibate Christian with liberal politics, I had major disagreements with both sets of people, and have had online arguments with all of them before. In person, though, they were all nice, sweet, engaging people. The disagreements still exist, but it was nice to stay the night with folks without arguing. We all have so much more in common than we have in disagreement.

Other than that, things are going well. I'm really excited about graduate school. The one I visited this weekend was awesome and everyone was so nice, and it's only my backup! I love how my backup is somewhere I would be 100% happy with.

On the spiritual side of things, my Bible study (great dudes) have been going through 1 John this semester. There's been a lot of conviction about being in the world but not of the world. For example, I was watching "Slumdog Millionaire" with friends the other day. It's a great movie, but at the end of it, even though it ended fairly happily, I couldn't feel too joyful. The characters were still all Muslim and Hindu. Even though they were happy, I just couldn't forget that their happiness was nothing without Christ. They would still be unsaved. I've been really convicted about this recently. Should I root for characters that I know aren't saved? I should be preoccupied with the salvation of others, and I need to more boldly proclaim the Gospel, because Hell is a reality. Eternal life and joy, far better than the joy of this Earth, is a reality. I want everyone I know and love on the joyful side of the divide, and even though I'm not going to start listening to all hymns and watching only Christian-themed television, my faith in Jesus needs to influence how I see art as well. I obviously should not use depictions of sin for my entertainment (which means I might have to let "Mad Men" go, since you can't watch that show without being forced to root for someone committing adultery). But even in other films or TV shows, if there are happy endings, but no one is saved, can they really be called happy?

As always, it's something to think about. This is what happens when you put me in a car for a few days with little else to do. :)

Two Things To Read About: One Bad, One Good

2009-10-18T17:57:00.006-04:00

Hey guys! Well, this weekend I'm driving around the great state of North Carolina in my beat up Ford Tempo (which I just learned was on this blog's list of the worst cars ever, huzzah). I've been visiting friends, driving to places that I've never driven through before (the mountains are gorgeous!) and Monday I will be touring a potential graduate school (that's right! "Adventures of a Christian Grad Student" could be right around the corner!) While I'm hanging out with a bud near Asheville, I thought I'd blog a bit. Yes, I know my blogging recently has been more along the lines of finding cool articles to direct you towards, dear readers, than writing cool articles myself. I guess I'm just a Senior who's busy with two jobs and writing a Hemingway thesis. Sue me, okay?

Warren Throckmorton has written an excellent piece about some of the horrible things going on in Uganda right now. I know Exodus has said they weren't involved in the conference in Kampala that started this madness, but even so, they were involved enough that I think a statement about the violations of human rights that are going on would be appropriate. I know Exodus has made statements about violations of free speech in America and around the world (especially those that happen against conservatives or Christian). Making a similar statement about the violation of these same rights against gays seems necessary, to me. And we should pray that the government of Uganda begins recognizing what democracy and freedom really mean.

Also, Disputed Mutability is back, everyone! I missed the girl, but of course being a mother and wife is a pretty taxing job that does take some time away from writing massive, brilliant posts. And yet, here she has written one. It's a really great reflection about identity, labels. In short: they're confusing. But she does make a lot of good and balanced reflections about them, Exodus, and the ex-gay movement as a whole. The world needs more Christians like her.

Hope you guys are well. Read those posts and enjoy, and if you have any comments about either, leave them here. Take care!

Now Here's A Place To Start Talking...

2009-10-13T16:30:00.004-04:00

Karen, once again, is asking the hard questions. The questions that probably every ex-gay ministry should ask at the outset (but so few do). I think my answers to this question are pretty well-known (check out my personal favorite post called "My Hope" for the answers), but if you're someone who struggles with SSA -- whether involved in Exodus or not -- it would be awesome if you could go over to Karen's blog and take a stab at the questions she's asking in "What If You Don't Change?"

Till then, cheers everyone. I'm extremely busy this week so I'll be moderating comments but I can't say that I'll be responding to everyone like I normally try to do.

Mixed-Orientation Marriages

2009-10-05T23:31:00.005-04:00

The comment thread of the previous post turned into quite the discussion about mixed-orientation marriages. That wasn't really the topic of the post, so I'm going to use one of my comments in that threat to kick off a more well-rounded discussion about the subject. It's interesting, it's raw, and it's very personal, so I think we should all do our best to be sensitive about this issue. I know I'm a 21-year-old single guy who knows nothing about marriage -- mixed-orientation or not -- so everything I say can certainly be taken with that grain of salt.

For clarification, I'm going to say that "mixed-orientation marriage" refers to a marriage in which one spouse is heterosexual and the other spouse is not (and is gay or bisexual). Just because the non-heterosexual spouse doesn't refer to himself or herself as homosexual or bisexual doesn't mean that he or she isn't one. So even married Exodus people like Alan Chambers -- who still admit to having homosexual thoughts even though they've been "freed from homosexuality" -- are also included in this. Calling oneself "completely heterosexual" (which Chambers has done before) doesn't mean that one is, and saying that one is heterosexual and then admitting that one still likes men is just insulting to all intelligent people involved in the discussion. So mixed-orientation marriage it is!

I understand what the caution-givers in the comment thread were saying, although I am somewhat curious. How is a mixed-orientation marriage different from, say, a man whose wife undergoes physical changes (gains weight, loses figure through childbirth) and who loses attraction towards her? Certainly there are heterosexual marriages where sexual attraction decreases or almost stops completely, and yet due to the Christian faith they persevere.

I don't think the gay/SSA/put-your-term-of-choice-here people I know who are married are doing this to be "normal." Some of them are part of Exodus ministries so I do question their motivations (unfortunately). Others, however, have views about as anti-Exodus as I do. They hate seeing their marriages used as "signs of hope" by their churches and communities. They are very honest about the struggles, and many of them are just like what you said -- struggling with healthy heterosexual intimacy, and suppressing gay urges. I'm not saying it's not exhausting, but these are people who love their spouses and love the Lord and have to deal with some special challenges.

But doesn't every couple have to deal with special challenges? Whether it's illness or in-law drama or the loss of a child or inability to conceive or a child with disabilities or busy work schedules or decrease in sexual desire -- every couple has major things to deal with.

Although I don't see marriage as my own personal path, I don't have a problem with people with these orientations seeking it. So long as they are extremely honest with each other, and don't show their wedding rings as a sign of some kind of orientation change, and don't allow themselves to be shown as more holy or healthy or balanced than godly singles. I know around Exodus you won't find many (if any) couples like that. But that doesn't mean that there aren't some mixed-orientation marriages that do work, and we may caution folks about the difficulties that go along with such a path, but we don't have a right to tell them whether or not to seek it.

Goals

2009-09-27T09:37:00.002-04:00

“Therefore do not be anxious about tomorrow, for tomorrow will be anxious for itself. Sufficient for the day is its own trouble.” (Matthew 6:34, ESV)

I have always had difficulty with this verse. More specifically, I have had difficulty living out this verse in my own life. I am a natural worrier. I worry about the future all the time. I have very specific goals for my future, really. I want to go to graduate school. I want to teach high school for awhile. I want to be a published author, and earn enough money so that I can adopt a child on my own. I want to become a university professor later in life. I want to be an upstanding Christian who is content in his singleness and an encouragement to others who struggle with SSA.

I want to help make it so Christians don’t flinch when they hear the term “gay,” and maybe even help the language of those who struggle something a little clearer (I really see no reason why “gay” and “SSA” can’t be interchangeable, but some people will only use one or the other for reasons that simply don’t make sense to me). I want to help make it so ex-gay ministries refocus their goals on helping people live lives obedient to Christ and their values, instead of focusing on marriage or heterosexuality or “freedom from homosexuality” (I really, really hate that phrase, since it’s so misleading; I’ve never met an SSA man, even a very faithful and loving married one, who didn’t still have pronounced homosexual attractions, and I wish those guys would be as candid with their public testimonies as they are in private correspondence).

So I have a lot of goals. I have a laser focus and a very driven heart when it comes to reaching those goals, and I often act defensively when confronted with something that will threaten those goals (just ask anyone who has ever gotten into an argument about ex-gay terminology with me). For example, I have a very difficult time with Christians who refuse to even support basic civil unions for gay couples, because it’s usually these hard-line conservatives who don’t want to allow gays to adopt—not even single ones—and that threatens one of my most treasured goals. (On a mostly unrelated note, I also get annoyed at Christians who don’t support gay marriage but who say they’d support civil unions, but then don’t do anything to actively promote civil unions or things like hospital visitation rights; put up or shut up, people).

Are my goals necessarily God-ordained? Well, that depends. Certainly my goal to be a faithful and obedient single man is. After all, the only reason I don’t have a boyfriend right now—and hopefully will never stray and have one—is because of Him. I do think that many gay Christians can marry heterosexually, and I support them when they do if they have been honest and cautious about it. I don’t see that as my own particular calling, simply because I think I can do a lot more as a single man. I want to show Christians that a single gay guy can be obedient, loving, Biblically-sound, and have a heart that seeks Christ. I want to show that it’s possible.

But maybe the other goals are things God doesn’t have in store for me. I’m in the graduate school application process. I certainly have particular places in mind that I’d want to go (Baltimore, Colorado), but what if I only get accepted at a school in North Carolina, and have to stay here? Or what if my family hits financial ruin and instead of getting to focus on my writing I have to go live back home and take care of my mother and be a teacher in the same high school I graduated from? These things are certainly possible, but I think I’ve reached a point in my faith when I can say that, even if those kinds of things happened to me, I could still count my many blessings and praise God. My goals seem good and valuable and are precious to me right now, but if they turn out to not be His goals, well, he will show me. I just need to keep at them and stop worrying about them, I guess.

Hey, She Almost Stole My Blog Title...

2009-09-20T22:13:00.004-04:00

Karen Keen (who I am obligated to say is awesome, in case you didn't know) recently posted a great summary of what it's like to be a gay student at a Christian college (and by gay, I mean SSA, ex-gay, struggling, or whatever your term of choice is). She took notes from the recent study about gay Christian college students out of Regent University (which links to my blog, for some strange reason), the testimonies of Wheaton College graduates like Wesley Hill and Steve Slagg, and the outsider's perspective of Kevin Roose, a non-Christian who went to Liberty University for a semester and wrote a pretty interesting book about his experiences (which I also suggest you read if you haven't already).

The comments section of Karen's post is also getting some really cool action, especially from other gay students and alums from Christian colleges. I guess I'm not the only Christian collegian having adventures out there, am I?

Well This Should Be Fun

2009-09-16T11:29:00.006-04:00

It appears as though Joseph Nicolosi has a book and new theories about the origins (and "cure") for homosexuality. If the excerpts from Dr. Warren Throckmorton's latest blog post are any indication of the rest of Nicolosi's new book (Shame and Attachment Loss: The Practical Work of Reparative Therapy) then it seems that Nicolosi's theories have become even further detached from reality (who knew that would be possible?) I didn't know that my same-sex attraction was the result of me hating myself as a child, or that this self-hatred was triggered by "abandonment-annihilation trauma" (which is especially funny when you consider that I was around my parents 24/7 since dad worked at home and mom was my elementary school teacher... yeah, I totally didn't get enough parental attention).

Dr. Throckmorton is prepping to write a more in-depth review of the book (and someone should seriously consider giving the man an award of some kind for taking the time to actually read and respond to such things seriously). Like all of Nicolosi's work, though, there are already some painfully obvious affronts to common sense involved, the clearest of which Throckmorton writes about here.

This should be reasonably easy to test. If all of this is true, homosexuals should be unable to hold jobs, or advance in careers, or do other things which require secure object relations and attachments. And of course, this is the practical problem for the practical work of reparative therapy. Many gay, ex-gay, post-gay, and SSA people do not have lives which correspond to the predictions in this book. Nor do their lives indicate the kind of deep self-deficits which are predicted here.

Oddly enough, homosexuals seem to be very adept at holding jobs, advancing in careers, and building secure relationships. Whatever "inadequacy" Nicolosi's clients feel, I think I can look back at my multiple academic scholarships, very good grade point average, loving friends and family, and say that, "No, despite my SSA, I don't feel inadequate or insecure at all." And since Nicolosi likes to speak for all homosexuals (except lesbians, whom he ignores), I think my own experiences would disprove him right out of the gate, right?

Either way, Nicolosi's ridiculous, but if you enjoy a further demonstration of craziness (and being a fan of reality television, I always do), then I suggest you keep an eye on Throckmorton's blog and watch as he decronstructs Nicolosi (yet again). Bring out the popcorn.

"There Is Always Someone More Oppressed Than You"

2009-09-15T13:24:00.003-04:00

Perhaps this would serve as a good follow-up to the last post, in which a married man who struggles with homosexuality talked about the mistreatment he has received at the hands of other Christians. Those of us who deal with the issue of homosexuality in the church are often times too quick to point to how badly we're treated. It's definitely a problem, partly centered in reality but partly centered in pride, and one I'm all too guilty of. As Andrew Marin recently pointed out, though, there is always someone more oppressed than you. Read this story more than once as well, and leave your comments here.

Read This More Than Once

2009-08-31T15:14:00.004-04:00

Hey everyone! I have decided that Mondays are my best blogging days this year, so I hope you all make sure to stop by then! Scheduling things is becoming the norm for me this semester. I have so much to do and so little time to do it. I literally have charts that tell me when I should call my various family members, and on what days I should send e-mails to the various online friends I've made over the years. It's a little awkward to schedule social interactions like that, but between studying for the GRE, applying to grad school, planning programs for student organizations, and reading a lot of Hemingway, Stein, and Faulkner, I really have no other choice. If I don't plan out these kinds of things, they simply won't get done.

Other than being terribly busy, I don't really have much to blog about right now. I do want to write about my politics and my artistic philosophy but those will require quite a bit more effort and research on my part than the usual post. Following the interesting discussion that happened after last week's post, though, I did a little searching into heterosexually married men who still consider themselves gay (not ex-gay). I didn't have to look any further than a Christianity Today article from 2002, and it is quite heart-wrenching. Read it more than once.

There is a man who is faithful to his family, who understands what Christ can do to redeem us, what amazing joys and painful struggles can come from being obedient to Him, and who still loves His Savior with all his heart. There, also, is a man who is afraid to come out about his orientation for fear of ostracism, and this fear is not unfounded.

Why haven't I told my story to my church friends? Why is my identity anonymous? Because, despite all the claims by my heterosexual friends to "love the sinner but hate the sin," I do not trust them. I do not believe that they could know this about me and still want me to be their congregational president, their youth-group leader, their sons' coach. I wish I could believe it, but I don't. Perhaps I'm hypersensitive in not trusting, but I've overheard too many jokes, seen too many expressions of hate directed at homosexuals, to believe that these same people could be my friends if they knew.

I feel for this man deeply, and I know far too many guys personally who are in the same situation -- married or not. For the unmarried ones, it's often worse, because they can't hide behind a wife and kids, and they often have a difficult time finding a place in the church to begin with. It makes me concerned. I'm very open about my orientation here, but this is a pretty small and fairly liberal college town. What if I move to a more conservative area, and attend a church where people aren't as aware of homosexual issues? Christ alone is what satisfies and strengthens me, but like Wesley Hill states in this exceptional article, we need the full love and support of other Christians sometimes to make things easier.

And so that's the question: Do we love our neighbors as ourselves? Even those of us who deal with a homosexual orientation have to ask this question, because while we may be tolerant and open-minded about this particular issue there may be others where we treat others exactly how we don't want to be treated. As always, it's something to ponder.

"They Don't Like The Confusion"

2009-08-24T16:13:00.005-04:00

Hey everyone! It has been an incredibly long time, hasn't it? It feels that way, at least. I've been very busy with lots of RA training (yes, they do put us through way more than I think is necessary), moving the little Freshmen in (can you believe that I was one of those three years ago?), and getting back to class. I have a lot of tough courses this year but I'm going to try to blog at the beginning of each week if I can. I have a lot on my mind these days.

I recently came across this interview with Stephen Daldry, acclaimed director of such films as The Hours and The Reader. Daldry has an interesting life story and perspective (frankly, any moderately creative person does, which is why I'm a fan of reading biographies). Although previously in relationships with men, he has been married to a woman -- his best friend and fellow artist Lucy Sexton -- for the past eight years, and also has children with her. The interviewer asked about this situation and this following exchange occurred:

How long have you and Lucy been married? I ask.
"About eight years," he says.
Because you decided you wanted kids?
"Yeah," he says, and pauses only slightly before adding, "Well, you know, I mean: I'm gay."
There is no hedging with Daldry. He recently explained that yes, he does have sex with his wife, but if anyone asks, he always says he's gay because it's easier and people prefer it. "They don't like the confusion," he shrugs.
How does his wife feel about being married to a gay man? I ask.
"You'd have to ask her," he says. "But do you know what I honestly think? I think one of the great things about our marriage is, we're never going to get a divorce, and we don't have to worry about infidelity. To marry your best friend is one of the great gifts of life, and to have kids with your best friend is fantastic."

I found that to be a very unique and refreshing take on sexual identity and practice. There were some parallels, I found, with the stories of ex-gay individuals. Granted, the context is entirely different. As far as I know, Daldry never sought chastity to conform to a religious faith and sexual ethic, nor is he setting up his heterosexual marriage as an ideal that all people should shoot for -- as many ex-gays tend to do towards gay Christians (celibate or active). At the same time who -- after many years -- eventually fell in love and married a woman.

Of course, many people would just call Daldry bisexual, even though he labels himself as "gay." Just as many people would call me "gay" even though I have no intention to ever have sex with a man (and, to be fair, I really have no problem with the term "gay" being used to describe me). I've found that there is often quite a distinction between how sexuality is clinically defined and how it is defined by individuals. Yes, I think there are true homosexuals and true heterosexuals -- people who are attracted to the same sex and the opposite sex, respectively. I also believe there are true bisexuals -- people who are attracted to both sexes. But I've found that when one adds the factors of behavior and identity, then things become very complex. A person like Daldry might clinically be considered bisexual, but leads a heterosexual lifestyle, and identifies as gay.

The question, then, is are we okay with this? I'll admit I'm often very particular about labels. If I had my way, everyone would use the literal, clinical labels to describe their sexuality, and if they had any quirks (like celibacy) they could it explain it on their own afterward. I certainly think that those labels are something that shouldn't be shied away from. Identify as heterosexual or ex-gay all you want for religious reasons, but let's say you were going to take part in a clinical study that mapped the brainwaves of gay, straight, and bisexual men. I would expect you to describe yourself by the actual literal form of your attractions, not just what you think they should be. Otherwise, you'd mess up the study. That's just how I roll, at least. However, some people simply would protest to my insistence, and Stephen Daldry shows that they aren't just "confused ex-gays."

In fact, it's becoming more and more acceptable, it seems, to identify has something other than your clinical attractions. Even among my most liberal professors, some of whom are gay and lesbian themselves, LGBT students are referred to as "those who identify as _____." This implies that actual attractions or behaviors are less important than identity, and an individual's self-identification is most important. And some, like writer Camille Paglia, hate to identify at all. But this sort of postmodern approach to identity or definition is likely to only be found among academics. Most people would look at Stephen Daldry and say he's a bisexual who is currently married to a woman, while they would look at me and call me a celibate gay man.

Perhaps it is mainly the clinical bisexuals who get to play around with identity so much. Most heterosexuals wouldn't think of calling themselves anything else, nor would most homosexuals (unless they felt their faith required them to pick a new word regardless of whether or not their attractions changed one iota). This can make things rather confusing when it comes to expectations of change in the ex-gay world. If a person like Daldry can fall in love with a woman later in life simply due to sexual fluidity (and with no religious motivation), then is it really proper for married ex-gays who have experienced orientation change to credit God? Could it be possible that they were simply clinical bisexuals (whether they called themselves that or not)? This isn't meant to doubt the experiences of those who have experienced sexual fluidity at all. At the same time, it would stand to reason that it would be slightly irritating if a guy was preaching the benefits of orientation change to a 6 on the Kinsey Scale when the real cause of his "change" was bisexuality, not something that reveals anything about his spiritual state.

I'm sure this post rambled a bit, but I suppose that's what happens when one thinks about the complexities of human sexuality.

Things To Come

2009-08-03T10:27:00.004-04:00

Blogging has been going slow lately, as you have no doubt noticed. It's not that I don't have ideas, because I really do. I want to blog more about the fluidity of sexuality and how that could possibly relate to ideas of "change." But aside from SSA stuff, I also want to blog about my political philosophy (as suggested by commenter TRiG). I'm not a political science major, so many of my ideas are probably subject to change and are simply what I think works best in society as far as I know of them. I also want to write more about my artistic background and the types of music and artwork I appreciate. I've written about my appreciation of children's literature and epic literature before, so I wouldn't mind writing similar pieces about music and visual art.

But before all that, I am in RA training for the next two weeks. Lots of meetings, workshops, and team-builders, which I need to try and be chipper and happy about (that should make things go faster, right?) Then school starts, and I'm officially a senior (say what?) So the blog isn't exactly on a hiatus. If something major happens or I'm struck by a brilliant idea, I'll blog about it. Till then, there are things to come, but they just might take awhile. Peace!

Leaving Homosexuality: A Rant

2009-07-20T12:43:00.005-04:00

Although I know you expect much better, dear reader, this post will be a bit of a rant. I'm pushed for time but I just wanted to say a few things that have been bugging me about the ex-gay/SSA-struggling world.

Recently, Patrick Fitzgerald of XGW wrote a lengthy piece reviewing Alan Chambers' new book Leaving Homosexuality. I have read a few chapters of the book, and found it to pretty much be the typical Exodus routine all over again. Now, obviously, Fitzgerald and I come from very different worldviews when it comes to homosexuality. I believe active homosexual behavior is a sin, and he does not. At the same time, I pretty much have all the same problems with the book that he does.

There is a lot of double speak among ex-gay ministries, and it simply bothers me. One day, homosexual refers to an orientation. The next day, it's referred to as a behavior (even though that's a rather ridiculous definition since a gay virgin is still gay and a straight one is still straight -- Battling Christian recently wrote about this). The focus on emotional dependency is also just very bizarre. I dislike it very greatly when ex-gay ministries put out so many warning signs about "codependency" to men and women who struggle with same-sex attractions. I certainly understand that some people can become obsessive and idolatrous about their friendships. At the same time, as Fitzgerald pointed out, a lot of the "warning signs" of emotional dependency that Exodus puts out are, well, just typical loving thoughts.

What kind of friend would I be if I didn't depend on my friends? If I just said, "Well, I could take your or leave you. Your presence in my life doesn't really change anything" I would be a jerk. It seems sometimes that Exodus just doesn't allow people to have actual emotional intimacy with anyone (unless it's with a woman), and that simply bothers me. They also, despite what they say, really do see a deletion of SSA as a sign of holiness. If you're 50, chaste as a monk, but have never married and have no desires for women, you're essentially told you're settling for "second best," no matter what kind of blessings God has put into your life. It's horrendously patronizing and I really think that attitude is what leads so many guys to pursue dangerous things like reparative therapy.

I don't necessarily have time to write about all the things that are wrong with reparative therapy, but even staunch conservatives and ex-gays are starting to realize the problems with it. Here have been some good posts about the issue by Peter Ould, Warren Throckmorton, and TAG.

So, to me, that's the frustrating thing about Exodus and Leaving Homosexuality. The focus is so scattered. Politics, psychology, marriage, heterosexuality, and sex are talked about way more than Christ. The Chambers book barely had any Scriptural references. It relied on anecdotes and studies that weren't even named or referenced (frankly, there weren't even footnotes or annotations, and it was meant to be taken seriously?) Obviously, I'm not saying that these things aren't important. If someone has psychological wounds that need healing, they should get therapy. But don't assume that all SSA guys have them. If someone wants to vote Republican, let them. But don't make Proposition 8 the Gospel. If someone meets a girl and wants to get married, and is totally honest about his past and his current situation, awesome! But make sure that he knows he'll be considered a strong Christian man no matter what his marital status is. This, however, is where Exodus seems to fail. There is little nuance or recognition of the amazing diverstiy that exists among SSA people.

By making this issue so monolithic, they essentially cast aside Christians who don't fit into the mold. And those Christians aren't a fringe. There are lots of us, but when books like Leaving Homosexuality come out, it's pretty much shown that we aren't welcome. They think they have it all figured out and have no more to learn. And that, I think, is why Exodus often falls so short of their potential to actually proclaim the Gospel.

There, I Said It

2009-07-17T07:24:00.003-04:00

Okay, so it's been ages since I wrote a post. Apparently, summer courses aren't the laid-back, relaxed atmosphere I was imagining. I'm actually doing work -- a lot more work, I might add, than my usual courses during the year. I'm also doing a fair bit of work for my job as a resident assistant. To review, right now I have a 12-page paper on film noir to finish (and only two pages completed), a group project to start (and to subsequently finish), and loads of summer residents in my building to supervise as they box up, move out, and move into other buildings on campus for the fall. Bureaucracy and paperwork abounds.

Because of this, my extracurricular writing has taken a backseat. I haven't gotten to blog nearly as much as I'd like (though I do still tend to find time to get into lengthy discussions on various other blogs). I've had numerous ideas, everything as eclectic as writing about Marvel Comics' recent first on-panel kiss between two gay male superheroes (in which I would have revealed my true levels of "nerditute") to discussing my aesthetic credo when it comes to art -- specifically the human form as used in art (in other words, is it wrong for an SSA guy to see Michelangelo's David as astonishingly beautiful?) But alas, life gets in the way, and I keep on putting off my side projects.

And before you roll your eyes and click away from the screen, dear reader, I must say that do not fear. This is not one of those "this is why I haven't been blogging much recently" blog posts. I mean, okay, it started out that way, but my main intention here is to direct you to a guy who seems to actually have been able to write something of substance in the past two weeks. His name is Steve, he's a recent graduate from Wheaton College, and he has started a blog called I Like Guys (There, I Said It). That, might I add, is a pretty witty title, if only for the fact that it's exactly what every SSA person feels when he or she "comes out." Steve's first post is called "Gay at Wheaton," which pretty much tells the highlights of his story. If you're the kind of person who gets squeamish when a Christian who struggles with SSA refers to himself with the g-word (and I'll admit, I can get that way sometimes), please read the whole thing anyway. I promise it's worth it.

Plus, he gave me a shoutout. :)

Well, right now I am packing up my bags and getting ready for a four-hour drive to Charlotte for what will likely be an altogether meaningless conference for my teaching scholarship. I mean, it's meaningless in that I will likely learn nothing of substance there. However, attending is a requirement if I want to keep the $30,000 they've given me for my undergrad tuition, so I suppose there is some meaning there. Take care, guys!

A Better Way To Live

2009-07-01T22:00:00.004-04:00

I often find myself engaged in online debates and squabbles of various kinds, even though I should be studying diligently for my two literature-intensive summer courses, preparing my various graduate school applications, and taking care of various administrative errands that will make the end-of-summer checkout process a lot easier on both myself and my residents. I had one such debate recently with a conservative professor at my university. He's somewhat notorious on campus because he is essentially my college's version of Ann Coulter or Sean Hannity. He has a wide variety of Facebook friends: students, members of the community, and fans from around the country. I happen to be one of his friends. Because of the political nature of his status updates and notes, debates often spring up on his wall a lot.

One recent argument touched upon a subject relating to GLBT individuals. Often times when these kinds of debates pop up, I bring up my personal story in the briefest terms possible, just to give a little bit of background to go along with my views. Perhaps that is proud or irrelevant, but I do think that experience does help the authenticity of an argument. In the most recent debate, I used the term "personal sacrifice" when referencing the fact that I had given up romantic relationships for my faith. The professor replied with a hint of contempt, saying that following God's commandments shouldn't be viewed as sacrifice. I conceded that point. "Sacrifice" wasn't the right term. What I meant to say was that I have gone through a lot of loneliness, heartache, ostracism, and struggle that I wouldn't have to deal with if I was actively gay, instead of celibate.

Apparently even that didn't really fly with the professor, who said that "God's commandments show us a better way to live," and that if I was mourning the loss of past relationships, then I wasn't "getting it." I'd quote his comments in full, but our debate thread was deleted from his Facebook wall for some reason, so I can only paraphrase. To me, that sounded like outright prosperity Gospel, something I don't appreciate at all. I've always been under the impression that God's commandments reveal His holiness. To say that their purpose is to show us how to live a "better life" misses the point a bit. It also has other drawbacks, such as bringing up the notion that sinners suffer while the righteous prosper.

People who hold that kind of view bother me, because at best, it's inaccurate, and at worst, it gets in the way of ministry. If you go up to a non-believer and insist that, because they don't believe, that their lives are empty, their relationships are meaningless, and they aren't living the best life they could, then they're going to shut you down immediately. For one, you've assumed something about a person you don't know, which is never a good place to start a conversation. Secondly, you miss the point of the Gospel. It is not about how emotionally fulfilled we are or how happy we are in this lifetime. It's about how deeply depraved we are next to God's holiness and what Christ did to save us.

But even more specifically, that kind of comment ticks me off because it cheapens my experiences. It assumes that there is really nothing good about gay relationships. Yes, I personally believe that the sex is sinful, but that doesn't mean that the companionship, mutual care, and affection are meaningless. Heck, in some cases, those feelings can continue on even after same-sex partners decide to become chaste (as seen in this somewhat stereotypical but still moving Boston Globe article from a few years back). Love really does exist among gay people, and it would be wise for many Christians to understand that.

That kind of attitude also assumes that if a Christian is lonely or unhappy or suffering, then they're doing something wrong. They must not be keeping the commandments, because God's commandments are meant to help us live a better life! It's a modern version of the theology of Job's friends, Eliphaz, Bildad, and Zophar. This, of course, simply makes it harder for Christians who are having a hard time to get support. The fact of the matter is that sometimes being a celibate gay Christian does feel like a sacrifice, not only because one has given up something that others take for granted (romantic relationships), but because the marriage-centric church is not really good at being a place for singles, let alone GLBT ones.

Christ did indeed die to give us eternal life, but that doesn't mean that our life on this earth will necessarily be a better one. It will have a better purpose, and it will have hope beyond hope, but it might not necessarily have the trapping of earthly wealth, or even emotional fulfillment. The better a Christian realizes that, the better he or she can be there for and understand those who are hurting, whoever they may be.

Square One

2009-06-29T22:59:00.004-04:00

I have a certain desire in my life. I often try my best to think things through rationally, and I am concerned when beliefs I hold don't have a proper rational motivation. I have recently been reassessing my belief in a Calvinist interpretation of Scripture because of this. I respect Calvinism, and in many ways I think it certainly beats Wesleyan interpretations of the Bible. At the same time, I realize that my own motivations for adopting Calvinism were not really proper when I made the switch a few years ago.

The proper motivation for a belief, of course, is that it's true. This is why I'm not a fan of the prosperity Gospel that is commonly seen in American Evangelicalism. That kind of Gospel was best described by C.S. Lewis in The Screwtape Letters. "Believe this, not because it is true, but for some other reason." The implication was, of course, that the motivation for the belief can often trump the belief itself. A Christian who believes that the primary purpose of God's commandments is to show him how to live his "best life now" will tend to overlook the commands that would require some personal suffering on his part. He may genuinely believe in Jesus, but if his motivation is his own earthly benefit, he's missing the point.

My motivation for Calvinism, then, might not have been altogether proper. To a certain degree, all religious beliefs are taken on faith. The belief in some higher power is an act of faith. The belief that the God presented in Christianity is that higher power is another act of faith. The belief that the Bible is the inerrant word of that God is an even further act of faith. Orthodox theological positions can then extend from this faith, and they must be reached rationally.

One should believe in Calvinist or Wesleyan theology not because of faith, but because they logically see the Bible as proclaiming the tenets of that particular theological system. This requires a lot of devoted reason and study, which sadly is something that many Christians don't have. They either don't know anything about theology, or they simply ascribe to the tenets of the denomination they were raised in strictly because they were raised in it.

Needless to say, the origins of my Calvinist beliefs didn't really spring from rational study of God's word. They originated more from personal flaws of mine, including the desire to be "different." Looking back at the post I wrote that announced my "conversion," I realize that I based the decision on an impulsive emotional whim. It certainly didn't come from any kind of rational study, and to be honest, I think I just wanted to stand out a bit more in my mostly Wesleyan Christian circle. I suppose it was an act of rebellion.

Now, it should be noted that I respect TULIP and other forms of Calvinism. I'm not even saying that I don't believe it. I'm just saying that if I do believe it, my foundation isn't secure, and I need to work on that. My faith in Christ is absolutely secure. I believe in Him and I don't see any signs of wavering. I simply don't want to say that I am definitely a Calvinist (or definitely not one) until I have had the opportunity to study the Bible on my own and without the outside influences of culture or tradition. If it does turn out that I go Wesleyan (or go back, since I was raised Methodist), I hope none of my Reformed readers will hate me. ;-)

Beliefs held because of prejudices, backgrounds, or personal flaws are not properly motivated beliefs, even if they are true. I just want to make sure that I am strong and secure in the things I believe, and that means I must start from square one sometimes to build beliefs that were previously held for emotional, illogical, and wrong reasons.

Alone

2009-06-16T22:18:00.008-04:00

Loneliness is among the most universal of human experiences, but sometimes I wonder if those who say they are lonely are really understanding the term. Certainly each individual's point of view is to be respected, but sometimes I wonder if some individuals who claim to be dealing with loneliness really are not just suffering from boredom.

For me, loneliness is that horrible feeling of not being cared for. That's very distinct (and much worse) than simply being in your apartment alone without much to do. The fact of the matter is that, even when I am alone, I am confident in my knowledge that I am loved and cared for by my family, friends, and most importantly, God. It is this confidence that, to me, is the distinction between loneliness and the state of being alone.

Now, that kind of confidence has a rational basis. Love needs to be affirmed. To paraphrase Ursula Le Guin, love does not just sit there like a stone. It has to be made and re-made often, with actual actions to express it. Otherwise, it is simply an empty four-letter word.

Now, I think to be shown that you are loved is an important thing. However, I think different people can go for different amounts of time between such affirmations. Personally, I can go for rather long periods of time by myself without feeling particularly lonely. To be honest, I am not quite sure what the reasons for this are.

Perhaps it has to do with the quality of the interactions, few and far between as they are. For instance, I only get to talk to my brother once a week, sometimes even less than that. He is, after all, a very busy father, husband, and school principal. However, our brief conversations are enough to reassure me that he loves me (and I hope the same works in reverse).

Perhaps a part of the reason that I do well without much social interaction is because I see most types of interaction as fluff. I have little tolerance for small talk, and I can't say I am very drawn to parties. For my interactions, I prefer personal, deep, intelligent conversations with only a handful of people.

Maybe, then, this is why I am able to deal well with being alone. I don't give much of my time to trivial social interactions that don't do anything for me, and instead I work on my studies and my various academic and creative pursuits (one of which is this blog).

This is not to say that I never get lonely, but it's happening less and less. Everyone has different levels of what they need from others. Since, at this stage of my life, I seem to need relatively little, it gives me more opportunities to show other people they are cared for, so they don't experience loneliness themselves.

Mannerisms

2009-06-03T23:33:00.002-04:00

I’ve had a few conversations with friends recently about how guys who deal with homosexuality also need to deal – one way or another – with their mannerisms. That is to say, those who struggle with this issue who also have “stereotypically gay” mannerisms have to make a decision about whether or not these are things they’d want to change, or if they are inconsequential to their spiritual growth as men. Like it or not, if you live in a conservative area and tend to set off people’s “gaydar” because of the way you sit, talk, or carry yourself, it’s going to be something you’re going to have to deal with, and you can choose to either conform and try to act more “manly,” or you can make a reasonable case that just because you act a little more “prim” than the average guy, doesn’t mean that you’re less of a man, Biblically.

I do believe that the Bible presents directions on how to be men and how to be women. I think men and women have unique – but equally important and respectable – roles within the church and family. Actually, after a quick search I found this pretty general resource about the characteristics that the Bible emphasizes for men. They’re pretty standard: men provide and protect, men are spiritual leaders, men should be loving husbands (if they marry), and men should be righteous. There are plenty of verses to support this, but you’ll find that not one of them says, “Men should like football” or “Men should have firm handshakes.”

Before I get ahead of myself, I’ll say that this post isn’t really about homosexuality. I know really stereotypically “macho” gay guys and very “feminine” straight men. The only way this relates to people who struggle with homosexuality is that many gay men and women are stereotyped to have the mannerisms usually reserved for the opposite sex. Still, heterosexuals can be pressured to conform to the “standard” mannerisms for their gender as well.

And generally, I find that wrong. I mean, surely it’s important for people to be able to have healthy relationships with people of the same sex. But I’ve often found that I get along best with guys when I’m being myself, even if “myself” is someone who has a little more “sugar in their step” as the Southern saying goes. I think the guys I know appreciate authenticity. I’m not very authentic when I try to walk with a “manly swagger” or talk about sports like I give two cents. I end up looking like that ridiculous scene between Robin Williams and Nathan Lane in The Birdcage. Williams tries to teach Lane how to “be a man,” and it doesn’t turn out well. The fact of the matter is I’m an English major who uses big words when I talk, has a high-pitched voice, has a little more poise when sitting or standing, and uses hands during expression very profusely.

And exactly when did things like that make one more “feminine”? I’m not going to say that notions of masculinity and femininity are purely social constructs. If you take the Bible to be revealed truth, then they certainly aren’t. At the same time, Biblical masculinity and femininity focuses more on what’s inside – what one’s spiritual state is and what role one is. It doesn’t really focus on outward trivialities. The closest you could come to that is when it says for women to dress modestly, and that has more to do with helping men not stumble with their eyes.

The things culture defines as a “masculine mannerism” or “feminine mannerism” changes with both time and geographic locations. Men in other countries can kiss and hold hands walking down the street. Men used to wear lace, stockings, and powdered wigs without anyone thinking less of it. Now I’m not trying to say a guy should wear a pink sequined top and makeup and expect to be totally accepted by society or by the church. But there’s a difference in ostentatiously trying to push the boundaries between genders and just being someone who has a natural “femininity” to them. I personally think that the church can use guys who, though righteous leaders, are gentler, more nurturing, more energetic… and know how to dress, decorate a room, and put on a musical number.

Okay, I apologize for the stereotypical humor in that last bit. Take care, everyone!

Battling Homophobia

2009-05-26T21:16:00.003-04:00

So, recently I bought "The Unlikely Disciple" by Kevin Roose. It's a memoir about Roose's time at Liberty University (I'm sure those who go or have gone to Liberty have heard about it). Roose was a Brown University student who decided that he wanted to learn more about his evangelical peers, and he took a semester to attend Liberty. Although not a Christian himself, Roose was very open-minded and balanced about his fellow Liberty classmates. In fact, I could relate to a lot of the book. Even though I was a Christian, when I came to college and saw kids who were much more skilled at evangelical culture, I experienced similar kinds of culture shock.

One of the most difficult things Roose deals with on Liberty's campus is the homophobia that exists amongst his male classmates and roommates. He attributes this to their Christian upbringing, though I think that if you observed any group of secular state college guys, you'd find similar usage of words like "queer," "faggot" and "gaywad." Unfortunately, you'd also see that kind of thing among the Christian guys, too.

One particular line from Roose's roommate (who he admits is more extreme than the Liberty norm) was really awful. After a conversation about how weird it would be to be flirted on by a gay man, his roommate said, "I hate faggots. If something like that happened to me, I would do something about it. I would snap somebody's neck."

Now, I've never experienced homophobia like that, but I've experienced plenty of the so called "innocent" slurs used by lots of guys nowadays. One thing that I've been thinking about recently is that--as a guy who struggles with SSA, what can I do to speak out against this kind of stuff? In a perfect world, whenever I'd hear something homophobic from a guy--especially a Christian guy, who should know better--I'd speak up, explain my experience, and explain why words and phrases and attitudes like that are harmful.

Obviously, that's easier said than done. Like any person I can be very afraid of backlash, and that can sometimes keep me from doing what is right. Even though I'm very open about my SSA--most of my friends know about both my orientation and my religious beliefs about it--it's hard to speak up when they say something hurtful. I don't want to be seen as "over-sensitive" or a buzzkill. And yet, something needs to be done. These kinds of comments and attitudes can't be allowed to continue, especially among Christians.

Gay men and women know the hypocrisy when Christians say that they love them but turn around and make homophobic comments. I think guys like us, who struggle with SSA, can be some of the best people to bridge the gap and stop the hatred, but we first have to be open about our stories, and we have to be brave enough to speak out. I'm not so good at either, all the time, but I'm learning.

Necessity

2009-05-25T22:14:00.003-04:00

Hello. It's been awhile since I wrote last, but things have been going well. I turned 21 recently, and though I didn't have a party (I'm not a party person), but several friends did take me to various restaurants, and even to a movie, so all in all it's been a good week. I even got to see my mom, aunt, and grandma, which was really cool.

One thing that I've been meaning to write for awhile is how friendships and relationships factor into my struggle with homosexuality. I know for many men who struggle, relationships with straight men seem to be the most helpful when it comes to dealing with emotional wounds and scars. I don't know about women who struggle that much, but I know men view deep friendships with other men as a necessity.

The reason for this is often because men who struggle with homosexuality perceive an inability within themselves to relate to people of the same sex in a non-sexual way. This is usually related to theories about causation, in which a childhood need for affirmation or understanding by same-sex role models and peers was not met. As I've said before, I don't fit that model.

However, just because I have never viewed my masculinity as "less than" other men (despite my rather feminine mannerisms), does not mean that there are not certain types of relationships that I view as somewhat of a necessity.

I have strong bonds with my father, brother, and male friends. Many times, bonds with straight male friends really help my struggle, but it's not because they affirm my masculinity. They are special because we are different. When a "macho," athletic, "man's man" can be good friends with a more "femme," artistic, same-sex attracted guy, I simply find that cool.

It's the diversity and open-mindedness in these friendships that I find to be a necessity. When someone from a completely different background and experience wants to set aside differences and look for common ground, that's what I find to be awesome. That's why I like to get to know people of different ages and backgrounds. If someone like me can be friends with a conservative Christian mom from California, anything is possible.

And that's partly what the Church is about, isn't it? It's made up of folks from every nation, every language, every age, every background, and yes, every degree of sexual brokenness. And yet, we are all bonded together by the One who saves, and we are supposed to bond in other ways, not just hang out with folks of our own demographic.

So those are the relationships that I see as a necessity: friendships that are diverse. Straight guys, straight women, old people, young people, etc. I want to build relationships with all of them. I know I'll have all eternity, but I might as well start now.

Around The Block

2009-05-13T12:19:00.006-04:00

In an effort to post a little more frequently, and to also share my thoughts on some interesting items without having to write essay-length posts about them, I've decided that every now and then I'll just compile whatever I've found interesting into an "around the block" blog post. Discussions on any or all of the items are encouraged, of course. So here's what I've been looking at over the past few days:

>> Reformed blogger Frank Turk has some very well-reasoned thoughts about the ridiculousness of the whole Miss California affair. Warren Throckmorton also reports on Carrie Prejean's troubles. There's an interesting discussion after that one, which also brings up the current scandal at Throckmorton's own Grove City College. Throckmorton obviously cannot comment about students or faculty at his institution, but a fascinating discussion has sprung up among the commenters.

>> Speaking of Warren Throckmorton, here he notes a great article about the growing awareness of the inadequacy of reparative drive theory. Peter Ould also has some thoughts about it. Like I said recently, for same-sex attracted folks, our world isn't going to turn upside down if it is revealed that most of us are born this way. I'm not saying we are, but we need not be afraid of science that says we could be. Nor do we need to cling to things like reparative drive theory as they become more and more discredited. Dealing with emotional wounds is one thing; expecting that to change one's SSA is another.

>> Blogger Micah Tarter has an interesting perspective on abstinence. This quote was particularly striking: "I love you so much that I am willing to never touch you. My love for you is so great that if I could never kiss you, I would still love you." Obviously, he's not saying that he's looking for an asexual relationship. He's saying that if you could never touch someone, and yet loved them just the same, then that's real love. Sadly, I don't think it's a love most people ever experience. I certainly have yet to. (Hat tip: Frank Turk).

>> Justin Taylor summarizes this excellent, excellent talk by Russell Moore about the spiritual dangers of the intersection of politics and Christ (and why many put more hope in the former than the latter).

>> Ex-Gay Watch notices the distinction between orientation and paraphilia, which is often lost on conservatives. Even if one believes homosexual behavior to be a sin, these are important things to keep in mind when reaching out to SSA folks. Proper scientific terminology is not an enemy, here.

>> Karen Keen of Pursue God is leading a series of "book club" discussions about Andrew Marin's recent book Love is an Orientation. The first two chapters are currently being discussed. I have yet to get my hands on the book, but I hope to over the summer.

>> Frequent commenter A. Friend (Christian SSA struggler from Trinidad) notes a recent commercial featuring a gay male character and the changing attitudes towards homosexuals in the Caribbean. It is fascinating to hear about how people deal with this issue in other cultures.

>> Rik Fleming has a rather poignant post about the ways in which SSA folks can become overly fixated on this particular struggle. I'll be honest; it hits home.

>> Pianist Jon Schmidt arranges a great mash-up of two unlikely songs. Being a fan of both pop music and more classical arrangements, I really like this.

And that's it for me. Hope life's going well for everyone! If any links bring a discussion to mind, by all means, go for it!

Boldly Going Where This Blog Has Never Gone Before

2009-05-10T07:05:00.007-04:00

Like what I did with the blog title, there? I could not really resist. Granted, this is not my first movie review. I wrote one way back in 2007 for the substandard The Golden Compass. I like to review movies, though, and I have a lot to say about Star Trek.

I have never been a big Star Trek fan, though I've always had an appreciation for the show. I remember watching reruns of the original show when I came home from middle school every afternoon. I think I probably saw most episodes of the original series, and I watched plenty of The Next Generation, Deep Space Nine, and Voyager with my brother, who was definitely one of the more hardcore fans (not hardcore enough to dress up like a Klingon and go to conventions, but hardcore enough to know much more about the story and characters than I do).

I have to say, even though I had a certain nostalgic appreciation for Star Trek as a kid, I was not too optimistic about the movie when I went on opening night with a few friends. Summer blockbusters tend to be a disappointment. X-Men Origins: Wolverine, for example, had been solid for about the first twenty minutes, and that was it (though Hugh Jackman did what he could to save it throughout). That particular movie suffered from being poorly acted (by all save Jackman), and cluttered with too many plot twists and characters. Plus, I am a big fan of the X-Men franchise and my comic book knowledge helped me understand a lot of the things that my non-fan friends didn't understand. Since I'm only a casual Star Trek fan, I was worried that the movie would make me lost.

Spoiler-free Review: But oh, it didn't. To put things simply and not give away any of the plot, I have to say that Star Trek is one of the most solid movies to come out in recent years. It takes the summer action/adventure genre, which has been getting quite overworked in recent years, and makes it work properly again. The story is simple and streamlined, yet at the same time strong and interesting. The script is fantastic, mostly in its ability to give the actors freedom to play their iconic characters with both reverence and freshness. The actors also need to be commended for inhabiting their characters beautifully. There's a lot to live up to there, and I can't think of a single actor who doesn't do justice to their source material. In essence, it's just a good movie, and I dare someone to go to it and leave without smiling. It doesn't reinvent the wheel in terms of a good science fiction film, but it drives the car masterfully (we'll see if that analogy works). Oh, and any fan of J.J. Abrams is in for a treat, because he includes just as many easter eggs and homages, which are his claim to fame in Lost.

Spoiler Review: Star Trek is a re-imagining of the original series, and it also somewhat re-boots the continuity. Some people have complained that it neglects the canon, but the way I see it, it just creates an alternate reality. The canon is mentioned and respected, and it does have a big impact on the film. Maybe some of the hardcore fans won't like what it does to the sacred timeline of the original shows, but I think the fact that it's a re-boot really helps the film appeal to a wider audience. Yes, there are multiple homages and references, and some of them I didn't get even though I watched most of the original series (but I know other members of the audience got because of their laughs or applause). Still, the references didn't get in the way of the movie. They enhanced it if you knew them, but they flowed seamlessly into the script if you didn't.

In fact, one could say that the movie itself didn't get in the way of the movie (which is one of those phrases Roger Ebert uses a lot). The storyline is rather simple compared to the overcomplicated plots of many blockbusters. Okay, there's time travel involved, and an alternate reality, and perhaps even a causality loop, now that I think of it. But that's science fiction for you. There's some technical jargon thrown around, and you either get it or you don't. Either way, you move on and enjoy the movie (although I agree with Dan Phillips that poor Roger Ebert likely has not enjoyed a science fiction movie for awhile). It's a thoroughly enjoyable movie even without the paradoxes. Simply put: there's an angry Romulan named Nero (Eric Bana) who is at war with the Federation, specifically a younger version of the Enterprise crew.

That crew, by the way, is extremely well-acted. The group of relative unknowns not only look like their 1960's counterparts, they act like them as well, simply in a more contemporary way. I'd say it's a product of great casting coupled with great acting. Simon Pegg in particular provides great comic relief with Scotty, but really, there's one actor who steals the show, and that's Zachary Quinto in his first film role as the young Spock. Quinto has amazing range as a television actor, whether it's on 24 or Heroes or that short-lived VH1 sitcom So Notorious (where he and TV veteran Loni Anderson were pretty much the only good things to see). He has striking features that only further his portrayal of Spock, but he also brings a sense of intellect, poise, and even emotional depth to the Vulcan. There is a scene later in the film where he comes face-to-face with Leonard Nimoy, playing an aged Spock, and it's 100% believable that the two men are merely younger and older versions of the same man.

So, that's my review. If you need any further proof that it's a good movie, Nimoy's involvement should be enough. He makes more than a mere cameo; he becomes a main character of the film after his introduction. He has turned down numerous opportunities to reprise the role of Spock in film and TV over the years, but said that the quality of this film's script got him to put the ears back on, so to speak. If it's good enough for him, it should be good enough for you.

Live long and prosper. :)

Choice

2009-04-30T14:59:00.003-04:00

I'm a big fan of pop culture. I enjoy television, film, music, and the stage, and I know lots of random bits of trivia. Naturally, I heard the news that the iconic actress Bea Arthur (1922-2009) passed away recently. She was an impeccable actress, and deserving of all the praise that she's been given recently on entertainment blog tributes and the like.

At the same time, there's one thing she's been praised for recently that's been rather distressing, and that's for the controversial role she played on the 1970's sitcom Maude. It's not that she didn't play that role well; she was a great actress, and she did. I suppose what distresses me is the role itself, and for the controversial story arc it had in its first season in which the title character, Maude Findlay, has an abortion. Many tributes have called that storyline--and all those who were involved in it--"courageous" and "visionary" (it aired before Roe vs. Wade). Being a fan of the show's creator Norman Lear (especially All in the Family), I was aware of that storyline for a while. While I appreciate his ability to bring social issues into sitcoms in a way that wasn't cheesy, that particular storyline just always bothers me.

What bothers me about it is that the character of Maude was not the type of woman whom we usually hear about when pro-choice advocates campaign for the right to choose. She wasn't a rape victim, nor was she a poor teenage mother with her "whole life ahead of her." There was no clearly defined risk to her life, other than the fact that she was 47. She was a professional, with the means and ability to raise a child. She just didn't want to. Throughout the episodes (and granted, it has been a while since I've seen them), the main reasoning put forth for Maude to terminate her pregnancy was that she was too old. Her child would be younger than his/her nephew, she had gray hair, she was too old to go through the process of raising a child. In other words, it just didn't fit into her plans.

I'm glad my mother, who was only two years younger than Arthur's character, didn't feel that way about me. Yes, there was a lot of risk for a 45-year-old woman (who also had gray hair by that point) to have a child. Her previous two pregnancies with my brother and sister had had their own complications, and they had been almost a decade previous. If, say, my mother and father had gotten married in their 20s instead of their 30s, and had had a child then, I could have very easily been an uncle who would be younger than a niece or nephew. That would have been awkward and not the "normal family" that many people aspire to. I also might not have been a "normal child." I had a 25-30% chance of having Down's syndrome.

But despite all these things, my mother made the choice to give me the chance at life. She was encouraged by some not to, for many of the same reasons that Maude was. Yes, it's been odd having parents who are old enough to be my grandparents. Yes, I'm very lucky that my mom got through her pregnancy okay and that I didn't have any abnormalities. But at least she took the risk. Life may have gone on okay without me--just as it did for Maude and her family for the remainder of the classic TV series--but I wouldn't have been here for it.

And that's the main thing I don't understand about pro-choice advocates. Many don't seem to recognize that it's a life that's being snuffed out. But it is. If my mother had made the opposite choice than she made, I wouldn't be here. Everything I've experienced and written and seen and loved would be gone. Non-existent. That's why I can't understand why some people call the decision to terminate a pregnancy "courageous."

Isn't courage doing something which might end up costing you greatly? Isn't it courage to have a child even if you don't have any money, or even if it was conceived in an awful manner such as rape? Isn't it courage to face the risks of a late pregnancy? I'm not a woman, so in many ways I don't know, but at the same time, I feel that if I was, I would risk my own life so that I could give a child a chance at one. That's why I can never see the right to choose an abortion as anything other than an easy way out. I can sympathize with the emotions of those who would choose such a thing, but I simply can't understand why they'd make that choice.

Born That Way

2009-04-26T16:23:00.006-04:00

The recent controversy surrounding a reparative therapy conference in London got me thinking about the dividing concept of whether or not homosexuals (active or not) are "born that way." This isn't going to be a post about the scientific validity of that concept. Personally, I think it can be quite valid in many cases, and I suggest the writings of Dr. Warren Throckmorton if you want a very balanced scientific and cultural view of the controversy. My interest, however, is less about the hard facts but more about the attitudes that I've observed many SSA men and women seem to take to the idea that they, indeed, may have been "born that way."

It's a rather odd subject, really. If I had to sum it up easily, I think I'd say that the majority of SSA men and women I've met and observed have a strong aversion to the idea that they were born with gay feelings. This isn't because they simply disagree with the research done about it, either. To me, it seems like there's this idea that, if you're "born gay," then it's immutable and you can't change it and you might as well go and "life the lifestyle." Likewise, if environmental factors cause SSA, then it's mutable and you can go through a 12-step process and change it or something. I know that's quite a generalization, but those are the two more prevalent lines of thinking that I've seen. I find them really odd, firstly because biology doesn't necessarily equate to immutability, nor does environment equate to mutability.

Many Christians have speculated over the years that even if a "gay gene" was found (and this is a very simplistic view, since biological causes don't automatically have to be genetic), then the Christian position on homosexuality wouldn't change. This is true. We're born into sinful natures and none of us get to pick and choose which temptations we deal with, nor do we get to choose how firmly rooted they are, or how long we may have to deal with them. However, the same Christians who state that correct theological position often go to great lengths to say that homosexuality is not biological, and they seem to usually do it out of the presupposition that dealing with past wounds will "cure" homosexuality.

Now, before I go any further, I'll say that I have no problem with someone who wants to deal with childhood hurts or abuses. I have nothing but respect for them and I wish them the best of luck. What concerns me is that these things are being dealt with not because the individual wants to become a healthier adult, but because he or she wants to live up to the American Christian expectation of a spouse and children. To be fair, I'm not saying that it's all about keeping up appearances. Many people can't imagine themselves being happy unless they're normal. I certainly know all about that.

But don't we sell ourselves short if we only see what everyone else has as our ultimate goal? I know celibacy is difficult, but it's not a death sentence nor is it a proclamation that you're going to be lonely and miserable. It all depends on what you make of it. The main problem I see with people who react very negatively against the "born that way" concept is that they want too much control. If you think that your SSA came from environmental factors, then you at least have the luxury of being able to think of ways to deal with those factors and change your feelings (even though the evidence for that is shaky at best).

You can't do anything to deal with possible gene sequences or hormonal levels in your mother's womb, though. You have to just be content with dealing with temptations day by day, and maybe developing an honest, trusting, respectful relationship with someone you might call your wife or husband one day. An unconventional relationship, maybe. They may be the only person you're attracted to, and it may take time and patience, and it might not be a good idea at all and you might have to deal with being celibate and content in that way. Still, I find that option to be a much healthier one than spending extraordinary amounts of time, combing through childhood memories looking for the slightest hurt, just to rationalize away the concept that you might be born that way.

Personally, I do think that my SSA is more biological. I don't have any major childhood traumas (thank the Lord). My father and brother gave me a great sense of masculinity growing up. I have always got on well with men even though I was a bit of a "geek" in school. I was athletic in high school and even today guys are whom I prefer to hang around. I'm still attracted to men, though. That's okay with me. I've dealt with the issues and I'm okay with saying that if I was born to fulfill a celibate role in the Church, then God's will be done. I really am fine with it, despite the difficulties. And I really hope that all Christians struggling with SSA, even if they pursue change and are avoiding of the idea that they might have been born that way, can get to a place where they can be content with the concept that they might be celibate, single, and SSA for the rest of their lives. It shouldn't be a mark of shame, since all Christians deal with something till their dying day. After all, we're all born that way.

Let Us Rejoice

2009-04-16T12:07:00.004-04:00

This past Sunday was Easter, a day of ultimate rejoicing, a day that celebrates the risen Lord Jesus Christ. Forget Thanksgiving; of all days that was the day to remember all that we have to be thankful for. It was a day to remember the most important thing, really. Something that we should be reminded of, well, every day. Unfortunately, we often don't. We forget to rejoice as much on in other 364 days of the year, which is odd, seeing as Easter is an symbolic celebration on Christ's resurrection; it's not like it's an actual anniversary of a recorded date.

It's so easy to get bogged down with the world. Whether they are things like jobs, school, or even our friends and family, sometimes we get so preoccupied with them that we forget to simply rejoice in the fact that Christ suffered, died, and was resurrected. Since that's largely the foundation of our faith, it's odd that people forget to rejoice in it so often (and you guys should know by now that when I say "people" on this blog, I pretty much mean "me").

But I think the problem goes deeper than that. I think we often have a hard time rejoicing in the ordinary, everyday gifts. I know I just said that we often get bogged down in jobs, school, and social lives, and that's true, but I did not mean those things were bad, only that we often don't realize how wonderful they are and how God has blessed us with them. They become routine and stale when we should always be on the lookout for why God has put us where we are and what we can do to fulfill His purposes in the context of our everyday lives.

The pastor at my church recently preached on this, using Psalm 118:24 as an example. I've always liked that verse, and it's one that I try to pray at the start of each day. No matter what kind of wretched stuff can be going on in our life, at the end of the day, every second we have is a gift from God, one that we should rejoice in. Yes, bad stuff happens and we may not be perky or optimistic all the time (Lord knows I'm not), but there is visible good to be found in almost every situation, and even in the tragedies where there is no visible good, we at least have the knowledge that God is in control and that life will go on. My family has been going through very difficult times right about now, and this has given comfort to me. It's not the cliched "it's just God's plan" explanation of crisis (though admittedly it sounds that way). For me, it's more like realizing that even in the blackest situations there are rays of hope, and those simple rays are something to rejoice in.

Do Unto Others

2009-04-10T10:40:00.002-04:00

April 17th is National Day of Silence, an event that encourages students across the country to remain silent in respect for those who have suffered bullying. Specifically, the event raises awareness for the violence that GLBT students face every day. No matter what your beliefs about homosexual behavior are, this violence is not mere propaganda. I witnessed it firsthand going through school, and the threat of it was what made me—and no doubt countless others—completely silent about my orientation or struggle, whatever you’d like to call it.

Now, a lot of Christians are not supportive of the Day of Silence. For some reason that I really can’t comprehend, they think that raising awareness about school violence perpetrated against gays and lesbians is equivalent to supporting gay and lesbian sexual behavior, which many (including myself) find sinful. I really don’t understand this at all. Sure, the advocacy groups that promote Day of Silence probably don’t like my views on God’s sexual laws.

Heck, I’m sure some people probably don’t think someone like me has the right to speak up against anti-gay violence. I think a liberal commenter on another blog once said I was “worthless” to that cause because of my conservative opinions. But I personally don’t care. This isn’t about what goes on in the bedroom; that’s another debate for another day. This is about what goes on in the classroom, the hallway, and the cafeteria, and I think everyone, no matter what their religious beliefs, can say, “Hey, no one deserves to live in fear in school.”

As an aside, I don’t think attaching yourself to an event makes you 100% supportive of everything those who created the event stand for. I remember when a Roman Catholic student group had a Day of Silence on campus to raise awareness for children killed in abortions. Many Baptist, Methodist, and even a few agnostic pro-life students participated. Surely they had major doctrinal differences, but they didn’t throw “the baby out with the bathwater,” as the saying goes. I think this situation is somewhat similar.

Now, others have criticized the Day of Silence because it focuses on anti-gay bullying alone, when bullying is a much bigger issue. I agree, but honestly, I think a lot of bullying in schools does have its roots homophobia or gender norms. It’s the small guy that can’t catch a ball that’s picked on. It’s the girl with a less feminine figure. The primary negative term that kids are called these days is the f-word. I’ve lived through that, and I’ve worked with kids for the past two summers and during the year. Trust me, I know.

Still, I can understand those who think that Day of Silence is too narrow—or whose conservative religious beliefs keep them from attaching themselves from an event that’s promoted by gay advocacy groups. That’s why I’m glad there is a response in the form of the Golden Rule Pledge.

There should be no agenda there on the part of the student; just a simple response to others saying that you’re going to treat another person the way you would want to be treated. To me, that goes beyond anti-bullying. That says, “Hey, I’m going to listen to you, even if I don’t quite understand where you’re coming from.” It says, “Hey, I’m going to reach out to you with the Gospel, because that’s my job as a Christian and the ultimate way to love another person.” It says, “Hey, I’m going to be humble and merciful and not attack you or anyone else—verbally or physically—because that’s simply not the right way to treat people.” To me, I think that pretty much sums up the Christian response to GLBT people. One that’s compassionate and truthful, and also takes the time to do that almost impossible (but necessary) task of putting oneself in another person’s shoes, if only for a moment.

Reading

2009-04-03T15:05:00.004-04:00

School has been rather stressful recently. I love when people say things like "the year is winding down" when it really just means that professors are assigning their massive "grand finale" assignments. Yes, even though English majors don't have to take final exams exactly, we still have to turn in giant research papers. Seeing as I'm in about five English classes at once this semester, that means that I'll be up to my ears in books and essays for the next few weeks, trying to get everything together and streamlined into presentable papers.

Now, this isn't as horrible as it sounds. I love reading, and I love writing, and I'm even starting to get a certain fondness for the critical essays and approaches to literature that I used to abhor. I still do hate doing them, especially for works that I really don't enjoy (I've had to read Little Women this semester, for example). However, I am coming to terms with a certain appreciation of the talent and observation it takes to make connections between a variety of texts, forging something new and cohesive out of works that are old and separate. Still, that's time-consuming work, and as much as I enjoy reading, sometimes I feel like there just isn't enough time to read everything I want to.

High on that list of things I want to read is the Bible, of course. Granted, between all my study over the years, I've probably read the vast majority of it. Still, I want to read it straight through, to get a better understanding of its narrative and how it works together. More than that, I want to get better at doing my daily Bible study. I think most days I do read a Bible chapter or two, but still, I don't feel that I'm really interacting with the Scriptures enough. This is what should sustain and guide me, after all, and I know that when I do have a more solid routine of daily times of quiet reflection, things in life tend to go quite a bit better. I can't rely on weekly Bible study meetings and whatever the pastor decides to preach on Sundays (although both of those are good things). The Bible is right there on the shelf, waiting to be read.

So are the rest of my books, for that matter, and I do intend to read them all. In fact, when I imagine myself in old age (scary thought, but I do), I see a warm, friendly office and library with walls and walls of old, worn, well-read books of all types. I get a great pleasure out of reading and it's a shame that more people don't. However, most books are only read once or twice. I would hope that my Bible is read countless times throughout life, and more than being read, I hope that it would be understood and actually make impact.

Epic

2009-03-23T13:20:00.004-04:00

Recently, several friends (both online and in person) watched the finale of Battlestar Galactica, a show that I've heard was a landmark achievement not only for science fiction as a genre, but for television dramas in general. Its popularity among critics no doubt rests on the fact that, unlike many science-fiction shows, it tells one over-arching story instead of relying on situational narratives. Those types of epic narratives are usually breathtaking, and, like a good novel (or series of novels) they give fans the chance to really interact with the story, figuring out secrets and plotlines and picking up on clues that the writers leave scattered about like gems.

Now, you can tell that I really appreciate this type of storytelling. I haven't seen Battlestar Galactica because I did not want to jump into a story in its last season (which is when I realized that I had been missing out). I intend to get the DVDs and watch them this summer, and even though I've already been spoiled to a certain extent (you couldn't go anywhere online without being told who the Final Cylon was, for example), I don't want to be spoiled too much, so keep that in mind in the comments.

One of the reasons I think Battlestar looks like such an amazing show is because it is character-driven (as this promo and this series of promos, all expertly produced, show). Instead of focusing on dogfights or alien races, the show makes a point to be about various interesting and psychologically-complex characters going through a series of fantastic events. That, I think, is good storytelling. I think that often, fantasy and sci-fi works can get bogged down in the ins and outs of their respective worlds. THey lose their characters, in a sense, which should be the focus of any story.

I feel that having a character-driven epic is one of the most difficult types of fiction to write. Not only do you have to build this fantastic world and people it with a large cast of characters, but you also have to make the characters deep and psychologically-interesting. That's hard enough to do when you're just writing a short realistic fiction piece with only one or two characters, so the fantasy epic is quite the feat.

It's also something that I think every mildly ambitious writer (myself included) wants to do, whether they admit to it or not. Whether they are in film or in novel form, people just tend to respond to these types of epic stories. They are often what lasts in terms of staying in a cultural consciousness. The sheer scale of them just does something to people, but only if they are done in a way that talks about people and their relationships with one another more than swords or spaceships.

Connectivity

2009-03-15T20:31:00.005-04:00

I did not realize until today that it had been three weeks since I last wrote a blog post. Granted, this doesn't mean I haven't been online. I have been keeping track of the controversy regarding Exodus' involvement in a conference in Uganda and Alan Chambers' rather misguided comments about spinsters living together. I just haven't felt too much need to write a post about either, especially when so many other fantastic bloggers have been.

In general, I am finding that the Internet -- and blogging in particular -- is a bit of a double-edged sword. On the one hand, I have encountered great and encouraging people whose stories and words of wisdom have greatly affected my life. Even better, I have been able to interact with these folks. It's not like I'm just reading an editorial column or a novel. I can do more than just write a letter and hope that I get a response. I can comment and argue with the author right then and there. In some cases, I can chat with them and e-mail personally, and it makes for a rather unique connection with an individual whom, unlike most people I know in the offline world, I did not go to school with, live with, or work with.

The downside is that I say I "know" the folks that I've built online connections with, but I'm not quite sure I do. People who have made these kinds of connections with me are probably aware that I am rather mistrustful of online friendships, despite being in several. Part of this has to do with the obvious difficulties of getting across tone and authenticity through writing, which is a skill that most people don't even have really in part (and I include myself in that). Another part of it has to do with my perceived necessity to see, touch, and hear someone in order to say I've built a relationship with them. Even though the readers of my blog know more about me objectively (in terms of my views and experiences), I just have a feeling that if they just had a twenty-minute conversation with me over coffee, they would know so much more even if I couldn't get into all the hard details.

That being said, I think an online connection with another person can be a valuable relationship, but it has to be approached in a different manner than a regular friendship. What this manner entails, I'm not quite sure. I do think that it's awesome that I've met so many diverse individuals. Where else would an extremely conservative Christian single mom from San Diego and a gay atheist from Ireland talk to me at once? But I also think that it would be better if I could sit down with individuals like this and have our arguments in person. After all, anonymity makes people bolder, and respect and grace are often lost in the competition to prove oneself correct. I am far too guilty of this myself.

So what do you guys think of this relatively recent phenomenon of online connectivity? I'm looking at it from a particularly Christian perspective, because I'm not sure how one can experience fellowship with folks online. But I'd be interested just to hear what anyone who has made friends over the Internet has to say.

The Opposite Sex

2009-02-21T16:42:00.003-05:00

Karen just posted a great blog post entitled "Kissing Boys," analyzing her relations with the opposite sex. It's really interesting to hear the perspective of anyone in this regard, but it's also interesting to hear the perspective of an SSA woman. There's already an interesting comment conversation going on for the post, and I've already contributed. This blog post is basically a modification of the comments I've already made there, detailing my thoughts and feelings about the opposite sex as an SSA guy. I know, I've done this before, but I'm a bit more mature now, in both my thinking and my writing, so having another go at it would be good.

I think my reaction to the opposite sex has been very different from many. There is no fear or even disgust towards women or the female body in general. I think women are very beautiful and I can recognize that beauty, but it’s completely non-sexual. It’s almost artistic, I think. I know when a woman has pretty features but they don’t do anything for me in romantic terms.

Even on an emotional or intellectual side, I am engaged and interested by men. I just find men to be exciting and stimulating, in pretty much all facets of their character, while women — though respected — just don’t get much of my attention. I suppose this sounds very sexist, but it really just has to do with my initial reactions. I have plenty of female friends who I adore. But if I’m in a crowd and looking at people, I notice the men. Women just aren’t on my radar, even in a non-romantic way.

I suppose I just find men to be more fun and energetic. There seems to be a bit more carefree attitude among men, which, of course, is largely dependent upon the fact that I’m a college guy and the guys I know are too. Women, in general, often come across to me as preoccupied. But of course this isn’t the rule. I know plenty of fun girls and plenty of grim guys. The problem with making these sort of observations is that they can play to stereotypes. Let me be clear that I'm not saying men are all great and women are all catty, but it is a bit of a gut reaction.

I think a lot of it comes down to small observations that are almost impossible to write down. The simple way men communicate is very different from the way women communicate, even in subtle ways, and I think I can pick up on those subtleties and it really does make a difference to me in terms of attraction. I will say, however, that I think men tend to come across as more forthright and honest than women do, and that is something that certainly endears me to them more. I'm not saying men actually are more honest. I just mean that their way of communication sounds more honest to me. Some say women tend to be more political and diplomatic in their communication style, and I will admit I can pick up on that from many women, and it's something that just shuts me down. It shuts me down when I hear it from a man, too. So, largely, this is just my own personal opinion of what I like as an individual.

Of course, I am just talking about initial gut reactions. I don’t think women are less fun or less energetic or less honest than men. That’s just how I react at first on a very instinctive level (in the same way that men instinctively attract me physically). In fact, when Karen's article first pressed me to think about this issue, I just kind of fumbled around for an answer to the question. I've never really thought of it before, but it is interesting to note it now that I've been introspective about it.

I certainly don’t have any gender stereotypes on a logical level. In fact, I’m probably one of the most open-minded and fair people I know when it comes to stereotypes of any kind. The fact of the matter is that at this point, I’m just sexually oriented towards the same sex, and I think that can account for my initial gut reactions about women.

I have wonderful relationships with women. Some women are as close to me as sisters and I trust them with my life. They’re great and loyal friends and I wouldn’t have them any other way. It’s just when it comes to the emotional connectivity required for a romantic relationship, not just a friendly one, I desire a male energy, I guess. There really isn’t any way to verbalize that properly, but I hope I got it across here.

I do think that, as SSA strugglers, we focus on the lack of physical connectivity too much, as if that's the main part of a relationship. It's certainly important, but I think it’s the inability to connect in an intense emotional way that really defines the problem between SSA folks and the opposite sex. Straight couples are able to work around things like impotence and inability to have sex all the time. It’s certainly difficult, but the emotional bond makes up for it, I assume.

For me, and I think for many SSA folks, however friendly we are with the opposite sex, and no matter what great friendships we have with members of the opposite sex, the fact of the matter is that we feel more emotionally bonded to the same sex. I do, at least. I know the argument is often made that SSA men don’t get along with heterosexual men, but that’s not the case with me. I like all men, and I like women too, just not to the same degree of emotional intensity as men.

I highly encourage people to continue this discussion, either here or at Karen's blog. Hope everyone's weekend is going well!

Kids

2009-02-06T22:14:00.003-05:00

I suppose this post is a little more on the personal side (as if all my other ones aren't). It's a touchy subject because I think people tend to get up in arms about it, and it produces a variety of emotions and conflict in folks, myself included. Mainly, it's about the desire for children.

There are very few people I know who don't want kids. In fact, I can count them on one hand. There are four of them; two couples who both made the conscious decision to not have kids. Everyone else I know either has kids or wants them, no matter their age, gender, or sexual persuasion. I think it's safe to say that the desire to raise a child (not necessarily procreate) is a fundamental human desire. It's not present in everyone, but it's present enough.

I'm also not without this desire. I want kids. I want at least one of my own, and the rest of my life's work is to be dedicated to kids. I've been a camp counselor, I'm going to be a teacher, I want to be involved in youth an children ministries in whatever church becomes my home down the line. These things are non-negotiable. I can't imagine my life without young people in it. The only problem, of course, is that I'm a celibate gay man.

Now, that's not a big problem when it comes to the teacher thing. I'll be a teacher no matter what, and nothing except my own failure from college (which, thank God, doesn't seem likely), or my failure to find a job at a school (ha, yeah right), will get in the way of that. When it comes to my potential involvement in church youth groups, my orientation could become a bit of a problem. I want to be open about my sexual struggles with church leaders and my peers, just like I am now, but I don't want those struggles to keep me from serving and assisting with youth. I fear, just based on anecdotal evidence from contacts and friends, that that will happen, and it really scares me. As Peter Ould recently pointed out, there is homophobia in the church, even towards people who are chaste, and it freaks me out when I think something like that could get in the way of doing what I think God has called me to do. I want to be honest and involved, and I don't want to sacrifice one at the hands of the other.

Now, when it comes to adopting on my own, that's when it gets really tricky. Even though I am not and never will be of the idea that having a baby on one's own is somehow a death sentence for a child (as many conservatives like to use in their scare tactics, like this recent Ann Coulter piece), I'm still pretty aware that two parents is probably best. But one parent with a decent paycheck and a lot of devotion is still better than no parents, right? I know a few single dads, and most of them adopted the "unadoptable" (or the older kids who are more likely to get shuffled through foster care, as opposed to the cute international children that are popular nowadays). I'd be willing to do that, and I think I'd be able to do it rather well.

But I'd also want support from my church community if I did that, and the fact that I tend to run in more conservative circles freaks me out a bit (yet again). There is always suspicion around a man wanting to adopt on his own, even among "secular" society. How much worse would it be in a church? I know, that's a horrible thing to ask. Maybe I'm just paranoid, but I do think my fears have merit. It's not that I want everyone to support every decision I make. If I did, I wouldn't have gotten as far in life as I already have. However, I would hope that in any faith community in which I find myself a part, my decisions to have a child on my own would be accepted. Of course, there's still the chance that I'll get married and have kids the good old fashioned way, but right now, this looks like the more likely option.

This brings up a lot of questioning about my desire to have kids in the first place. Some might say that if I'm willing to bring up a child without a mother, then I am harming a child and don't have their best interests at heart. I can understand that point of view, but like I said, when it comes to adoption, I'd be adopting someone without either parent. And also, does any parent really have a child just for the child's sake? I'd think that even among the most Christian parents there's a bit of selfishness in it. Not only do we want to provide a home and bring someone up in the Lord, but we want people to devote our time to, to watch grow just as we have grown, and to hopefully care for us in our older years. And honestly, I don't think those things are wrong. They certainly factor into my reasons, even if they aren't the main one.

I guess it's all just very far away, so I don't really have to worry about it right now. What I do know is that I want to have kids, not only to raise as a father but also as a teacher and mentor. And I don't think such a strong desire can go unfulfilled for me.

Talking About Words, Again

2009-02-01T21:15:00.004-05:00

Hey everyone! It looks like once-a-week posting is the best I will be able to do for awhile. I actually like scheduling it that way, since everything else in my life seems to be similarly scheduled right about now. Blogging topics are still being a little difficult to come by, but fortunately I stumbled across something to which I think I can contribute some thoughts.

With fallen pastor Ted Haggard's media blitz concerning his recent HBO documentary, a lot of people (both online and in real life) who know about my "issues" have been asking me my opinion. Usually it's something like this: "I couldn't care less." But of course that's not really the nicest attitude to take, especially since Haggard is, like it or not, one of the most visible examples of someone caught between religion and their sexuality right now (and bridging that gap is somewhat of my personal blogging forte).

Of course, I still don't think I have much to say. My personal opinion has been that Haggard should disappear from the media. I mean, I was sad to learn that he felt he was a "failure" simply because he was reduced to selling insurance and taking University of Phoenix classes, as if there aren't thousands of Americans for whom those things are pretty standard. It's odd how these high-profile Evangelicals don't seem to cope with living, you know, a normal life. But cope is what I expected him to do. Have a normal life and work on the healing that his family obviously needs, and just face the fact that he's not going to be a celebrity anymore.

Wendy Gritter of Bridging the Gap actually made a very good post about the whole situation, and I especially liked this quote of hers:

It would seem that Haggard associates a number of other descriptions to the word gay other than the common cultural understanding that the term gay simply describes someone who experiences same-gender attraction. It seems that he is sensitive to the common evangelical assumption that to say you are gay assumes that you are sexually active with members of your own gender. Clearly, in fidelity to Christ AND to his wife, he does not want to say that. But it seems to leave him in a no-man’s land of struggling for authenticity – and being unsure of how to express that - with the knowledge that evangelicals are watching him carefully. Personally, I believe it is unfortunate that stereotypes about gay people continue to afflict the common evangelical understanding – leaving those who are persistently attracted to their own gender with very few options to express that honestly without a whole lot of extra baggage.

I think this search for authenticity is not only a problem for Haggard, but for many SSA guys. It can be very annoying, when asked about my sexual issues or identity, to say things like, "Oh, I'm just a son of Christ. I'm just Jay." That's certainly true, but the fact of the matter is I'm also a son of Christ who is consistently attracted to men. I don't like the word "gay," I'll admit, and if anyone ever point-blank asks me what my sexual orientation is (which doesn't happen too often, mind you), I just say I'm attracted to men and don't use any specific label. And yes, that means they will likely call me "gay." Oh well, big deal. Nothing I can do about what others think of me, especially if they refuse to actually get to know me in the first place.

There is just such a problem with language in the ex-gay/post-gay/whatever community. In fact, frequent commenter Jeff S. recently wrote about that on his blog. I believe that words such as "ex-gay" and terms such as "freedom from homosexuality" just really take the discussion to improper assumptions. The fact of the matter is that ex-gay men who proclaim freedom from homosexuality are usually still attracted to men, which means that the culture (again, like it or not) is going to call them "gay" and "homosexual." And based on the dictionary, they won't be wrong. Instead of getting up in arms about it, however, and trying to change the language, I think the best option is simply to just speak clearly. Say, "Well, I don't like that term. I'm still attracted to men, and you can call me what you want, but I don't use that term." But don't expect everyone else to conform to your terminology.

By the way, that was a bit of a tangent (but what would you expect?) I'm not saying Haggard is doing any of those things (although he does have a problem with speaking clearly). It's just something that I've noticed in the ex-gay world over the years, and frankly, I'm just getting a little tired of it. Luckily, it appears things are getting better.

And with that, comment away. Take care!

In The Middle

2009-01-24T11:38:00.003-05:00

So fellow-blogger "P" has written an interesting series of posts about being the "in-between guy." Part One is here, and Part Two is here. Essentially, his posts are about the difficulty that guys who struggle with SSA have when it comes to fitting in. More than that, he also talks about the difficulty that one can face when they don't quite "fit in" with any of the mainstream ministries that reach out to gay Christians. I'm in that boat as well. I respect and am essentially supportive of Exodus, but I some of their political involvement just really turns me off to their ministry. I also think that the Gay Christian Network is extremely awesome for having a community of people who hold traditional views of human sexuality, also known as "Side B." I also think it's pretty awesome that, at GCN's recent conference, the Side B group had their own panel, and from what P said, people asked pretty good questions.

But still, even though I know people from both groups (and other folks who tend to be unaffiliated and just "go it alone" like myself), I can't say I really "fit in" with anyone. It used to bother me, until I realized that probably every individual, even if they are a part of one group or another, has his or her own ideas about things. As hard as I am on other people for making assumptions before getting to know me, I tend to do it quite a bit when it comes to others. I think I tend to go, "Oh, _____ goes to _____, so he must believe in _____, _____, and _____." Now, granted, sometimes assumptions aren't totally off, but I think if I meet someone and quickly make up my mind about what I'm likely to disagree with them about, then that really limits my ability to be a loving Christian.

I think taking a moderate position can be a good thing, but it can also be one that is just as susceptible to debilitating pride as rabid loyalty to whatever your "side" says. After all, if you're squarely on one side (and like I said earlier, few people totally are), you may have an "us vs. them" mentality, but if you're in the middle and think all of your views are right (which, granted, I don't), then you can have a "me vs. them vs. them" mentality.

Of course, the worst part about this is that there is no real solution. I'm still in the middle in terms of my beliefs and what I think are the appropriate responses to them, and I don't see that changing anytime soon. Mainly, what I need to work on is to stop labeling other people. If someone says they are conservative or liberal, I can't automatically assume that I know everything about their political stances. The same goes for if someone says they're involved in Exodus or GCN. It makes things difficult because it then requires that you actually get to know the person, rather than hitting the ground running with debate. Treating people as individuals is difficult. I get mad when Christians fail to do it with gays, and vice-versa, but I need to start keeping tabs on when I fail to do it, because I certainly am not a model for success in that area.

Other than that, nothing much is going on in my life. Classes are busy and I'm tired a lot (including right now, which is probably why this post is a lot more rambly and not as tightly-wound as I usually prefer). However, I'm doing well. I'm enjoying my work, which is more than I could say for past semesters, and I generally am learning to be a more productive, organized, and less spastic person. Oh, and here's a really cool song (and animation) from Boy In Static. Check it out.

Go Ahead, Ask

2009-01-17T13:18:00.004-05:00

Well, this week sucked. Nothing bad happened. I just realized that I have a lot of work to do this semester and not enough energy (at this point) to do it all. In other words, I'm very, very tired. Like, almost as tired as I was during finals last semester, but this is only the first week! I'm sure I'll get used to it. It's just that reading four books at once, and then writing various papers about all of them, and then having to diffuse situations with my residents on an almost daily basis (I really hate having to hound people to turn in some simple paperwork that takes five minutes, but alas) really wears one down. I don't exactly have time just to enjoy myself, and I'm missing a bit of human contact. Actually, a lot of it comes online while I'm working on stuff. Thank goodness of Instant Messenger!

Of course it's not easy to keep God on my mind all the time, either, when school and work and all these other obligations that I've set myself up for (I'm too involved, if you can't tell) are racing through my head all day. I try to keep Him present, and I try to keep reading my Bible and writing in my journal, but in many ways I get so distracted by everything else I have to do that my "quiet time" is too fast-paced, shallow, and tainted by my constant worries about school and work.

And aside from that, I feel like I'm neglecting this blog. Obviously, the blog should not be too high on my priority list. It won't give me better grades or keep my boss happy, and its spiritual benefits are debatable. But it does often give me an "out" if I want to say something. The only problem is, recently, I don't have anything to say. Even when talking to friends, a lot of my concerns are about school and work, since my busyness has kept me out of my social loop (which is not too large to start with). And I'm sure you guys don't want to hear about me being busy, since this is, like, the fourth post in a row where I've mentioned that.

Another thing is that I feel that everything I've ever really wanted to say about my struggle with homosexuality, I've said. People know where I stand on things, or they can if they just take a dive through the archives. I'm a conservative Reformed Christian. I realized I liked guys when I was around 11. I consider myself masculine and have never had a problem with my sense of masculinity. I had a boyfriend once and it was a mixed experience which I don't intend to repeat. I don't see my my attractions as inherently sinful (lust is another matter, of course), and I try my best to be open about who I am and what I deal with (this is not a "hush, hush" topic for me). I don't buy into the typical theories of the "root causes" of homosexuality, nor do I care, and I also think that celibacy is the best option for men and women who deal with homosexuality, with hetero marriage as a possibility that should only be approached after considerable honesty and thought between the two people involved. My political notions, in general, are libertarian, and I think the government should get out of the business of religious marriage altogether and offer civil unions to people who desire them, for whatever reason.

There. Those are my thoughts on this in a nutshell, and like I said I've gone all through them before. So what else is there for me to talk about when it comes to the homo issue? I know that there are people who read this who are new, and so they've never really had a chance to interact with me as I talked through these things the first time, or maybe there are others out there who do know me but have an idea for a post. Just because I think I've said all that needs saying, there could very easily be something I'm missing, so I think I'll leave it to my readers (that means you guys, and you're a great bunch, might I add). If there's anything you'd like me to talk about, in terms of faith in general or the gay/Christian issue in particular, or just something random and funny (because I'm anticipating that Kurt True will leave a joke comment in response to this), just leave a comment and ask. I need ideas and I also do want something to take me out of my school/work/school/work model for a bit. :)

Other than that, things are going well. God bless, and hope to hear from you soon!

Busy

2009-01-07T19:24:00.005-05:00

Well, today was the first day of classes, and this semester will do one of two things. It will either force me to grow up and take time management and my duties as a student seriously, or it will break me in half. I'm hoping for the former. Seriously, I think this semester will teach me more about being a teacher than any other semester I've had, and I find this ironic because I am not taking any Education courses this semester.

Basically, I signed up for all literature and creative writing courses. My adviser warned that I might get overwhelmed by the combination of classes, but I assured her that I would be able to make it. Well, now I'm feeling like I should have taken her advice. Because I already have about 200+ pages to read in three different books by Monday, and this was just my first day of classes this week. I'm a slow reader to start with, people.

At the same time, I'm also a really lazy guy. I tend to procrastinate often. I put stuff off and waste my time with trivialities when I could very easily be getting my work done. In other words, I need to "grow up" in that department, and if anything will be helping with that, it will be this semester. I have tough courses, but all of them are engaging. I'm taking them with people I've gotten to know over the past three years (English majors stick together), and I'm far enough along in school that I have professors who I actually like and who actually know what they are doing. That will certainly help. I also, of course, am involved in my usual set of clubs and committees, and I will need to make sure I manage my time to include those as well.

In fact, all of this stuff has already started to take a bit of a toll on me. I had four classes today, two of which were really long once-a-week classes back to back (in the same room, no less!) So I went to the campus coffee shop and for the first time, I actually got coffee. I usually don't drink coffee. I don't drink sodas. I don't like caffeine in my system. But I gave in, and I drank a coffee, and now I am wired beyond reason. Can some coffee connoisseur out there tell me when I can expect these jitters to go away? I'm not completely complaining, because I don't think I've ever written a blog post this quickly before (it really is coming far along much faster than I anticipated), but I would like to be able to, you know, sleep tonight.

I also need to remember to find time for the Lord every day. I will be sacrificing a lot of trivialities this semester (goodbye, online role-playing games! You'll be missed!) But I don't need to be sacrificing my time with Him. I also don't need to put my relationship with God into a schedule. It does not do anything for me to say, "Oh, well, I'll only meditate on Christ between 6:00-7:00 p.m. on Tuesdays and Thursdays." I need to be actively thinking of him, reflecting on Him, and seeking His strength and wisdom all throughout my busy, busy days. I need to be aware of my actions, temptations, and struggles. And somehow do all this while being aware of the 1,000 different things going on around me. Will it be tough? You'd better believe it. But I'm optimistic. After all, goodness knows how much more difficult actual adult life will be once I'm out of college, and yet people keep their relationship with God going, no matter how busy they are.

Well, I think I'm going to go plug all of my syllabuses into a Google calendar. Boy, this will be fun! God bless, everyone!

New

2008-12-31T19:11:00.005-05:00

Well hey, everyone! Happy New Year! I'm back at school, and you know the drill. That means I'm back on a high-speed connection, and thus, back to blogging! I have plenty of things to talk about, but it is New Year's Day, so I guess I'll just do a standard here's what I hope happens in 2009 post and I'll focus on all the other things I have to talk about later on (I make it sound like a lot, but there's only one or two posts on the back-burner right now; for a spontaneous person like me, that's a lot, though).

First, I'm hoping that I'm not buried by my schoolwork this year. I (perhaps unwisely) signed up for all English and Creative Writing courses. That means I'll be reading, writing, reading some more, and writing some more all the way to the Spring. Huzzah, I say. I'm actually looking forward to it, because all of the classes are of interest to me and that hasn't happened in my college career yet. It's just going to be a lot of work, and added onto all the other things I tend to do, I think I could get stressed out easily. I'm just praying that I'll be able to manage my time in ways that keep me sane.

I'm also hoping to be more physically fit this year. That's obligatory when it comes to New Year's resolutions, isn't it? I'm not necessarily unfit right now but I don't work out as much as I did in high school (actually, I didn't really work out at all these past few months, which sucks). Not being on a team is probably the biggest factor. When I was in high school, I had to work out. I had to practice if I wanted to better myself for competition, and also to motivate my teammates by setting a good example when I was team captain. Now, I don't have any of that motivation. I'm not an athlete anymore, and I don't have anyone to motivate except for myself.

I also want to blog more. Yes, I say that every year, but I think I'll have a lot more to say this year. I'm certainly growing in my strength and confidence as a Christian man, yet at the same time every step I take in my journey reveals a new set of weaknesses and struggles to overcome. I can't really understate the role blogging has had in helping me simply talk these things out. I know not everyone who reads this is a Christian, and I know even the ones who are don't necessarily agree with me about everything, nor do you all necessarily have the same struggles or life experiences. That's kind of how the world works, though, and the point is I can't learn from people who are just like me. By interacting with others, even people with whom I heartily disagree, I kind of become more firm in my own beliefs.

In terms of the very specific struggle that I have with homosexuality, I'm actually hoping that takes a bit of a back seat this year. I realize that I'll probably be just as attracted to men a year from now as I am now, so I don't mean that I'm hoping to be magically hetero all of a sudden. I just mean that I kind of hope it's on my mind less. In 2007 I was still a Freshman, and the experiences of first "coming out" and actually getting to meet gay people were still very new to me, as was my involvement online and my understanding of all the different perspectives in the ex-gay/gay Christian world. Then in 2008 the year was mostly defined by me unwisely having a boyfriend, then us thankfully having a very amicable break-up, and then me taking way longer than I expected to get over him, until finally coming to a place where I'm at peace with that whole situation and have a respectful friendship with him.

And now, for 2009, I really don't know what's going to go on in the homo department. I've had a relationship, which is what I said I wanted for the longest time, so that experience is under my belt (for better or for worse), and I don't really see it happening again. I'm pretty solid in my beliefs concerning homosexuality, and in my Christian beliefs in general. This is really the first year where it feels like the foundation is set, and I just get to move forward with my life. So I don't really know what I'll be writing about concerning that issue. I guess if anything comes up, it will be concerning what I'm seeing in the news, or what's making waves in the Christian community concerning this issue. Otherwise, I think I'll just try to blog more about my experiences as, well, an ordinary Christian college guy.

But don't worry; I'm sure there will be plenty of queer stuff, too. In fact, I think the next two posts I have ready are both pretty ex-gay related. So much for New Year's resolutions. I hope everyone has a blessed 2009!

Crickets

2008-12-18T21:51:00.003-05:00

Hey out there! So, I said I'd be doing a lot of blogging while I was stuck on campus for a week. Yeah, that hasn't really been working out too well. I'm doing fine, actually. I've been enjoying the down time and I've even gotten a little reading done (hopefully Kim will be gone from that reading list by January). Granted, things are a little dull and they can tend to get lonely, but I'm doing okay, all things considered. I just haven't had many mind-blowing thoughts concerning my walk with the Lord.

Sure, I sometimes come across things that bug me, like the fact that I don't get as excited for Christ as I do for random, trivial stuff (like my favorite TV shows, or a good book, for instance). But then I'm encouraged because the fact that those things bug me kind of shows me that my heart, though very slowly and surely, is changing. It still has a long way to go, of course. I still struggle with many things that guys my age (or of any age, I suppose) struggle with, but the fact that I'm growing ever more aware of my faults and my sins does kind of give me some strength, even though the process of realizing you're more broken than you previously thought can be taxing at times.

There also isn't too much going on in the blogosphere to talk about. Justin Taylor of Between Two Worlds recently posted a link to an article Mike Ensley wrote for Focus on the Family's Boundless web magazine. Mike Ensley is a nice guy, even though we've locked horns in the past over certain things, but he's pretty much dead-on in that article, and the comment thread after Justin's post is interesting, with some people somewhat denying that the church has any responsibility in being welcoming to GLBT people, or that it's doing well enough already (my response to that is a very sassy eyeroll, to be sure). One of the commenters, "InAwe," left a pretty awesome comment about how Christians struggling with their sexuality are often left out, and it was, honestly, a little scary for me, though very heartfelt and honest.

I have a church, but I'm not out to anyone who isn't my age there. There's a reason for that. You may be a part of that rare awesome church that's going to handle this issue well, or you may be a part of the kind of church that will feign openness while subtly excluding you, or you may be a part of the kind of church that will be extremely condescending and unhelpful. The catch is, you often don't know until after you've "come out," and then it's too late. That actually reminds me of a quote from Sunday's finale of Survivor: Gabon (which was awesome, by the way, even though my girl Susie only got second place), where one of the contestants mentioned how trusting someone in the game is always dangerous, because you only figure out that they were, indeed, untrustworthy when your butt is kicked off the island. It's sad when I can compare my idea of the church with a game show based on deceit and ruthless cunning, isn't it?

Rachael Starke is blogging about this from the other end, as a member of the church who wants to effectively reach out to those of us who struggle with homosexuality. I suppose openness just isn't a struggle for us, but it does seem to be a little more difficult due to all the cultural controversy surrounding this subject. The thing is, I'm pretty much open to people on campus, and I'm introverted enough that I can't really tell if I'm being excluded from anything or not, since I'd probably say "no" to a lot of activities anyway (and people pick up on that). I'm just wondering what will happen when I'm out of school, living on my own, and part of a church. It's a little daunting, and a little scary, and I just want to make sure that my weeks aren't as dull as this one has been.

Wow. I didn't mean to ramble that much. I guess there is more going on than I thought. The "crickets" I'm hearing around my apartment aren't taking up residence in my head, I suppose.

December Forecast

2008-12-02T10:20:00.006-05:00

It's the beginning of December, and I already think I know what's going to go down for the rest of the month... For starters, this is the last week of classes and then there is exam week. I basically have something due every day for this week, so that means every night is going to be spent at the computer, working on papers and projects that should have been started a long time ago. Plus, being the super-involved student that I am, I have to attend a lot of trite holiday parties and get-togethers even though I'm so busy. Hopefully they'll serve as a reprieve, but usually they just add to the stress.

But this week happens every year, and to everyone. I'll get through it, turn in all my stuff, take all my final tests, and be done with it. I really can't wait. However, I'll then be stuck on campus on RA duty until December 20th. Most of the people I know will be leaving to go home for the holidays around December 12th, so that means I'll be pretty much on my own for over a week. Sure, there will still be some people around, but I'm not good at taking initiative with starting social interactions. And I'm kind of stuck right now between looking forward to the down time (I will have plenty of time to read and write), and dreading the boredom and loneliness that I'm bound to deal with.

But then I will get to go home for Christmas, so I know the end of the month will be awesome. It's just looking at the stress and then boredom of the next few weeks that gets me worried. I don't know how much I'll write in the blog this current week (because, well, I'll be writing plenty of other things). But I will surely blog after exam week when I'm here by myself. I think I'll need this place to unload, and who knows, maybe it will end up being a rather blessed month for me. I just have to keep Matthew 6 in mind (as always).

Oh, and I realize this is random, but another good thing about the next few weeks is that Survivor: Gabon is wrapping up. I've been watching this show since it first aired in 2000 (wow, that's been awhile), and I'm still a huge fan. The previous two seasons were a bit disappointing to me but this one has been epic, and I think it's a combination of improved casting and a stellar location. The intro is below so you can see what I'm talking about. I know, I'm a reality show nerd. It's one of my few hobbies. That, and enjoying a wide variety of music, a new playlist of which is in the sidebar. :) Take care, everyone!

Eternity On My Mind

2008-11-22T22:47:00.004-05:00

Hey guys! I know it's been forever, but if you read the last post, you probably have an idea why. Things are actually settling down right now. I like to call this "the calm before the storm." The penultimate round of tests and papers are done with, and now all that's left are finals. They're still a few weeks off, though, so people are doing their best to enjoy the Thanksgiving holidays before crunch time hits like whoa.

In spiritual matters, though, I got to thinking today (dangerous, I know). I do not keep eternity in mind enough. When I sin, I sin knowingly. Wouldn't I be more cautious about sin (and sinful situations) if Heaven (or Hell) was on my mind more?

If I really believed that I was preparing myself for God's holy Kingdom, then wouldn't situations in which I was likely to sin be something that I tried to avoid desperately? And yet, that often isn't the case. I run towards stumbling blocks more than away from or around them, and this goes for several situations: from TV shows and websites that don't help in the lust department, to arguments and interactions that don't help in the anger department. If I really had Heaven in mind, and was preparing myself for it, wouldn't these things be easier to turn away from?

And on the other side of things. Even though I believe by grace I am saved through the blood of Christ, my sins are still abominable to Him. They are the very things that would justly damn me were it not for His grace. Knowing this, then, why is it so hard to not do them? I feel I'm doing my best to try, but often it looks like my victories are insignificant next to my stumbles, and it's quite discouraging.

If eternity were on my mind more, I am sure things would be different. But how do I get to that point? I pray about it, but what does it really take to change one's mindset to something that is focused on the "now" to something focused on "the eternal now"? Thoughts?

Tired

2008-11-11T22:50:00.006-05:00

Well, if you couldn't tell, the previous post (and the resulting comment thread) kind of wore me out. I tend to "burn out" like that pretty easily. But let's face it: Not having my candidate win the election, and having to argue with friends and family about how yes, I really am upset Obama won, and then dealing with all this drama surrounding Proposition 8 and the way the church proper has been dealing with homosexuality in general... Well, it's made me tired.

Plus, like I said in the comments of my last post, I really have a lot on my plate right now. Two majors, one minor, two honor societies, two scholarship programs, two jobs, and somehow trying to balance a social life and creative endeavors as well as the blog debates (here and elsewhere) kind of gets to me every now and then. I mean, I started writing a novel over the summer before school got back in. I was really hoping for this to be my second completed novel (after Whaler, which I finished four years ago -- wow). I've had "write!" on my daily post-it note checklists almost every day, and almost every day, nothing gets done, and my novel is stuck in the middle of Chapter 2. It's discouraging.

Plus, I was trying to read more. Somehow I got through The Phantom Tollbooth but Kim has been on my shelf collecting dust since Chapter 5. I'm having my daily devotionals and quiet times with the Lord, and thank goodness for that, because otherwise I don't know how I'd be getting through my semester. And this is the light semester! I just signed up for classes, and man, Spring 2009 is going to suck!

So all and all, I'm tired. I'm constantly feeling like I just need to get away (in fact, other than church, I can't really remember the last time I went off campus to hang out). Thanksgiving is coming up, and that's good, and I have a lot to be grateful for. I'm just really in the need of a pick-me-up. I don't drink coffee or any kind of caffeine (don't ask me how I manage; I really don't know). But I need some sort of spiritual caffeine. I need something to just give me a boost so I can handle everything that's on my plate. I know I have enough time in the day to do everything, because there are some hours when I just zone out in front of the TV. I just need the motivation to do everything, and do it all well.

Since I'm going into Education, I worry about how this is going to play out my first year of teaching. We were talking about the dreaded first year in class today, and from all I've heard, it's a rough year. You're essentially setting up everything that you could use for the rest of your teaching career, so each week is a "breaking in" process. People I know who have gone through it have said that you basically have no life outside of school, and people can burn out quickly. When asked what helped them survive, they all quickly say, "My husband/wife/boyfriend/girlfriend."

Crap.

Surely there have to be other things besides romantic relationships that can give me energy, that can comfort me and give me the "pick-me-up" I need. I just haven't seen many people taking advantage of those things, and I don't know what they are. It's not just first year teachers, either. I'm an RA on campus, and the majority of the other RA's on my staff are pretty nicely paired off. I'd say it's because, like the first year of teaching, it's a job that comes with a lot of responsibilities and it somewhat doesn't allow one to have an ordinary social life, so people tend to latch onto one person (usually another RA) who can understand and help them through.

So yeah, I'm tired right now. I'm not the only one. The end of a semester is pretty well-known as "burnout season." I'm just trying to keep the fire going so I don't burnout. I can rest at Christmas Break. If anyone has any good ideas about how to get more energy (without caffeine; I just don't do caffeine), and also achieve some spiritual "pep" in the process, that would be great. Till then, hope everyone's well! Oh, and check out the new music! I'm really enjoying getting to share my favorite songs with people. I think they say things about me that I can't quite say with words.

Now What?

2008-11-05T14:33:00.003-05:00

This is directed at all of the Christians who supported the initiatives in California, Florida, and Arizona to ban same-sex marriage. This is also directed at the Christians in Arkansas who supported the initiative to ban adoption or foster-parenting by unmarried couples (which, of course, includes same-sex couples). I'm not going to say what I think of those initiatives. I'm a bit of a political agnostic in that arena (Well, not about the adoption thing. Since I eventually want to adopt as a single man I absolutely oppose the Arkansas voters right now). But regardless of what I think, the conservative Christians in those states have gotten what they wanted. Congratulations. Democracy prevailed.

But now the main question, if you are a follower of Christ, is "Now what?"

Heaven forbid you consider this the end of your dealings with the gay community. If you think, for even an instant, that your ballots consisted of a "victory" and you can rest easy now, you are an utter disgrace. Because all you did was pass laws; you did not change hearts.

Gays in your respective states can no longer marry, so in your view you "protected marriage." Good, bad, whatever. You know that's not how they see it, right? You know they weren't trying to destroy marriage, right? I don't care what you think; try to put yourselves in their shoes at this moment right now. You may disagree with their views or choices, but remember that you are both still human, and thus you both contain shadows of the other within you. Their pain is just like your pain, and right now, trust me, they're in pain.

How would you feel if you were told that the person you loved most couldn't be your wife or husband? How would you feel if you were told you weren't allowed to have children? How would you feel if the people around you essentially told you that your family was pretend or illegitimate? Could you say that to their face?

It's not that these initiatives passed that really bugs me. It's that they passed with seeming glee and joy from Christians. I can respect a reasoned argument that said, for one reason or another, that these initiatives were a political or moral necessity. Fine, vote that way then. But don't jump for joy at the prospect that you are hurting others. Be solemn, have respect, and try to think about how to move forward from here.

Because like it or not, hurt has been caused to the gay community. You might think it was necessary, but that does not take away your duty as a Christian to try to connect to others. And I mean really connect, people. See where they're coming from; try to understand their pain, anger, and frustration. Don't let your Christian witness end at the ballot box (though I am very discouraged right now, and I fear that it will).

Talk to gay friends and neighbors. Try to listen and engage and understand their pain. Show that you care. And if you actually find that you can't do these things, because you don't want to understand or because you don't care, then pray, search your heart, and ask God to give you a heart for them. Wrap your head around the difficult questions. Because, come on, it's not easy. Let's say you know a monogamous, nice, hard-working gay couple who has adopted a child together. What would you want to happen there? How would you respond as a Christian? How would you show that you legitimately love them just as Christ loves them?

I know, these are a lot of questions. I didn't plan to write so emotionally, but I guess there just really isn't another way to write about this subject for me. Even though this issue is so very close to my heart, I don't have all the answers either, and I need to pray and meditate and ask God to guide me in all my future interactions. I hope that all of the Christians who voted for these measures will do the same.

Unfortunately, I just have a deep and horrible fear that they won't, and that their answer to "Now what?" will be "Nothing. We've won, and we're done."

What It's Not Always About

2008-11-01T22:48:00.004-04:00

I think sometimes conservative Christians do a disservice to those struggling with SSA (same-sex attraction) by writing off this struggle as simply a sexual one. Now, of course it is largely sexual, and the sex is often what people have a hard time moving past. It's the starting point for everything else, and, for conservatives, it's the part that the Bible condemns. But for me (and I think I can speak for guys and girls like me), there is a lot more to struggling with SSA than just the sexual aspect, and truthfully, the sexual struggles pale in comparison to the other stuff.

At least for me, it's really the easiest thing to deal with. That might be because it's the most defined. It's not difficult to control one's behavior, especially when you don't put yourself in situations where your desires can get the better of you (as I did when my ex-boyfriend and I stumbled). It's also pretty clear to recognize sexual temptation when it comes along. The line between appreciating a man's God-given beauty and lusting after him is, to me, pretty easy to see. That's not to say it's easy to avoid, but that when I do cross it, I know what I'm doing and that I'm sinning. In other words, there isn't a lot of fuzziness with the sexual side of this struggle. Either you are sinning sexually or you aren't. Either you are thinking impure thoughts or you aren't. If there's middle ground there, I haven't seen it.

Unfortunately, SSA isn't just the sexual struggles. On paper it might be, but when you add together everything else -- from cultural issues to issues of celibacy, contentment, and one's role within the Church -- then you've really outweighed the sexual stuff, in my opinion. One example of this should exemplify all, I suppose, so here we go:

The reason I'm celibate is because I'm SSA. I believe what the Bible (and tradition) says about human sexuality and God's created order, and I intend to follow that. However, simply following doesn't take my SSA away. My relationship with Christ allows with me to deal with it in the same way that we all deal with unwanted desires (sexual or not), but it hasn't disappeared and, most importantly, I still don't have any romantic or physical feelings for the opposite sex. This means that I am likely to be celibate for a rather long time, if not for the rest of my life.

But it doesn't stop there. Just because I'm celibate and committed to that doesn't mean I'm not still human, and for some reason it's hard for folks to understand that sometimes. I have the same desires for love, affection, and companionship as anyone else. This ranges from the seemingly superficial (wanting to hug, cuddle, spend ridiculous amounts of time and energy searching for just the right Christmas gift, etc.) to the downright necessary (the need for companionship, purpose, having a witness to my life and memories, and being witness to someone else's). Those desires aren't the same as the sexual ones, and they need not be lumped in with them. It's odd enough to deny one's sexuality, but denying these desires, well, would just be impossible.

The struggle, then, becomes more about how to fulfill these desires in a God-honoring, Christ-centered way, even if I stay celibate and single for the rest of my life. Honestly, that's the hardest part about all of this, because according to the surrounding culture the only way to fulfill those desires for affection is to pair up in marriage or lifelong partnership. In other words, there just isn't a model for fulfilling those desires outside of romanticism, and romanticism is something I can't have.

I don't have the answer to how I can find what I'm looking for, but I have to have faith that I will. Simply, I don't want people to assume that when I'm feeling lonely or sad about my prospects, it's because I'm pining away about sex. That really, really isn't what I get sad about. At all. Actually, this kind of brushes against another topic, in that Christians often sell men short (all men) when they neglect the fact that, hey, we have emotional needs too. Guys aren't just out looking for sex; they desire committed companionship just like anyone else. I don't care what people say otherwise.

Of course if you're an SSA guy or gal reading this, you know this already. If you're liberal, you think that I should just go ahead and get a boyfriend (sorry, not going to happen). I guess I'm mainly speaking to those conservative Christians out there who have never dealt with SSA and are trying to learn more about the subject, so I encourage people like that to comment. Hope you have a great November, everyone! I'm going to try to post more often this month.

Gender

2008-10-25T22:50:00.003-04:00

One of the things that I rarely talk about when it comes to GLBT issues is that "T," mainly because I don't feel qualified at all to speak about it. It's not an issue I've ever dealt with, nor can I think of any experience I've had that would really be parallel to it. I also haven't researched it in any significant way, so quite simply I keep my mouth shut about it unless I'm asking a question. (This, incidentally, is the way that some Christians and/or conservatives should try to approach homosexuality; it would certainly cut down on rude, ignorant, and unhelpful comments).

Having said all that, I do find transsexual (is that even the right term?) issues to be interesting. I shouldn't need to point this out, but they are an entirely separate set of issues from homosexuality. A gay man doesn't want to be a woman and a lesbian doesn't want to be a man. It's hard for people to get that through their heads sometimes, but there it is. I've known a trans woman online who was still married to her wife after transitioning from male to female, and I've also met a trans man in real life who dates women. It's confusing, I know, and at least for me, when I come across something confusing, I don't want to make judgments about it until I learn more about it.

Some Christians would tell me that there's nothing to be confused about; that there are only two genders and you're stuck with the one you're born with, and I'd be inclined to agree with them initially. I certainly am not sure that dangerous and invasive surgery is appropriate for anyone, and if living as the opposite sex means carrying on relations with a member of the same sex, well, I personally just consider that homosexuality, and we all know where I stand on that.

But, alas, it is not that simple. We'd like to say that there are simply two genders, but really, there aren't. Some people are born in with in an intersexed condition (more inaccurately referred to as a hermaphroditic condition). They have both male and female genitalia, and assigning a gender -- something that is black and white for most people -- is not for them. I'm really treading into unknown waters here, and all this is from what I've looked up.

In Western societies, people have often taken the liberty of assigning intersexed children a gender, but very often they assign the wrong one. I looked up English biographer Lady Colin Campbell, who was assigned to be male but, after realizing something was wrong, had gender reassignment surgery to become a female. In developing nations like Indonesia, intersexed individuals don't have the luxury of those types of procedures, and live out their lives as neither male nor female, but in between (this is the subject of the National Geographic clip at the end of the post). Even the first recipient of sex reassignment surgery, Lili Elbe, was revealed after death to have had rudimentary female organs in her body.

I don't know about you, but for me, that raises a ton of questions as a Christian. What should the church's response be to intersexed individuals? We have such rigid gender roles and have built entire theologies around them. And should we reexamine attitudes towards transsexual individuals? Like I said, someone like Lili Elbe looked to be anatomically male before she transitioned, and only after her death was she revealed to have been intersexed. I understand this post is more about me raising questions than anything else. I'm usually the one to give opinions, but this is somewhere I'm just not qualified. I would like people to raise opinions, though. What should the conservative Christian's response be?

This Is Awesome On So Many Levels...

2008-10-24T13:24:00.004-04:00

So I got together with two English major friends of mine (who are also studying Education, like myself), and they showed me this clip of Catherine Tate and David Tennant in a comedy sketch. As an English major, future educator, and lover of all manner of science fiction (even the really cheesy stuff), this really just made my day. The British sure know their humor.

I'll have something more substantial soon. I'm deciding between a few topics and don't know in which way to post about them. Hope everyone's doing well!

The Burden Of Overreacting

2008-10-21T00:20:00.002-04:00

First things first, I apologize for this most recent gigantic gap in blogging. Junior year is in full swing, and the past few weeks have been a roller-coaster ride of projects, assignments, papers, social events, meetings, interviews, on-campus programs, and the like. I've run an emotional gamut and frankly, I've kind of forgotten about this thing. It's a good think I'm e-mailed about comments because otherwise I would not have responded to some folks, and if there is anyone who I haven't gotten back to about anything, sorry about that! Here's to hoping I can get into some more regular blogging soon.

Anyway, the other day, I happened upon a blog post by Tim Challies, who was reviewing a portion of a book by Al Mohler, who was expanding upon an idea by Anthony Esolen. Got all that? Good. The post was about the burden of "perverse assumptions." Mainly, the idea was that increased cultural acceptance of homosexuality has led to the decline of close male friendships. For example, guys don't show affection towards each other nowadays because they are afraid of being labeled as "homosexuals."

On the one hand, the post made a good point. It is likely today that when two men are being affectionate towards one another, it's going to be looked upon strangely. Challies' post makes a few references to "The Lord of the Rings" characters Sam and Frodo, whose platonic love for one another was the subject of many jokes when the movies were being shown, even though it was clearly always meant to be nothing more than a close friendship between two men (um, hobbits) in the mind of author J.R.R. Tolkien.

However, that's really as far as I can go in saying that this line of thinking about "perverse assumptions" is good. It really, really isn't. For one, since when do Christian men let the culture define our relationships anyway? If one is afraid of being mistaken for a gay person, what are the reasons for that fear? In my mind, it's one of two things: the man doesn't have a strong sense of his own masculinity, or he's afraid that being labeled as gay will put him at risk of ridicule and possibly even violent crime.

Neither of these really speaks well for the Christian man. If the first is true, then the man is basically admitting to himself that being gay makes one less of a man. Actually, that's not a shocking opinion; a lot of Christians seem to hold it. It's condescending, of course, but the irony here is that it's a view that has been more or less spread by Christians themselves. Therefore, if a Christian's sense of his own masculinity relies on others' opinions about him, and more than that, relies on their belief that he is straight, then in a lot of ways he really only has to blame conservative Christianity itself.

If the second is true, and the man fears that he will be ridiculed or injured, then that's even more ironic, mainly because Christians have been rather silent about crimes against gay persons for quite some time, only really speaking out against them in afterthoughts, and usually fighting hate crimes legislation that would give the same benefits to gay individuals that Christians already enjoy (also note that I'm not a fan of hate crimes legislation in general, but if we have it for religion, we should have it for sexual orientation as well). This is a shame, because if anything, Christians should be the first people to speak up for those being hurt, and it turns out more often than not that we are the ones doing the hurting.

The second issue I raise with this line of thought is that it seems pretty exaggerated. I know many Christian men who have very close relationships, and don't seem to care what others think at all. In fact, these are the guys I like best. They're confident, assured, and don't care what the world might think. They also don't mind making fun of the fact that they might be perceived as gay. There is the whole idea of "bromance" going around nowadays, and that's actually a pretty good way to reclaim male friendship in a time when romance has been emphasized over all types of relationships.

The third issue I raise is probably the most important. Where do some Christians get off thinking that this is the worst kind of thing one could assume about them? Rising cultural acceptance of homosexuality might mean that two men who go to dinner together might be seen as boyfriends by passing strangers, but it also means that those passing strangers aren't likely to give a hoot. And like I said, a Christian man shouldn't give a hoot about the thoughts of the passing stranger, either.

This rising cultural acceptance is also good for Christians like me who are also attracted to the same sex. In another time period, fears that I could lose my job or even life if I came out of the closet would have probably either driven me to abandon my faith or enter a sham marriage to throw people off the trail. Nowadays, I can give myself fully and openly to God without that fear. I can tell people my story without being afraid of their reactions. I can make an informed decision and decide that celibacy is both the most theologically sound and realistic way to live out my life, and I can get the support I need for that. In other words, this cultural shift has been a good thing for me and for people like me, and I'd like other Christians to recognize it.

Unfortunately, some just don't. There's a great little exchange between a commenter named Bon and another commenter named Nathan, who also struggles with homosexuality, at the end of the comment thread on the Challies post.

Bon: The sexualization of male friendship is a great evil. I am deeply frustrated that referring to the good friend whom I run a business with as “my partner” invites raised eyebrows. What a thing has been done to us, or should I say we have allowed to happen. It is a conspiracy of cynicism.

Nathan: Such horrors for you and your partner, Bon!

When I tell some people that I have an attraction for men, they assume that I kidnap and eat children… or at least recruit them to do nasty things… or that I purposefully chose to slap God in the face… or I want to mutilate my body to change it into a female form … or I’m a disease ridden animal clawing the fabric of civilization apart… or I’m the cause of terrorist attacks…

You get the idea — I get more than a raised eyebrow. None of those assumptions are even remotely true nevertheless they are allowed to happen to me. Talk about the burden of perverse assumptions …

That's right folks. You want to hear about perverse assumptions, talk to Nathan. Talk to me. Talk to any other gay or lesbian you know. Sure, the world has a lot to answer for in its twisting of things that are innocent like friendship. But that's the world; they don't know better. Let's not forget that Christians have a lot to answer for too.

Dependent

2008-10-07T10:18:00.004-04:00

One of my biggest problems when relating to others is a lack of empathy. If I haven't actually had a similar experience or emotion as someone who's trying to get me to empathize with them, well, then in all likelihood I won't do it. I also have difficulty reading emotions at times, which makes me somewhat socially awkward and aloof. However, I think I've gotten around this for the most part, and I usually do a good job of relating my own experiences to others. I mean, in college most people go through the same things, and even if the specifics don't match, one can make some generalizations about where they've been and where somebody else currently is.

But then there are some issues where I just can't empathize. I want to, and I've tried, but I just don't know how because I can't think of any time I've gone through something similar. "Emotional dependency" is one of these issues. Goodness knows, after hanging around the ex-gay side of the blogosphere for over two years, I've heard about that issue a lot, but I really don't know how to empathize with brothers and sisters who are going through it.

I guess that's largely because I haven't felt it. Or if I have felt it, I looked at it in a different way. I'll admit I have a bit of a difficult time being close to people. I'm fine in very structured social situations (like a student club or campus organization), and I can get by in less formal situations (like mingling at parties, though I always feel awkward there), but when it comes to real deep, lasting relationships, I have a hard time developing them. Of course, the best of those kinds of relationships tend to develop on their own, so I don't stress about this inability of mine, and instead just try to wait for things to unfold naturally.

Obviously, this means that I don't exactly have too many friends that I would consider "close." My brother is probably the closest person to me, and there are two female friends and one male friend who I also would consider very close. There are also a few people I've met online who I've been very open and vulnerable with, but I would credit that to my comfort with both writing and relative anonymity. I have a feeling I would have been very content with the Victorian England method of friendships by correspondence, but alas, it is a different world now.

My ex, Hitch, was also very close to me for the time when we were together, and I admit the months since our breakup haven't been easy. I did rely on him for a certain type of comfort for the six months we were together, and it's taken awhile to get over that, especially since I've been trying to maintain at least a rudimentary friendship with him (the biggest impediment to which is the fact that we both seem to be consistently busy).

So, since we established the fact that I'm a bit emotionally guarded (also note my post about feelings), perhaps that's the reason I have a hard time empathizing with guys who have gone through emotional dependency. At the same time, on a logical level I have a difficult time understanding it as well. Some of the testimonies I've read concerning it seem very legitimate: a guy struggling with SSA attached himself far too tightly to a friend, got jealous of that friend's other relationships, and expected levels of commitment and duty that went beyond the normal barriers of even the closest friendships.

And yet some of the other stories I've read just seem to be overreacting. I'm sure part of the reason I write them off as such is, again, attributed to my lack of empathy, but I can't help but see them that way. There seems to be an attitude out there amongst SSA guys that if you feel like you need someone in your life, then you are emotionally dependent on them and need to start guarding yourself. I call bull on that.

What's wrong with needing someone? I mean, would you ever want your parents to say to each other that they didn't need each other to get by? Of course not! You want them to need each other. In fact, they do need each other. That's why they're your parents. Now, they shouldn't need each other more than they need God, but that doesn't mean that their faith in God should keep them from having a relationship with one another.

I personally need my brother. This isn't to say that I'm needy of him, that I call him everyday or get angry when he doesn't call me. But I do need to know that he's there, and that he loves me, and that he cares for me. I don't want him to care for me more than God or his own wife and daughters, because I recognize that he has higher priorities, but that doesn't mean that I don't rely on him as a source of strength and comfort when I'm down. He's my brother and my best friend; that's what he's there for. At the same time, I also try to be there for him. I'm a lot younger and don't have that much to offer, but if he needs me, I'm there.

I guess when I hear the words "emotional dependency" used negatively, it makes me think that the person doesn't want to be emotionally dependent on anyone. Well, that's just not possible. We're human being, and in order to have healthy emotions, we are dependent on our relationships with others. It's true. God didn't make us to be alone; we were given an entire community of other humans (both believers and non) with which to craft relationships. We don't need to focus all our energies on one person, of course, but at the same time it's fine if we do have a distinct best friend - someone that we couldn't imagine living without. That doesn't mean that we couldn't live without them, but that we value them enough to not want to.

That's my take on it, at least. I admit it's a bit of a ramble because I honestly don't know much about the situation other than what I've heard, and if any guys or gals who have gone through emotional dependency have anything to say, please feel free to comment. I'd love to discuss this further.

Lewis On Homosexuality

2008-10-01T16:22:00.008-04:00

Hey everyone! Welcome to October, which if you disregard the Halloween stuff is probably one of my favorite months! The weather is beautiful outside, Fall Break is just around the corner (I have nothing planned... and that feels awesome!) and I updated my music for the month as well (though I'm still reading through Kim as steadily as I can, so the book list might stay that way for a while). Also, I added a new comment policy, since I think it's a good idea for a blogger to do. Please take a note of it before you comment.

I've been meaning to write today's post for several months, but I just haven't gotten around to it. I came across this letter through a friend of mine, and it's from one of my favorite authors: the Christian apologist C.S. Lewis. I'm not exaggerating when I say that this man's writings helped me become a serious Christian (most notably The Screwtape Letters), so obviously I have a great amount of respect for him, and I was curious what his views were on homosexuality.

I was sure he'd be traditional in regards to sexual behavior. I am too. But I was curious about what his attitude would be concerning today's identity politics and ex-gay squabbles. Of course, the world was a very different place back when he was writing, and those things didn't even exist, but I was hoping I could glean something from his attitude and apply it to today. Turns out he seemed to be ahead of his time, and almost addresses those issues directly, though he also, of course, is limited by his own time period and lack of experience with the subject of homosexuality.

Here's the letter in full. I was thinking of going through it line by line, saying what I did and didn't like, but that really isn't necessary. I think it's pretty obvious what's good about it, and it's also pretty obvious that the bad stuff was born out of ignorance brought about by the more conservative culture at the time more than anything else.

Letter from C. S. Lewis regarding homosexuality, quoted in Sheldon Vanauken's A Severe Mercy, pp. 146-148, in response to a question about a couple of Christian students of Vanauken who were homosexual and had come to him for advice:

I have seen less than you but more than I wanted of this terrible problem. I will discuss your letter with those whom I think wise in Christ. This is only an interim report. First, to map out the boundaries within which all discussion must go on, I take it for certain that the physical satisfaction of homosexual desires is sin. This leaves the homo. no worse off than any normal person who is, for whatever reason, prevented from marrying. Second, our speculations on the cause of the abnormality are not what matters and we must be content with ignorance. The disciples were not told why (in terms of efficient cause) the man was born blind (Jn. IX 1-3): only the final cause, that the works of God shd. be made manifest in him. This suggests that in homosexuality, as in every other tribulation, those works can be made manifest: i.e. that every disability conceals a vocation, if only we can find it, wh. will 'turn the necessity to glorious gain.' Of course, the first step must be to accept any privations wh., if so disabled, we can't lawfully get. The homo. has to accept sexual abstinence just as the poor man has to forego otherwise lawful pleasures because he wd. be unjust to his wife and children if he took them. That is merely a negative condition. What shd. the positive life of the homo. be? I wish I had a letter wh. a pious male homo., now dead, once wrote to me--but of course it was the sort of letter one takes care to destroy. He believed that his necessity could be turned to spiritual gain: that there were certain kinds of sympathy and understanding, a certain social role which mere men and mere women cd. not give. But it is all horribly vague and long ago. Perhaps any homo. who humbly accepts his cross and puts himself under Divine guidance will, however, be shown the way. I am sure that any attempt to evade it (e.g. by mock or quasi-marriage with a member of one's own sex even if this does not lead to any carnal act) is the wrong way. Jealousy (this another homo. admitted to me) is far more rampant and deadly among them than among us. And I don't think little concessions like wearing the clothes of the other sex in private is the right line, either. It is the duties, burdens, the characteristic virtues of the other sex, I suspect, which the patient must try to cultivate. I have mentioned humility because male homos. (I don't know about women) are rather apt, the moment they find you don't treat them with horror and contempt, to rush to the opposite pole and start implying that they are somehow superior to the normal type. I wish I could be more definite. All I have really said is that, like all other tribulations, it must be offered to God and His guidance how to use it must be sought.

But while I'm here, I guess I can go through my favorite quotes, and quotes that I think more mainstream ex-gay ministries would do well to listen to.

"I take it for certain that the physical satisfaction of homosexual desires is sin. This leaves the homo. no worse off than any normal person who is, for whatever reason, prevented from marrying."

"Second, our speculations on the cause of the abnormality are not what matters and we must be content with ignorance. The disciples were not told why (in terms of efficient cause) the man was born blind (Jn. IX 1-3): only the final cause, that the works of God shd. be made manifest in him."

"This suggests that in homosexuality, as in every other tribulation, those works can be made manifest: i.e. that every disability conceals a vocation, if only we can find it, wh. will 'turn the necessity to glorious gain.'"

"I have mentioned humility because male homos. (I don't know about women) are rather apt, the moment they find you don't treat them with horror and contempt, to rush to the opposite pole and start implying that they are somehow superior to the normal type"

I quote that last line not because I believe it applies to all (or even most) gay men, but mainly because I know I often have the tendency to use my celibacy as a point of pride and lord it over people (Disputed Mutability wrote about that condition in this splendid post once; you should give it a read). Well, I guess it may apply to a lot of us, since there were quite a few people who responded to DM's post with a "me too!" And I was one of them. :)

Either way, I'm really interested in taking this letter apart through discussion in the comments. Despite all the negatives in it, I really think it's one of the most tempered, clear, loving, yet firm opinions about homosexuality I've ever read (and I wish I could have read the rest of this conversation, because presumably it continued). What do you guys think?

Spiritual Hunger

2008-09-26T22:07:00.003-04:00

Hey guys! Sorry it took me so long to update this thing after I got back from my fall retreat at camp. This week has been super busy. I mean, more busy than I could have ever imagined it to be. I'm used to having lots of things to do, but somehow a bunch of deadlines, papers, and other little odds-and-ends just sprung up on me over the past week, and I've been a little overwhelmed.

More than overwhelmed, I've been feeling a sense of spiritual hunger unlike I've ever felt before. It's probably because I went from the awesomeness of the retreat (where, by the way, I didn't have a chance to talk about my SSA issues with anyone, but I did open up about other things) to the humdrum of my bustling everyday life. This past weekend, I had an amazing chance to spend time alone with God. I was in the middle of a beautiful camp, with several lakes and ponds and a forest all around. There was plenty of free time where I could just sit alone, get into God's Word, and reflect on my relationship with Him.

But then I started my week at school again. I've hardly had any of that kind of alone time. Sure, I've spent the few minutes I can each day continuing to read through the New Testament (which was my goal this semester). But I haven't really found the time or location to really spend time with God. I know that sounds strange, because supposedly God is everywhere, but I have a hard time focusing when I'm in my apartment, surrounded by books full of assignments that I need to get done, or a computer full of e-mails that I need to reply to.

I'm really just hoping for some time to fulfill my spiritual hunger. I want to know more, build my faith, and work on actually using my faith to do some good. It's just really hard when I'm so involved on campus and have a billion different other things coming my way. I need to learn to prioritize, I guess, but I also need to learn to say "no" to different things. I can only be so involved and I need to make sure that the development of my faith is something that I place higher on my list.

Either way, that's what's going on right now. All in all I'm doing well. I'm staying busy and my semester is shaping up to be a good one. But if I don't spend the proper amount of time fueling my faith then I'll really be wasting a year, and I can't do that. Hope you all are well!

Off To Camp!

2008-09-19T15:05:00.008-04:00

Well, this weekend I'm taking a break from blogging, school, work, everything! I'm going on a fall retreat with Campus Crusade. Now, Cru and I have had our problems in the past, but there really is no way I wouldn't go.

Mainly because this retreat takes place at an awesome summer camp! As you know, I'm a huge fan of camps. I love kayaks, lakes, cabins, bunk-beds, counselors... everything! The weather this weekend looks like it's going to be gorgeous, and I'm really looking forward to spending some time with friends I don't get to see very often thanks to studying and my job. Also, it will be fun to simply enjoy a summer camp setting without actually having to help run one for once!

I think this will be an interesting fall retreat for me. It's the first one I've been to since I was completely "out." I may have made some mistakes when I got into a relationship last year, but some good did come out of it, and being forced out of the so-called closet really was one of the best. I wasn't willing to hide my relationship with Hitch, so I was honest about it, and in the process I "came out" to the majority of my friends at Cru.

Oddly, most were really cool about it. Of course, I stressed that the relationship was chaste, and a lot were concerned, but no one really got upset about it, and that was good. I haven't really talked about those kind of issues since the initial conversations, though. That's one reason I'm looking forward to fall retreat, because people seem to get into more of a sharing and asking mood in that situation.

It's sad that you have to take Christians out of an ordinary context before they get really vulnerable. I wish people would share their struggles and ask others to share theirs more often, but either way, I'm looking forward to talking to some people about who I am. I have a tendency to not be the most revealing individual. I'm energetic and hyper, but people don't really get a chance to know me. Maybe some people will this weekend, though.

Hope you all have great weekends, too, whatever it is you get up too! Here's a little parting gift. This song's been in my head all day, but hey, it's a good one. :)

Update About Feelings

2008-09-16T11:38:00.004-04:00

Sorry I haven't been around to respond to all the different posts about my last article. My computer got full of viruses over the weekend and I had to wait until Monday to get it fixed. Now, not only am I virus free, but I have Firefox instead of Internet Explorer, and I like it!

I really think it's funny how concerned everyone seemed to be about my last post. Just to be clear, it's not like I was feeling all of those feelings right at that moment. Goodness, I didn't even think someone could feel all those things at once! They'd explode, right? My point was that I am human like anyone else and the stoic front I have on my blog is just that: a front. I have a lot of the same emotions that other guys who struggle with homosexuality write about more often, and I just wanted to make sure that my lack of vulnerability in that area wasn't taken to mean that I don't struggle with those feelings. I do; I just have a hard time sharing them.

Now, I think the response to this post has been something unexpected. Like Wendy said, I have gotten a lot of unsolicited advice. That's not to say the advice wasn't appreciated. I just wasn't prepared for it (though let's be honest... I'm not usually prepared for what people write on this thing). I guess I want to take an entire post to talk about these comments instead of just writing another comment in the thread. I think they touch upon some key issues in my journey and my relationship to God, so here goes.

Not to be divisive, but I'll start with the comments from people who are more-or-less on my side of the "gay and Christian" issue. For one, I know writing about these emotions seemed a little pointless. No one assumes celibacy is easy and I guess if you're also going for it, then you know better than anyone else. I think something can be said for actually talking about the struggles out loud, though, instead of just letting everyone assume you're struggling even when you don't talk about it. Also, I think any Christian (or faithful member of any religion) can understand that the emotions I feel regarding God's prohibitions on gay sex aren't unique. Any Christian who wants something that God has clearly said "no" to has the same feelings to a certain degree.

It's tough. It requires prayer, and it requires strength to keep your head above water sometimes (not our strength, but God's). That's the point. Faith isn't easy. It's hard. It's work. It requires constantly going to God with our emotions and desires and asking Him to get them in line with His, and it requires faith that He will do that even if years have gone by and nothing has changed. We look for the things not seen, and we can wander in the metaphorical desert for years without ever seeing them. And we may even die without ever reaching the level of peace and contentment that we desire, but that does not mean God isn't good or that He isn't there. That's what faith is about.

And the whole point about sharing emotions is just so that we don't have to wander in that desert alone. We can share our joys and our triumphs with others. We should be able to, at least. The Church has a long way to go in terms of vulnerability and authentic relationships.

Now, for people on the other side of the coin. Thank you for commenting, as always. I guess for newer people like Devlin and Jack (who by the way not only represents the UNC system but also HRL employees!) I think I should clarify my position. I believe, in line with the Bible and the majority of Christian traditions, that gay sex is a sin. No worse than any other sin in terms of God's judgment, and no worse than any other sexual sin (including fornication and adultery) in terms of its effects in the here and now. As such, I am celibate. I will be celibate for my entire life unless I meet a woman with whom I have the ability to fulfill a husband's marital duties (and I consider such an encounter a very remote possibility). Yes, this is hard, but like I said, faith is hard.

This is a decision I made on my own. My family supports it but they would also love and support me if I decided to go the opposite direction. Granted, the decision I made was to follow God. I didn't exactly choose this particular path, but it's been outlined for me by God through His Word, and I am not one to question that, but to simply follow. Trust me, following goes against my very nature. I'm usually a very stubborn person and people don't influence my decisions often. But God does, and He's not a person.

I also don't think I'm killing off a portion of me by being celibate. Note that I said celibate, not single. I don't intend to be an old lonely gay celibate man, like Devlin said. I intend to have a community of friends and believers, and even family (remember, I'd like to adopt) by my side. If God wills it and if I have the strength to do it, I'd even like to do what I know other celibate same-sex attracted men have done, and that is make a lifelong companionship with a similar man. Not a marriage, of course, and not even a romantic relationship. Just a very close friendship... the kind that we've lost sight of in our culture. That's a hard thing to do, of course. I don't know where I'd find such a guy but I do believe it could happen, and if I have the strength to do it without sacrificing my other beliefs, I will. Because I believe you are right. It is not good to be alone.

Heck, I don't even know why it has to be a man. I'm willing to enter into that kind of chaste and holy friendship with anyone, man or woman, gay or straight, as long as they love the Lord and put that relationship first. I don't know if I'll be blessed with such a relationship, but I don't know a lot of things, and I have to learn to trust God to take care of them, and I have to obey Him either way.

Well... that's about it. Thank you all for your comments. I really appreciate them. I know that there are things I could do to make me happier sometimes. I could get a boyfriend and not worry about this stuff. I'm sure that would make me happy. But faith isn't about being happy, either. The fact that I struggle also doesn't mean that, like Kurt said, I'm on my way to being an "ex-gay survivor" (and I hate that term by the way, because if being ex-gay is the kind of thing you survive, what does that make me? A corpse?) Even if I was happy... if I did abandon my convictions, I'd feel like I was leaving something very important behind, and that feeling overshadows all.

So Let's Talk About Feelings

2008-09-12T22:06:00.008-04:00

In my day-to-day life, I am a bit of an emotional person. I suppose you could say I wear my heart on my sleeve, which isn't to say I tell everyone what's going on. It's just that when I'm down, people know I'm down, and when I'm up, people know I'm up. They may not know the reasons, but they know at least that I'm feeling something.

Of course, the blogosphere doesn't give one the same luxury, so the only way you guys know if I'm feeling anything is if I tell you, and I often have the bad habit of not really letting you guys know if I'm having negative feelings. Call it an over sized ego, or a misguided attempt to be encouraging to others by not showing when I'm hurting.

To be honest, a large problem of mine is that I really dislike feeling emotions, so by extension I don't like sharing them with others when I can help it. For some reason, I see them as a weakness. Not all emotions, of course. Just the ones that I see as "beneath me," whatever that means. I always try to appear to be strong, together, and on top of whatever is thrown my way. In general, I am those things, despite my fluctuating emotional state, so I might as well be a little more transparent about it.

That's right, dear readers, although the blogger you've come to know and love appears to have a perfect handle on this whole "gay and celibate Christian" deal, he really doesn't feel that way all the time. So let's start talking about that...

I can sometimes get really jealous of couples. Straight couples, mostly (because that's what I most often see), but when I see a happy gay couple, then I get really envious. Oh, and when that happy gay couple is my ex and his current boyfriend (who I actually introduced him to for reasons I can no longer recall) then I can just become a big old fuzzball of green energy (and I'm not talking about ethanol here, folks). You see, usually I keep those feelings of jealousy to myself, because I view them as fickle and "beneath me." Turns out, they're pretty normal and expected, and once I realize that and process through them (and actually end up being happy for couples instead of hating them on sight), then I end up being an improved specimen because of it.

I also sometimes become really fearful and paranoid about my future. I know I'll have a nice job and a steady income, and I'll likely be comfortable. However, I fear that I'll lose all my friends. That no one will call on me and that for some reason people will automatically despise me when I'm outside of a college environment. That's right, I fear abandonment and depression, and turning into that guy who chokes on a TV dinner and no one finds his body for a week. Oddly enough, though, I shared this fear with a random friend of mine today, and I was glad I did. Turns out she has the same fears, and this is one of the most social and well-balanced people I know. So I guess fears of loneliness are also pretty ordinary. Not only that, they're also without logic. I have a great many friends and I have a feeling that they'll stick around.

Also, I can sometimes get pretty angry at God. I question why it feels like I've been asked to give up what most other people take for granted. I ask why the kind of relationships I want are the kinds He firmly says "no" to. And I often don't hear answers. So I get mad. I can get really mad. If I'm supposed to be in a relationship with God, you could say that I can get angry enough with Him that I make Him sleep on the couch. And He usually obliges, to the point where I can't feel His presence and I desperately seek Him.

So there you have it. I'm not as together as I always present myself on my blog. I get jealous, I get paranoid, and I get downright angry. And yet through all this, I'm okay. Even when it feels like God isn't anywhere around, and I don't know why I go through the things I do for Him, I still do them. Maybe that's a sign of insanity or something. I really don't know. Either way, I'm tired of putting up the "tough guy" image. I don't think my emotions make me weaker. In fact, I don't think it's wrong I have them. I just have to make sure that I keep them in place and recognize them for what they are: feelings. Feelings that change with every new day. They aren't worthless, and they aren't anything to be ashamed of, but they aren't anything to dictate how I live my life, either.

I hope the image of a guy who has all these feelings and yet still manages to win his spiritual battles (more or less) is a more encouraging one than the image of a guy who's winning without really trying. I think it is, at least, which is why I finally decided to share this baggage here. Hope you're all doing well. I know I am. It feels good to get some stuff off my chest.

Going It Alone

2008-09-04T15:19:00.003-04:00

I usually am better about updating my blog when a new month rolls around. Sorry this has taken a while, but life has been hectic recently, especially considering that Tropical Storm Hanna has her eyes on the Carolina coast, and Ike and Josephine appear to be right behind her. I've had a lot of work to do when it comes to helping prepare my school for the possibility of a mandatory evacuation, so I've been a little stressed.

Still, I've been wanting to blog. I've had a list of different topics to write about and I thought I'd go ahead and try to knock one out, so here goes. I read this article by Debbie Maken in the Boundless webzine a month or so ago, and I really had some problems with it. I suggest reading the whole article, but if not, my best summary of it is that Mrs. Maken wants Christians to "rethink the gift of singleness."

In other words, she seems to take on the attitude that the Church isn't hard enough on people who "prolong the single years." I could start, I suppose, by asking what church she is attending, because as far as I know the idea of people being content, holy, and single for long periods of time is a pretty new one for Christians... and most still haven't caught up with it.

Mrs. Maken goes on to talk, somewhat favorably, about how singles were viewed and treated in the 1950s, mentioning how bachelors were seen as "eccentric" or "late bloomers" and unwed women were pitied as "old maids." I'm not sure how much we've moved beyond that, to be honest, though I can see where Mrs. Maken is coming from when she mentions how the Church is getting to be more understanding and kind towards singles. The only problem, of course, is that she doesn't really see it that way. She thinks a healthy dose of '50s shame is what churches need to get their singles in line. I can't say I agree.

Look, I understand that marriage is important. I really, really do. And I will agree with Mrs. Maken in that someone who has all the opportunity in the world to marry, but doesn't out of fear of responsibility or something equally trivial, might need to put themselves back in the game just a little. However, I disagree with her strongly when she says that the "supernatural removal of sexual desire" is the only reason one can remain single. For one... does that even happen? I don't think so.

Two, she calls this "supernatural removal" celibacy. Any person with a dictionary can see that celibacy has nothing to do with desire and everything to do with behavior (and, specifically, the lack of sexual behavior). Lack of sexual desire is called asexuality, and I don't think that's supernatural. Anyway, I think anyone who feels called to singleness, for one reason or another, should have the freedom to pursue that calling without being judged. Period.

I personally take great pleasure sometimes in the thought of going it alone. I've always been a bit more of a loner by nature and, though I sometimes fear total abandonment, I can get by with much less social interaction than your average guy. I think this gives me some unique abilities when it comes to potential for service and travel.

It's certainly not out of fear of responsiblity that I'm pursuing singleness. It's because I really feel that that's where I should be, based on my circumstances. I'd rather be single than force myself into a marriage I don't want (and due to my homosexuality, wouldn't be able to fulfill properly), simply to satisfy others around me. Will this desire for singleness change when I'm older? Possibly. Of course, Mrs. Maken seems to imply that if your'e a young single Christian, you need to get married right away.

What I find funny about that particular line of thinking is that later on in the article she quotes C.S. Lewis, a man who didn't marry until he was 58 (and in the 1950s, no less, so there goes the "later bloomer" argument as well). Lewis was married for a short four years, after which his wife, Joy Gresham, died of bone cancer. Lewis had been single for his entire life before that.

I don't think any Christian nowadays would say that he was "immature" or not fulfilling his Christian obligations by remaining single, although he certainly didn't have the excuse that Mrs. Maken would have wanted for a man in his position (i.e. he wasn't a monk and there's no indication he was asexual). So maybe she just needs to take a look back and realize that some of the best Christian thinkers and leaders of our time didn't have the perfect little marriage thing down the way she thinks they should have.

Odds And Ends

2008-08-29T14:19:00.004-04:00

Well, I'm about to go home for Labor Day weekend, which means this crazy month of August is about to come to a close. I've now officially gone to at least one meeting of all my classes, and I must say when I look at everything I'm going to go through this semester, I'm a little nervous. Granted, that's how I feel at the start of every semester, so I'm sure I'll end up okay, but still... I'm just going to have to rely on God if I want to balance my academic, professional, spiritual, and social lives.

Oh, there are also a few updates going on in my family. My brother and his wife had their second child, an adorable little girl. This is also their second daughter; the first is three. Their first little girl looks a lot like her mother, but I think my new niece looks a lot like my brother, her dad. I saw her last weekend when she was born, and I hope to see her again this weekend.

I also have a prayer request. Recently, a close friend of mine became very ill and is taking the semester off to recover. She's a sweet girl and I'm going to miss her. She lives out in the Midwest so I doubt I'll have a chance to visit her. Just pray for her healing and her family as they take care of her this year.

Those are about all the odds and ends I have, although I suppose I should say that I wasn't really interested in this year's presidential race before, but now that John McCain has picked Sarah Palin as his running mate, I think it's definitely interesting. Either way, we will have our first African American president or our first female VP. And I'm also liking Palin's record on economic and social issues. She may not support same-sex marriage, but she did at least veto a bill that would block giving health benefits to the same-sex partners of public employees, so that's admirable of her. If I'm not mistaken, that made Alaska one of the first states to extend benefits to such partnerships amongst state employees. Pretty impressive for a Republican, huh?

Dreams Of New England

2008-08-24T22:17:00.007-04:00

I've written before in detail about how I worry about the future. I've also written about how I make up random and elaborate plans for the future. I usually see this as a bad thing, or a sign that I'm not trusting God enough with my life. That may be true when it comes to the worry, but I don't think it's always true when it comes to the plans.

Now, I'm using "plans" here in a very relative sense. I'm not actually putting it on my agenda and really going for these goals. They are more like carefully-researched dreams. I think about them, and instead of leaving them in the realm of half-baked ideas, I decide to do a little research to make them more real. Usually they revolve around places where I want to live instead of jobs I want to do or exotic destinations I want to travel to. Yeah, most of my dreams are mundane.

I'm stuck in North Carolina for four years after I'm done with college (or graduate school, if I decide to do that immediately after college). It's part of my teaching contract which is paying for my education right now. After that, though, I'm kind of itching to get out of the state. Don't get me wrong, I think North Carolina is great. In fact, I love it, and if you're looking for a good state to move to, I highly suggest it.

However, I just want to be somewhere else. I've planned to live in Seattle before, and also Dayton, Ohio and College Station, Texas. Currently, my dreams lie in New England. To be exact, I think I want to live in Vermont. There are few reasons for this. For one, even though I live in what I like to call the Los Angeles of the Carolinas, I'm really a fan of colder weather. Autumn is my favorite season, and I'm also a fan of small towns and villages. Vermont's largest city, Burlington, is the size of my home town, which isn't even in the top ten of North Carolina's biggest cities.

Now, granted, I've never visited Vermont (or New England at all). But I have friends and family who live there or have visited and they all sing its praises. Looking at pictures, it really is special. In North Carolina, you have to live at the mountains or the beaches to get beautiful scenery. A lot of Vermont just looks unspoiled and crisp, and I like that. So yeah, right now when I picture my adult self, I see him as a Southern guy living in the small town of West Rutland, Vermont. Why West Rutland? Because even Burlington is too big for me right now.

I just picture myself teaching at West Rutland's high school (which, yes, I've also researched), and eventually (once I've published some fiction), teaching at Castleton State College, which is pictured above and is nearby (I looked it up on Google Maps). And of course I don't just imagine myself in this weird dream future. I think right now I would like to adopt three children (if I'm married or partnered or whatever, I don't know. That never enters my future plans because I really do leave it up to God).

Now, I'm not the kind of parent who would plan my children's lives for them ahead of time, but... I have kind of imaged that my oldest son would attend University of Vermont, my middle child (a girl) would go to Johnson State College, and my youngest son would go to Vermont Tech. Yes, I know I'm crazy and need to find something better to do with my time.

Maybe if my desire to live in New England doesn't die down in six years, I'll make it there. I got to settle down somewhere and somewhere far away from home doesn't bother me at all. Of course, the other dreams about where I'll work and how many kids I'll have (and where they'll go to college) are not very likely, but hey, that's why they're called dreams.

I promise I'll have less of a rambling post and get back to gay/ex-gay stuff soon. Right now I just feel like going off on tangents, and what would this blog be if I didn't just do what I felt like doing? Take care, everyone!

Whew!

2008-08-18T11:41:00.003-04:00

First of all, I have to apologize for my un-announced absence here. I'm not sure if I already mentioned this on the blog or not, but I am a Resident Assistant (RA) in one of the residence halls this year (it's actually an apartment building, but it's on campus so all the same campus rules apply). The past two weeks have been taken up by RA training and preparations for Move-in Day.

Basically, I've been getting up at ungodly hours of the morning, listening to seminars about topics ranging from diversity to how to use a fire extinguisher. Not to mention I've been kept up at ungodly hours of the night, working on "team-building" with my co-RA's and planning a skit for the roll-call competition at the end of the training week. It's been one heck of a time.

Despite the daunting training sessions, I really think I'm going to enjoy being an RA. Right now I'm simply drained from the past two weeks (and classes start Wednesday... yikes!) However, I think once I get into the routine of everything I'm going to like having that type of structure. Yes, I have a lot to do. Not only do I have the normal duties of walking the halls of my building and writing people up (I was up till 3:00 AM the other night breaking up a game of beer pong), but I have to plan both several educational and social programs to get my residents involved on campus. That will most likely be a futile effort, but hey, it will give me something to do.

Of course, I'm not just an RA. I'm also now an upperclassman, which means that my classes are becoming a bit more focused and involved. I'm also involved in what seems like 10,000 different student organizations, so I have lots of responsibilities and events in those areas as well. Somehow in all of this I want to read, work on my latest writing project, and find quiet time for God and Christian fellowship... oh yeah, and I want to blog too.

I'm used to feeling tired and involved. When I worked for my summer camp or the Duke TIP program, I was constantly doing something and I felt great about it, even though parts of it were draining. It's just the first year that my activity levels in college are so high. I fear that my days of endlessly roaming the blogosphere or Youtube are now gone, and that, you know, I'll actually have to do something every day.

Everyone knows those really involved kids in high school or college that somehow get everything done and seem to get it done perfectly. They always seem very perky and capable. Now that I know some of those kids personally (and now that I am one), I know that many struggle hard to keep their head above water, but at the same time there's something very rewarding about being involved. Or maybe it's just the fact that if you're one of the kids who doesn't drink, party, and likes to live on campus, it's your best gig.

Like I said, I hope to keep up the blog as much as possible this year, even though I'm doing a lot. I'm sure I'll have many great stories and experiences I'll want to share. My blog is, after all, two years old... and that means that it (like my college experience) is half-over. I hope the next two years are as awesome as the last.

Oh, and I was also recently pleasantly surprised that I made #49 on the list of "Top 100 Christian Relationship Blogs" according to the blog Christians Do it Better (nice name!) Thanks guys! Go and check it out.

My Hope

2008-08-04T23:39:00.004-04:00

I like Wendy Gritter, and I like New Direction. She's a sweet and Christ-focused woman and I think New Direction is one of the most Christ-centered ministries for people that deal with same-sex attraction. I was upset when I read her recent blog post about a colleague that has been claiming New Direction "doesn't offer hope anymore."

Now, I'm not going to refute that statement here. Ms. Gritter has already done extremely well with that in the linked post, and I highly suggest you read it. I will offer my own personal story, though. I've never been involved with New Direction (sadly, I'm not Canadian), and the only contact I've had with Ms. Gritter is through comments on her blog. However, I think out of all these types of ministries, New Direction's philosopy most closely resembles my own, and even I have been accused, in a round-about way, of not having enough hope.

Usually when someone makes that kind of snarky remark about hope, what they mean to say is that I'm not falling over myself in an effort to be straight. I'm comfortable and happy as I am. I'm not comfortable with my sins or my temptations, mind you, but at the same time I'm not stressed about how I dress, or how I talk, or how I express my emotions, or whether or not a pretty young woman turns my head. The way some of the ex-gay ministries talk, you'd think that a "normal" heterosexual existence with a dog, yard, and three kids was a Biblical mandate.

Quite simply, it's not. Ms. Gritter mentioned how her critcs said they saw heterosexuality as part of God's redemption plan. "Everyone is on a journey towards heterosexuality," they said, "but some people only go a little way down that road." That's their excuse for the same-sex attracted men and women who don't experience change in their attractions (which I would say is most likely the majority of SSA folks). Oh sure, accoding to them we're not sinning by being content celibates, but we're not whole either. We haven't completed our "journey towards heterosexuality."

I got a little mad when I first read that, but then it saddened me. It saddened me to know that there are people who would sell out Christ for something as fleeting as human sexuality. Sure, heterosexuality is a beautiful and God-given gift, but it won't last forever. There will be no marriage in Heaven, and thus, no sex. We'll be in such perfect union with God there will be no need for any other kind of union. So I feel saddened for people who think we are on a "journey towards heterosexuality" instead of a journey towards Christ. I feel even more saddened by those in these ministries who aren't experiencing change, and thus are made to feel like they've only gone "a little way down that road." Sure, they're denying themselves and taking up their crosses and following Christ, often leaving behind years of a lifestyle that they no longer think is right yet still having to deal with the emotions it left behind, but of course they aren't whole. They've only gone "a little way down that road." Give me a break.

Our hope is not in anything on this Earth. Nothing. Not our family, not our friends, not a spouse, not children, not jobs, money, cars, trips, pets, not anything. Our only hope is Christ crucified. Crucified for our sins, receiving wrath so we don't have to. Our hope is the cross. So I have to give an "Amen!" to Ms. Gritter when she says, "How can you say we're not offering hope - when we're offering people Jesus?" That's right. How can you?

Look, it's not easy living without sex, but it's not the hardest thing in the world. No one's asking me to renounce my faith or be imprisioned, or even killed. I'm not being asked to go through the painful process of giving up drugs or alcohol. All I'm asked to do is keep it in my pants and make sure my appreciation of Pete Wentz stays strictly that - appreciation (and yes, I think Pete Wentz is cute, and I even like Fall Out Boy's music. Pick on me all you want).

Maybe some day I will meet a woman who will rock my world, both spiritually and physically. But she won't be some trophy wife to show how much I've "changed." I know I've changed. Sure, you might not ever be able to see some flashy example of it. What can I say? Obedience and belief aren't that impressive-looking. Nor are they what people really want when they try out Christianity. But if they really want Christianity, it's what they'll get, because that's what real change is. I was once dead but now am alive, because of my faith in Christ. I once wouldn't have even considered all this crazy "dying to self" stuff, but now, even though it's difficult and even somewhat frightening, I do it with joy. If that isn't "change," I don't know what is. If that isn't hope, then I don't know what is. And I'm willing to offer that hope to people, and I think Ms. Gritter is as well.

It's a journey of sanctification, not towards heterosexuality. True, I'm only a little way down that road, but the good part about that is that every other living believer is as well, and I can take that journey with them without feeling like less of a Christian, and we can look towards our only hope together.

The Whimsical And The Profound

2008-08-01T23:17:00.008-04:00

Well, it's a new month, and I for one could not be happier. Two of my roommates have moved into my apartment, so the whole loneliness and boredom thing I've had going on has come to a close. It was a good period of relfection and I will make sure to make more "me time" in the coming year, but too much just wasn't working for me. I mean, can you believe I really made a list describing in detail what I would do with the rest of my life? See the post before this one. I sure can't believe it.

Since it's a new month, I've also updated my book and music lists so you can get more a glimpse of my eclectic tastes. I'll warn you that the Little Jackie song has some mild language, but surely nothing you've never heard before and I doubt it would even get censored in the radio edit (if a radio station around here would ever have the taste level to play Little Jackie, that is... if I hear this Jonas Brothers song played again I'm going to hurt someone).

My post tonight is more or less fluff. I have some deep stuff planned but I thought it would be fun to reveal a little more about my literary tastes. I just finished reading Kazuo Ishiguro's Never Let Me Go, which was last month's Book of the Month on my blog. It was very good, and also very deep. I won't reveal the plot but it raised many questions, and it spoke straight to the heart of how we remember things, and how our memories influence our future relationships in particular. It was very nuanced, very precise, and very well-thought out by its author. I thoroughly enjoyed it.

You'll notice that this month's two books seem much less profound. They are children's books. The first is The Phantom Tollbooth by Norton Juster, a book I was forced to buy at metaphorical gunpoint by a friend of mine who is another future English teacher. It seems I offended her by not having read it before, but I'll admit I've always heard it was good and it looks like a fun read. The other is a little more "old school"... Rudyard Kipling's Kim. I found a lovely (and cheap) hardback edition among the musty piles of literature in a local used book store (one of my favorite places to be, by the way). It's a classic and considered Kipling's masterpiece, so I figured I'd give it a read.

A lot of adults seem to consider themselves "above" children's literature (unless it's Christian allegory... *cough* Narnia *cough*). I've always had a soft spot for it. For one, I consider myself a fantasy novelist, and children's literature usually goes hand-in-hand with whimsy. I know that if Hell decides to freeze over and my first novel, Whaler, gets published, it will most likely fit into the children's literature genre, and that's just fine with me. I'd be honored to join the ranks of Madeleine L'Engle, Lois Lowry, Avi, Lloyd Alexander, and the host of other novelists whose works make a more profound statement than anything the popular novelists (or the pretentious unpopular ones) could come up with.

That's the thing about children's literature. Sure, it's often simple. The books can be short, the dialogue less cumbersome and the words a little less challenging to one's vocabulary... but it's that simple format that, to me, allows those books freedom to get their point of view across clearly. Lois Lowry's The Giver was not a hard read, and you knew exactly what she was trying to say about the special and fragile nature of humanity when you read it, but that didn't take away from the fact that it packed a punch. It's a little known fact, but the whimsy and oddness of L. Frank Baum's The Wizard of Oz was actually a veiled political message about the United States at that time, and what critic hasn't found deeper psychological underpinnings to Lewis Carroll's Alice in Wonderland? Perhaps the profound is simply easier to see when placed next to the whimsical.

So basically that's what I'm getting at here. I love children's literature not because it's simple or easy to take in. Quite the contrary. The writers of that particular genre usually don't beat around the bush when it comes to making their point. To go a step further, I'd say the writers usually actually have a point that goes beyond being "different" and "edgy" and not using correct punctuation or grammar for no reason (Cormac McCarthy, I'm looking at you). They have something to say, and I don't think it's strange that when we think of classic literature, often we think of books that were originally intended for children or younger audiences. The themes last longer, and so the books do.

Well, now you've learned a bit more about my literary tastes. What are yours? I know I ranted here, but I don't really mind if you don't like children's literature that much. We all find meaning in different things, so what kind of genres do you usually go for? Hope everyone has a great day, and God bless.

Time Takes Awhile

2008-07-26T13:46:00.003-04:00

I know it's just been because I've had little to do these past few days, but time has just been going along at a snail's pace. It's a little annoying, especially since I'm more or less just stuck waiting for August when my friends will start arriving in town. I would like the next week to pass quickly, but that does not look likely.

When I'm bored, I often find really unconventional ways to occupy my time. I can doodle a really large, elaborate, radial pattern for over an hour (and throw it away when I'm done), or create a massive spreadsheet on my computer tracking the voting patterns of all the past contestants of Survivor (yep, that's how big of a bored nerd I am). I mean, only so much time can be taken up by reading, writing, prayer, video games, phone calls, and instant messages. Therefore, my somewhat-crazy "bored activities" are a bit of a necessity.

Well, the other day my "bored activity" was to plan out the rest of my life. I know, that's stupid. Lives are pretty much impossible to plan. I did it anyway, though. It was an exercise in imagination. I purposefully chose to make my life mundane... I don't mean boring, necessarily. I just mean "not famous" (as opposed to my earlier post about my glamorous ambitions). I decided to die at the modest age of 72 (mainly because I like the evenness of the number 2060... it just seems like a good year to end on). So, on one side of the page I wrote a list of every year between 2008 and 2060. On the other side of the page, next to each year, I wrote little facts about what I would do that year... where I would be going to school, where I would be working, where I would be living, where I could travel, etc.

What surprised me was how quickly I ran out of ideas, and how much life I still had yet to plan. I mean, 72 isn't that old, but I couldn't really come up with enough stuff to do between now and then. I think, at most, I came up with some fun ideas for graduate school, two high schools I could work at, and eventually a university where I could be a professor. One would think that being a university professor would be an ultimate goal; I mean, any further and my aspirations could start to take the "famous" bent that I had been denying. But I simply couldn't imagine working at one place for a period of 20 years or more. It just didn't make sense to me. No matter how great it was, eventually it would just be "same old, same old." It was at this point that I couldn't understand how my mother had worked her job as an elementary art teacher for 25 years. I would just get so bored.

Perhaps it's just because my whole life, to this point, has been such a broken exercise in time. Everything has been segmented very neatly into concise four-to-five-year periods: elementary school, middle school, high school, college, etc. And it's scary to think that I was pretty much sick of high school after four years. I wanted to move on. I'm pretty sure at the end of college I'll feel the same way. So, will it be possible for me to feel happy at one job or in one town for the usual 10 to 20 years? I'm not so sure.

I guess the passage of time is daunting. I know many people say that our time here is so short, and I'm sure when I really am 72 (Lord willing), I'll be catching myself, wondering where my whole life had gone. But right now, a few weeks seem like such a long time, and a year is forever. You can just get so much done in one year. I don't really understand how people can stay in one place their whole lives. Perhaps having children makes a difference; you can watch them develop and help them grow and let that overshadow whatever stagnation is going on in your life. Children aren't a guarantee for me, though (although I'm pretty sure that, eventually, I will adopt -- I planned to in 2025). For several years, at least, I will have to figure out how to best use my time, and I must keep God's glory at the forefront of that. Perhaps the best thing to do when it comes to reflecting on time (and our own futures) is to keep Luke 12:22-31 in mind and ready to go.

Loudmouth

2008-07-23T13:01:00.012-04:00

I've had a reputation throughout my life for being a loudmouth. That doesn't mean I've always been talkative, because I know in high school I went through several periods of moody, quiet reservation. It's just that when I did talk, it was often in a rather loud and inappropriate fashion. For that matter, it still is.

There isn't much of a filter when it comes to the things I say. If I think it, I say it, and tempering my words can be a bit of a hassle to me. Obviously, no one here would really know this, because the blogging format of communication allows me to edit everything I say to make it sound tasteful and as un-offensive as possible. In life, though, my loose lips have gotten me into trouble. Like I've written before, I was quite the vindictive gossip in high school. A lot of that was because I had a very un-Christian dislike for certain people and I wore that on my sleeve. As Kurt theorized in a comment to that post, that was very likely due to the fact that I was deeply closeted and created countless mini-dramas to avoid real conflict in my life.

But now I'm out of the closet completely, and though I wouldn't say I'm a gossip anymore, I'm still a chatterbox who needs to learn to shut up every now and then. Since my way of talking is so closely tied with my way of thinking, it's been an interesting way to keep tabs of how my thoughts have evolved over time. I don't say things that are intentionally rude to people... I just have a habit of saying very naive things that people take offensively. If that makes sense.

Usually, this is okay. It becomes a joke to my friends and family. "There goes Jay, thinking out loud again." The last job I worked at had a quote board, where the staff could write down funny conversations or one-liners that had happened during the day. By the end of the job, I had a very disproportionate amount of quotes on the quote board... not because I intentionally try to be funny, but because my mouth just creates a lot of awkward situations that are best handled humorously.

There are some benefits to being a loudmouth. I value transparency and honesty among believers, and unfortunately that's hard to come by. Not with me, it isn't! I mean, not to say that I'm the most transparent person out there, but I certainly do wear my heart on my sleeve and I'm not afraid to tell people my views. That's part of the reason I "came out" a lot earlier than most Christian guys do. I first told a close friend at 17, and by 19 I was out to friends and family alike. That's helped me, I think. Although I think people should be aware of their surroundings and mindful of others, I also think that at some point one has to not care what others will think and just speak their mind. Someone who struggles with homosexuality has no hope for contentment if he or she doesn't feel free to share their experiences with other believers. It's awkward, yes, but by now I'm so used to awkwardness that it just rolls off my back.

So there's the balance I'm going for. I want to be transparent and open about my views, struggles, joys, needs, wants, etc. But I don't want to be such a chatterbox that I neglect to listen to others, or I accidentally offend them needlessly. I want to drive out speech that could bring others down, but while still keeping my hyperactive talking habit. It's not that I talk too much, it's that I need to talk about the right things. If as a loudmouth I boldly proclaim Christ, my love for Him, and my love for others (friend, family, or foe), then yay to being a loudmouth!

Solitude

2008-07-21T12:49:00.004-04:00

Hey! It feels like it's been forever since I posted last, and that sucks, because I was trying to be one of those really prominent bloggers who posts, like, three times a week (I've given up hope on being an uber-prominent blogger who posts everyday. I do have a life, you know). What's worse is that I have a ton of things to blog about. I even made a list, which is the kind of thing I never do. Unfortunately I've felt sapped of motivation for a few days.

I moved into my new apartment earlier this week. It's a nice place, very new, and when it rained the other day the whole complex reminded me of the The Cove apartments from M. Night Shyamalan's Lady in the Water (not that I would recommend that movie, by the way, I'm just saying that my view of the pool here looks similar, although I hope it's not the home of a water nymph). My job as an RA has already started, but mostly I'm just checking out summer school students and checking in fall students, and that's about it.

I have to stay on campus when I'm on duty, which is quite often, and many of my friends haven't moved back yet, so I'm kind of on my own. I have two roommates right now who are summer school students, but they are often in class or at work, so I haven't gotten a chance to get to know them very well. Basically, the last few days have been a lesson in solitude.

Solitude is different from loneliness, I think. I've been in touch with plenty of people, both online or by phone, but physically I am pretty much keeping to myself these days. For someone who usually likes to do lots of stuff and be with lots of people, it's a challenge to occupy my time while staying sane (or as sane as I can get!) I've been reading (I'm almost finished with Never Let Me Go, which is an awesome book). And I've been watching old episodes of Project Runway on Youtube (I never saw Season 2 in its original run, but I'm liking it so far... less bitter than Seasons 1 and 3 but more interesting than Season 4).

I'm also trying to get myself spiritually centered before the school year begins. Over the summer, when I'm working, I have a habit of getting out of my spiritual routine... you know, praying, reading the Bible, etc. I think that kind of stuff is important, so the down time is giving me an opportunity to study, reflect, and analyze where my relationship with God is. I guess you could say that my method of spirituality is more analytical. I rely on observations more than emotions, so that takes more time and effort. I'm thankful that I have the time, then.

Of course, for all the upsides of solitude and down time, there are bad sides as well. Oddly enough, when I have all day to do a small number of things, I actually find doing those things rather difficult. There's a lack of motivation or listlessness involved, and I really have to say to myself, "Get your darn butt in gear!" to get stuff done. I can't tell you how many days I've wanted to write a blog post since I moved in, but this is the first day that I actually sat down to do it (even though I've certainly had time).

There's one other little thing that bothers me about alone time, and I think any guy (or gal) who's ever had a problem with pornography (no matter how "minor" or "severe" it was) could relate to. One of the key practical methods of getting over any addiction like that is distraction. I have had a lot of tips and tricks that I've utilized that have more or less worked over the past two years (not saying I've been perfect, but compared to high school, I've been a veritable monk). However, most of them revolve around finding something else to do when I'm tempted -- something else to watch (not on my computer, of course), somewhere else to be, someone else to see, etc. Right now, my options are limited, and my usual tricks aren't there. This could be a good thing, though. I think I'll have the chance to rely more on God alone to fight my temptations. They aren't as strong as they used to be, but I still don't want to give them a foothold.

Anyway, for someone who is really bored, I still wrote a lot. I promise I'll have some good stuff shortly (I mean, really good stuff, like, that requires research and heavy thinking on my part). For now, just let me know how you're doing, and what kind of things you do when you're facing an extended period of physical solitude.

Coming To Terms

2008-07-08T22:45:00.002-04:00

Over the past few weeks, I’ve had several conversations on other blogs and in e-mails about the extremely problematic and increasingly ridiculous subject of labels. To be brutally honest, I’m getting very tired of the whole thing.

I think over the course of the past two years I’ve called myself everything in the darn book: gay, ex-gay, chaste gay, homosexual, Side B, struggling homosexual, same-sex struggler, post-gay, and I think at one point I called myself a “gay monk” to a friend, which he thought was funny. I used to think that these labels mattered, but you know what? I’ve used every single one of those labels even though my basic beliefs and actions haven’t changed over the past two years.

Sure, I’ve made some mistakes, had some struggles, and my opinions have become a bit more evolved, but I really have been the exact same person over the past two years: a regular Christian guy who happens to like other guys, and who is chaste because of his understanding of Scripture and his desire to follow it. I was that guy in the moments when I called myself “ex-gay,” and I was that guy when I called myself “gay.”

Now granted, I know labels can be misleading. I don’t like to call myself “gay” and leave it at that. If I’ve gotten to a point in a relationship where I feel like telling someone that sort of thing, I usually through in “…but celibate” after that particular label, because otherwise it might give them the idea that I’m pursuing gay relationships, and I’m not.

But either way, I’m really not at the point where I want to argue about labels anymore. I’m not alone in this either. Courage Man linked to a great speech by Camille Paglia (one of my favorite writers), in which she expressed her annoyance with being labeled as a lesbian just because she is in a romantic relationship with a woman. She feels that it’s stifling and puts one in a sort of box. I agree. Sexuality labels are stifling, and even people, like Paglia, who aren’t Christians, can think so.

But here’s where it gets sticky. It’s not all about me. I may personally hate labels, but you know what? They aren’t for my benefit in the first place. Whatever theological-theoretical-post-modern ideas we have about language and meaning, the majority of the population doesn’t, so if we’re going to use a bunch of made-up (or simply ambiguous) words to describe ourselves, our ideologies, and our sex lives (or lack thereof) we need to be expressly clear about what we’re trying to say. Otherwise, we’re just going to be confusing people. I think Disputed Mutability wrote it best in a post of hers (which I humbly note that I helped inspire). ;-)

I think this issue isn’t just important in regards to how we represent ourselves to the world (and by “we,” I’m talking about guys who deal with same-sex attraction, which might be the most neutral term out there). It’s also important to us as a community of sorts. Labels have a tendency to split hairs that don’t need to be split. Seriously, let’s say we have a guy who calls himself “ex-gay” and a guy who calls himself a “Side B gay man.” They are the same age, are both attracted to men, both belong to the same denomination and have the same beliefs about Biblical sexuality, and both have been chaste for the same amount of time. They deal with the same struggles and everything. Why would they care how the other labels him when they are leading the exact same lifestyle?

Somehow, though, people (on both sides) do, and it kind of gets on my nerves. Why make distinctions between such phrases as “homosexual desire” and “same-sex attraction?” Why make such divisions over something as malleable as language? I personally don’t care what people call them, as long as they are being honest and frank about where they are in their journey. That’s right, I’m even okay with someone who calls himself “ex-gay” as long as he is expressly clear about what that means for him.

So at this point, to quote a hilarious secretary that I had the pleasure of working with recently, “I just don’t care, man.” I really don’t. I’ll do my best to tell people whom I am without having to rely on these ambiguous terms, and if I do use them, I’ll make sure to define exactly what I mean. I have far too many other struggles to worry about what four-letter word I’m currently using.

Give Me A Break...

2008-06-30T19:53:00.005-04:00

So, I was doing a little research into the Abercrombie brand after reading Ellie's superb comment on my previous post. Unfortunately, I came across this little announcement from Americans for Truth, in which they announced that Abercrombie, Ameriprise, Brinker International, and Walt Disney "promoted" homosexuality.

What makes them think that?

Well, the Human Rights Campaign had announced that those companies had "perfect scores" when it came to their workplace policies for GLBT employees. Now I'm not totally certain what a perfect score would entail, but I'm guessing the main thing would be that discrimination based on sexual orientation would be banned. In my opinion, that's a good thing. No one needs to be fired (or not hired) because of who they sleep with (or heck, who they simply want to sleep with). But I guess Americans for Truth doesn't see it that way.

There is no explicit call in the announcement for a boycott of those companies, but it's pretty much implied. Why else announce it? Now, there might be good reasons for Christians to not shop at Abercrombie; myself and Ellie somewhat outlined them in the last post and subsequent comment thread. However, boycotting a company just because they don't mind if your checkout girl is a lesbian is stupid. You shouldn't mind, either, unless you have the same kind of aversion to liars, fornicators, cheaters, etc. And if you do, you must not get out much at all. That, and you have some serious self-denial issues.

There are appropriate places to talk about the sinfulness of homosexual practice, and they are usually referred to as pulpits. Taking this issue to the workplace, where most people simply want to go, do their job, and collect their paycheck, is reprehensible to me. Not discriminating against gay employees doesn't "promote" homosexuality any more than not discriminating against Buddhist ones "promotes" Buddhism. Am I the only conservative Christian out there that sees it this way? Give me a break, people.

A Bright Side

2008-06-28T10:28:00.004-04:00

The other day I read the post "Sister... show mercy!" on Pyromaniacs, a team blog made up of a group of Reformed bloggers. I don't agree with everything they write, but they usually give me some challenging topics to reflect on. That post was no different. In it, Dan Phillips (who maintains his own blog which I also like... mainly because he often finds and posts some really cool stuff, like this) humbly requests that many sisters in Christ be helpful to their brothers by dressing more modestly. That's a topic that I've never really thought about, but in the comments many Christian men agreed, and related several anecdotes in which bare backs or plunging necklines had caused them to mentally stumble.

On the same day, I read this article by Mike Ensley which was written for Focus on the Family's Boundless web magazine. The actual article was about another topic that I won't get into here, but the opening anecdote in which a provocative ad for men's fashion caused Mike to mentally stumble was interesting to me. The main reason it was interesting was because I thought about the rarity of such provocative displays of male sexuality when compared to that of females.

I guess the rest of this post is directed towards guys who struggle with homosexuality. Both the Pyromaniacs and Ensley posts reminded me that, in some ways, we have things a little easier than our straight Christian brothers. That's because, unfortunately, in our society the female form is on much greater display than the male one (I would go so far to say that it's often exploited). Provocative and sexually-charged images of women are the norm. That's not to say that there aren't provocative images of men (go to an Abercrombie store and you'll see what I mean; as a side note, I don't understand why a clothing store uses models that barely wear any clothing). But women are definitely sexualized more in our culture than men (and I suppose they always have been).

A good example of this is something I was watching recently. I was watching the music video of the song "If I Never See Your Face Again," by the band Maroon 5 with a special appearance by the songstress Rihanna. It's an absolutely great song, and I've linked to it in my new playlist feature on my side bar. The music video is pretty good as well, but I didn't link to it. That's because even though I found the video fine, I think a lot of straight guys who were trying to remain "pure in thought" might have found a problem with it. After all, in the video the handsome members of Maroon 5 are all fully dressed in crisp suit - nice looking, but nothing that would cause me to mentally stumble. The stunning Rihanna, on the other hand, is singing wearing little more than high heels and a skimpy red negligee. She's gorgeous, but I'm pretty sure that kind of image wouldn't really help most straight Christian men, or maybe I'm just not giving straight guys enough credit. ;-)

Now, with the Internet there is plenty of opportunity for anyone of any sexuality to stumble. However, I do think that guys struggling with homosexuality (and I suppose even straight women) have it easier when it comes to day-to-day thought patterns. Men generally don't dress half as provocatively as a woman can. I live in a beach town and go to a college that consistently ranks as having one of the most attractive student bodies (whoever does those rankings has never seen me at 8:00 in the morning, but whatever). Therefore, there are lots of beautiful women walking around wearing very little clothing. Like I said, I've never really cared before. However, I'm sure I have several straight brothers who I'm sure must have a hard time with all the miniskirts and low-cut tops. At least, they would if they are as committed to taking their thoughts captive as most SSA-strugglers are, but that might be another post for another time. :)

So, that's about all the post was about. Holiness isn't easy, and I think a lot of SSA-strugglers view our struggle as harder than anyone else's. It certainly has its own unique traits, but purity is hard for everyone, and for those attracted to women (that means straight men and struggling lesbians), it's probably harder thanks to our culture's exploitation of the female body. Let's just call it a bright side, and as I've written before, I always look for those in this struggle, especially when it seems difficult.

Spiffy

2008-06-25T22:26:00.004-04:00

So, I decided to update my blog's look, hopefully for the last time. I like the green guitar template that I found here for free, and decided to use it. I don't play guitar, but I love music, and hopefully will one day learn to play guitar. Then this blog's theme will be more relevant.

I've also added two new features to the side bar, with a list of songs that I'm listening to right now (and links to the songs on Youtube) and a list of books that I'm reading (I usually try to read more than one at a time, but right now I'm working so that doesn't really work for me). Not to mention my list of blogs and other websites I visit is still there. I used to try to separate that list by what was pro-gay, pro-ex-gay, Republican, Democrat, etc. But by now I've learned that those categories don't really fit cleanly, so the links are just there, and you dear readers can figure it all out on your own by reading all the different stories that I try to follow.

I've also decided to stop cross-posting everything up on my VOX blog. Love VOX though I do, I don't think it gets as much traffic as Blogger, and I don't think there's really any reason to maintain two different blogs now. I also updated my profile picture, my profile information, and a few other things. Tell me what you think, and if you have any ideas for how you'd like to see the content of this blog shaped (i.e. any particular topics that you'd like me to cover).

Hope you're all having a great day, and God bless.

Dancing

2008-06-24T18:37:00.005-04:00

This is one of the most remarkable videos I've ever seen. Granted, the song playing in the background does a lot for it, because otherwise it's just a silly guy doing a silly dance all over the world with lots of different people. But you know what? It's refreshing to see that everyone can be silly, that everyone can dance, and that everyone can smile. It shows that the crooked timber of humanity isn't totally bent, and that we all have a shared humanity and a Creator that loves us and put care into making each of us.

Also, I want to travel as much as this guy has. He's lucky, and you should check out his website to learn how he pulled this off. Till then, my summer program is going well (although the kids can be a hassle) and I can't wait to be back at the beach. God bless you!

Put Up Or Shut Up

2008-06-21T09:36:00.005-04:00

I just realized that in thirty days I will be back at school. No, class isn't starting that early. I'm going to be a Resident Adviser (RA) on campus, in an apartment complex for upperclassmen that opens several weeks before the rest of campus opens. Thus, I have to be on campus about a full month before class begins, training for my new job, but basically not doing a lot.

I've written before about how I like new beginnings. Well, new school years are no different, especially ones (like this upcoming one) that will involve new jobs, new roommates, and a new place to live. I'm really looking forward to next year, because I think it will give me a good opportunity to grow into the person that I want to be, a person who is hopefully also who God wants me to be.

I don't want to say that I've wasted my first two years of college. I know good and well I haven't. My experiences have made me who I am today, and I like that person (and reading back over all my old posts, I've realized just how much these last two years have changed me and helped me grow). At the same time, I feel like I've been a bit too passive. I have a pretty clear image of the man I want to be, and yet I haven't done much work to make myself that guy. This is actually a pretty convicting feeling. I remember when I first made a decision - a serious decision - to quit looking at pornography. I realized that before then, I had just been waiting around, hoping for the temptations to be taken away from me. God doesn't work like that; He expects us to work, and work I had to do (and still have to do) to remain pure in that area.

Basically, I'm trying to change the direction of my life. I feel as I've been coasting up to this point. I know that sounds too melodramatic. I mean, a MySpace page has just about as much depth. But in truth, I've just been getting a bit of a conviction that it's time I "put up or shut up" about certain things. Some of them are sinful habits or thought patterns that don't do me a lick of good and that I've been hanging on to for no good reason other than the fact that I'm used to them (and I'm not necessarily talking about sexuality-related stuff, either).

Some of these things I need to "put up or shut up" on are trivial. Like, I want to write more. Well, that means I need to write. I want to play the guitar. Well, that means I need to practice. I want to be healthier. Well, that means I need to get off my butt and get to the gym (that might be the hardest one, by the way. Even when the ever-so-handsome Hitch invited me to go work out with him while we were together I always found a way out of it).

And some are less trivial. I want to be pure? Well, I need to work on purity instead of just sitting around, hoping that God strikes me with lightning and makes me a perfect Christian man for whom chastity isn't a problem (does such a man even exist?) I want to be firm in my faith, able to defend it against my own insecurities, and not subject to as many doubts and flights of fancy? Well, I need to actually read some good theology books instead of just reading some snippets on blogs online. Oh, and "putting up or shutting up" in terms of reading the Bible (I still haven't read all of it) would also be a welcome change.

So, basically I have a bunch of resolutions for the school year. These aren't anything new, and I very well could fail at one or all of them (but I'm not going to be defeatist this early on in the game). I do know, however, that though my first two years of college definitely weren't wasted, there were some things about them that I'm ready to move on from. Like, I've had a boyfriend, so the constant pining about never having romance in my life is out the window (especially since I learned that romance in itself isn't what I really wanted anyway). Also, by now I have a great set of friends and family who love me (and who I love), so the constant self-centered and annoying worries about loneliness also need to go out the door. And like I said, these things won't happen on their own, but I have a great conviction that if I "put up or shut up" about them, things will change for me.

All in God's will and timing, though. I must remember that, as well.

Strengths And Weaknesses

2008-06-16T09:31:00.005-04:00

Hey everyone! Sorry I haven't updated this thing in a while. I think I mentioned this in an earlier post, but I'm currently working at a cool summer program at a university in North Carolina. It's really, really awesome. The kids (well, I guess they're teens) arrived yesterday and settled into the dormitory. This is a slightly different experience from the summer camp work that I did last summer. There isn't as much constant activity going on: no canoes or sailboats or archery lessons. Instead, the students have a lot of free time in which they can just hang out, and I have to admit I really enjoy hanging out with them.

There is a bit of an egotistical involved with working with kids. I almost forget what it was like to be in junior high, but I know for a fact that that's an age where every kid wants to be older. High school students are, by default, the coolest thing ever, and if that scale continues, then college students like myself must get a ton of bonus cool points. It's nice to know that you're being looked up to just because of something like your age, but then again that only lasts for so long. I'm going to have my group of guys for three weeks, and in that time I need to show them that I'm someone to be respected, but not necessarily befriended (that's the tricky part about working with kids, in that they really need to be bonding with their peers, not you).

Junior high and high school are also a tricky age, because even though you want to show yourself as superior to your students, they very well may be better at you in certain things. For example, I am wretched at basketball (or any kind of activity that requires excessive amounts of coordination, like good dancing). Still, my guys wanted to play. I couldn't say no, of course, so we played. And I got stomped. Hard.

But I shrugged it off. I couldn't apologize for it or make an excuse; I'm just not a big fan of basketball, and I assured them that even though they might win on the court, if we went to the cross country course there would be a different outcome. :) The point is, I at least showed them I was interested in what they were doing and wanted to bond with them. I think it's important for any person working with kids to own their faults (and even be confident in them). Laughing off your ineptitude is the best way to do things, I think. If you make it a joke; it's not embarrassing anymore, it's just another one of your personality quirks. And you don't lose any respect points.

I think this could be said about life in general. It's important to own your weaknesses. You don't really have to be proud of them, but just don't let them get to you. We all have our own strengths, interests, and weaknesses, and that's what makes us unique individuals. I guy who doesn't care for sports is still a guy, and I think he is just as capable of earning the respect of other guys. In fact, I know he's capable, because I fit that bill pretty well. :)

Anyway, this post kind of rambled because I'm tired, but I wanted to post something. I'll try to keep this updated as the summer goes on but I'm not quite sure how much time I'll have. In either case, I hope everyone is doing well! Later!

Futures

2008-06-09T12:54:00.001-04:00

This post isn’t really anything new, since I guess there are only so many things I think about when I’m alone and at home, and I’m sure I’ve written something like this before. Stick with me, though, and maybe I’ll hit some new points. Once again, I’ve been thinking about the future recently… and how difficult it is for me to put it totally into God’s hands. We all have our “problem passages” in the Bible. I’m not just talking about those verses that state certain things we’d like to do are sins, either. There are other commands and bits of advice that we just find really, really hard to take, because they go against our internal natures. For me, the biggest “problem passage” has always been Matthew 6:25-34, which can best be summed up as the “do not worry” passage. That doesn’t sit well with me… at all. I always worry.

More than worry, I always plan. I just have to know what I’m going to be doing tomorrow, next week, next month, next year… I can’t just leave it up to God, even though I’d really like to. That’s probably been my biggest challenge with being celibate. Doing without sex is a challenge, but I’ve done okay with it. I mean, if I can have a very handsome boyfriend for six months and not stumble in that area any more than I did, I think I can do without. I’ve even done okay with the lack of intimacy and closeness, because I have a large group of friends and family to rely on. But those things won’t last forever. College will be done in two years and my friends are already starting to pair off. Eventually we’ll all go our separate ways and they will move on to start families. I’m not jealous or anything, because that’s just what happens, but the prospect does hurt a bit. Even my own family will drift apart as we go through careers and location changes.

As for me… I have no clue what I’m going to do. I’ve written extensively about the benefits of celibacy before… or at least the aspects of it that make it doable. But I’m not quite sure I’ve ever taken that advice to heart. Sex, like I said, is something I can do without. But it’s hard to go through life without someone, especially in a society where everything seems built for sets of two. I guess in the back of my mind I’ve always had plans. They are farfetched and unfeasible plans, but plans nonetheless. Plans that I will meet a nice Side B Christian (male or female) and set up a life with them… plans that I will one day meet a woman that I am genuinely compatible with (physically and spiritually)… even plans that my influence will somehow convince a certain nice Side A man to “switch sides” so that we can go through this together (and we all know how well that plan worked out for me, right?)

Note that I’m calling these things plans, not hopes. Farfetched though they are, my mind just can’t accept that these things won’t happen. When I think of my future, I always see one of my own ideas coming to fruition. It’s not like this is just my problem, either. I think the majority of Christians deal with this. Everyone says they put their future in God’s hands, but they have their own plans for marriage, family, careers, etc. I guess the difference with me is that my plans are so farfetched that I really can’t rely on them, whereas most people can continue being secure in their futures. Maybe that’s a blessing for me. Our little planned futures can be idols; I’ve come to know. If it doesn’t look like you have one before you, then you have to rely on God more, and trust that He will provide one for you. It’s harder, but maybe it’s better that way.

I just have to trust, obey, and let tomorrow take care of itself.

Things That Just Don't Help, People

2008-06-04T08:13:00.004-04:00

I believe in my last post I mentioned how I was bored and at home. Well, I'm not really either anymore! I decided to take a few days and head back down to my college's town to visit all my friends who live here in the summer. Man, I love this town, and also the fact that I have high speed Internet down here! Yay! So I figure that since right now the friend I'm staying with is asleep (and probably will be till noon or so) I should go ahead and blog. So with that, here goes.

It's really interesting, and a little sad, to hear some conservative Christian commentary on the recent decision by the California Supreme Court remove the ban on same-sex marriages. Now, in general, I have to say I disagree with the court's decision. Even taking personal opinions out of the mix here, I feel there was little legal basis for their decision and it went against the will of the people of the state of California... not to mention that their decision to allow same-sex marriage, but not allow plural marriage, sounds more like a "because we say so" than anything else. There didn't seem to be any logical sense to how they could remove one of the prerequisites for marriage (opposite genders) but not another (two people), and they didn't take time to bridge that logical gap. They just said so. I'm not usually a fan of the slippery slope argument, but let's face it, the court left themselves pretty wide open here.

But anyway, that's not the point of the post anyway, so before any of you decide to throw chairs at me, hear me out (especially if they are nice chairs). I have been increasingly saddened by the seeming inability of many Christian commentators to talk about this issue with grace or concern for homosexuals. I think one podcast by James White brought it home for me. Yes, there were plenty of good points made about the sinfulness of the sins involved, and the missteps that the court took in order to reach its decision. But still, I'm just frustrated... is there no way to talk about those things without having to resort to idiotic statements? I can't tell you how many faulty statistics and assertions I've heard around the Internet (i.e. "gays don't want marriage," "they have multiple partners a month," etc.) And don't get me started on broad, over-reaching, and unflattering (not to mention largely untrue) statements like "gays are selfish" or "gays are trying to destroy America." Seriously, it just blows my mind that Christians are still talking like that. It makes the ignorant hiccups (like references to "deciding to be a homosexual") really pale in comparison (though they are no less annoying, I've found).

Is it really too hard to imagine that commentating on things like same-sex marriage might actually be a good opportunity to reach out to homosexuals? I mean, the two just seem to go hand-in-hand to me, because Lord only knows how many gay men and women read and/or listen to these commentaries. But how can you reach out to a group if you lie about them, and just assume that the worst statistic you've read about them is true? How can you reach out to a group if you haven't taken any time to know where that group has come from? Choosing to have homosexual sex is one thing, but no one decides to be a homosexual, and hearing that little nugget is enough to turn people off (even people like me, who are conservative), because it shows that we're just not being listened to. I mean, it really makes me wonder if they actually care. I can't think of any other sin (short of murder, perhaps) that so many Christians just don't seem to be able to be gracious about.

It's especially sad when a lot of this commentary is coming from writers, like James White, that I really respect and who are usually a breath of fresh air in terms of their thoughtfulness and intelligence (especially when compared to other Evangelical commentators). I was at least hoping for some effort to reach out to homosexuals in that podcast, but nope, nothing. Even if the effort had been wrapped in bad, NARTH-style jargon it would be better than nothing. It would at least show that they, you know, care about us. It's frustrating, I guess, but it also makes me reflect and wonder if there are any sins or struggles that I am callous about. Is there any group that I am unsympathetic to? Are there any people whose actions I rightly know as sin but who I nevertheless fail to reach out to out of my own prejudices? I can't be a total victim here, because usually the things we dislike in others are mirrored in ourselves. If I can see what doesn't help when witnessing to homosexuals, maybe I can use those things to see what doesn't help when witnessing to others.

Christ's peace to you,
Jay

Brothers

2008-05-29T14:03:00.001-04:00

This is a long one, mainly because I’m at home and have nothing else to do. Enjoy!

This past weekend I had the opportunity to spend some time with my parents, my brother, his wife, and their daughter. It was really a great weekend. My brother, Rusty, is a very busy guy and we’re often separated by both distance and our own schedules, so it’s nice to get to spend some time with him. I used to see him all the time. Even after he moved away from home, he still worked at the high school that I attended, so I saw him every day and he was right there with me as I grew up. Because of this, we’re incredibly close. He’s much older than me, so in a lot of ways he’s like a second dad, and that makes me feel very blessed to have these types of mentors and guides around.

My close bonds with both my father and brother are mainly what has turned me off to the assertion that homosexuality is caused by a stunted or immature sense of masculinity. These guys have always supported me. I take the bonds I have with them, as a son and a brother, very seriously. I’ve always been assured that I was a man, even though I’m more artistic and gentler and stereotypically “feminine” than most guys. They’ve always been there for me. In fact, on the list of people that I felt comfortable “coming out” to, my brother and father were right at the top. Even after I’ve come out, they’ve continued to support me. It hasn’t changed our relationship at all, and in fact we’ve grown much, much closer.

Still, I am the youngest son and the little brother. I don’t mind those roles, of course, and I couldn’t help them. At the same time, it’s a little irritating to be the smallest. I don’t consider myself immature, nor do I see my sense of masculinity as such, but I still am young and so I still need advice and support every now and then. It’s nice to know that people have my back, but every now and then I want to know that I can have someone else’s back, and more importantly, that someone else needs me to have their back. Yes, I have my father and brother’s backs, but let’s be honest here: they don’t need my advice or opinion on much, since usually that type of advice is shaped by what they’ve raised up in me.

So, among my friends I’ve usually seen myself as a “big brother” type figure. I try to be the guy that has other people’s backs, who can spout off good advice and that people can come to when they just need someone to talk and listen. I think some people add this to my somewhat “feminine” nature and think that I’m being motherly, which is fine by me because it’s led to some good jokes on my friends’ part, but it’s not what I’m going for. I have a natural urge to care and look out for people, because I’ve always been cared and looked out for and I want to give that back. I just want to do it in a way that is distinctly brotherly. I think that requires a bit more personal space than mothering done. A brother looks out for you, but mainly he only does it so you can look out for yourself. This is also, incidentally, I think one of the main reasons I want to be a teacher.

Being a generally brotherly figure is something I try to do, then, but I didn’t think anyone would notice. Most guy friends are seen as being brotherly anyway, even when they’re being friends to girl (I have a lot of sisters out there, I guess). I was surprised, then, when one of my close friends recently took to calling me “brother” and “big bro.” Usually, the only person I address as “brother” is my actual brother, Rusty. He calls me the same as well (in English or in Spanish, which is kind of a weird quirk we have). It’s kind of an exclusive term, to the point where I don’t usually like when other guys call me “bro” (even in a Christian setting. I know we’re all spiritual brothers out there, but come on now).

Anyway, this friend is named Shane (well, not really, but for the purposes of anonymity he will be). He’s not the kind of friend that I would have expected to have. He lived in the dorm where I work, so that’s how we met. He’s a Buddhist, and also gay. We don’t really have much in common, but we became friends anyway. I was dating Hitch when we first started getting to know each other, and through that situation I explained to him my views about sexuality, religion, and celibacy. He didn’t agree, of course, but he was respectful (I’ve found that to be the case with most gay guys, actually. It’s a lot of my Christian guy friends who have problems for some reason). When Hitch and I broke up, he was there for me, even though I was doing okay and realized that dating Hitch probably wasn’t the best decision I could have made to start with (even though I don’t regret it because it taught me a lot of important lessons).

Now Shane had had a pretty rough year that year, mainly because he, like so many other freshmen, had come to college and decided to be a little too rebellious since he was finally away from home. He made some bad decisions, in both academics and relationships, and through it all I tried to give him the best advice I could, while being there to help him when he stumbled. It’s not quite the same situation as helping a Christian friend, because a lot of the beliefs and views are different, and thus solutions are also different. But still, I did what I could, and always showed him that I was there for him if he needed me.

We’ll be roommates in my apartment next year, and it should be interesting. Shane says I can be a little annoying sometimes, but he says he knows I care, which is why he started calling me “brother.” I call him the same thing, and it’s the first guy that I’ve actually felt was worthy of the title. My relationship with him isn’t totally based off helping him, of course, because he can put me in my place quite often as well. I haven’t made any headway into helping him become Christian or renounce gay sex, but I’m really trying to leave those particular things in God’s hands. He knows what I think, so I’m not going to pester him about it. That really would be annoying of me. Just knowing that two people who are so different can call each other brothers is quite a jump in itself, I think. Maybe a brotherly approach is something Christians should use to reach out more often.

Whew, that was long. Peace out, everybody.

20

2008-05-21T13:14:00.003-04:00

Well, I turned 20 Monday. I didn't really celebrate much (I'm not much of a party person, least of all for something as out of my control as the date of my birth). However, it is kind of cool to say I'm not a teenager anymore. It's a little sad too, when I think of it, but I know I wouldn't want to be a teenager forever, so it's nice to say I'm getting to be more of an adult.

Unfortunately, that's about all that's gone on around here for the past few weeks. Home's the same as always: everyone's just taking it easy. I haven't been blogging simply because... well, there's just nothing to blog about. After finishing last school year, though, I can use the boredom in my life, so I'm not complaining (by the way, I got a 3.8 GPA for the semester... not too shabby). Just wanting to let everyone know that I'm still around. If you have anything interesting that you're doing, by all means, leave a comment and let me know. Other than that, God bless you all, and take care of yourselves.

Two Down

2008-05-05T23:28:00.004-04:00

Wow... I finished my last exam today. Now all I have to do is finish up a few little things and pack my belongings, and I'm done with my second year in college. It's very possible that my undergraduate career is half over (of course, it's equally possible that I might become a fifth-year senior; it's pretty common nowadays). Either way, I simply can't understand how time has passed by so quickly.

At the same time, I don't think time has passed so quickly at all. It's weird how two years can see fast and slow at the same time. I think people really over-emphasize the speed at which life passes. Sure, I remember my first day of college like it was yesterday. That, however, was a landmark event in my life, so it's natural it would be etched into my memory a bit more. The same goes with any landmark event, really. I remember lots of things like they just happened.

When I think back on these past two years, and I mean really think about them, they honestly don't seem that fast at all. So much has happened, only a fraction of which has been chronicled in this blog (or in my own handwritten journal, for that matter). It actually kind of amazes me how much stuff has been crammed into these two years. I have learned so much, met so many people, and grown so much that I don't really feel like the same person that I was two years ago.

I've often heard people use the cliche expression "appreciate your time" when talking to me (or people my age) about college. It's a true enough expression, yet at the same time I don't feel that I could do anything other than appreciate my time. I'm here, and this is what's happening, and I have no choice but to appreciate it by simply living. Maybe some people live without appreciating their situation, but for me, it almost comes naturally.

Maybe what they mean is to spend time doing things that you won't regret. I can certainly understand that, but regrets are a tricky business. There are probably many situations that were not good for me over the past two years, yet at the same time they have all helped me grow into the person that I am today, and I like that person a lot. Even though my college experience so far hasn't been completely perfect (nothing ever is), I still am glad for it.

Anyway, all of this is basically just to say that I have been in college for two years. Wow. I have also been maintaining this blog for about that same amount of time as well, and am equally grateful and appreciative for all of you people who (for one reason or another) have been reading. Thank you for everything. I'll be going back home soon, which means I'll be back on a dial-up connection. I still will try to blog, though, and I hope you all have a great summer!

Ryle On Assurance

2008-04-30T22:04:00.004-04:00

It's funny how things just seem to work out perfectly sometimes. I don't know if it's correct or not to say that it's God doing, but often I think that could be appropriate. He really does look after me, in ways that I could never imagine.

For example, earlier this week I was stressing over certain aspects of election, theology, faith, and assurance. Then I just happened to stumble upon this gem of a sermon by J.C. Ryle on an almost equally gem of a blog. I won't really go over it here, because there's nothing more that I could possibly add to Ryle's superb writing style and his insight into faith and assurance. I know that I had had one really long and vague blog post planned, because my thoughts were scatterbrained. But then I read Ryle's sermon, and I really found a selection of his text expressed everything that I've been wanting to say about faith for a while, and in so many less (and more eloquent) words. Take a gander, read the rest, and have a great day everyone!

I believe it ought to be our continual aim and desire to go forward; and our watchword at the beginning of every year should be, “More and more” (1 Thess. iv. 1): more knowledge,-more faith,-more obedience,-more love. If we have brought forth thirty-fold, we should seek to bring forth sixty, and if we have brought forth sixty, we should strive to bring forth a hundred. The will of the Lord is our sanctification, and it ought to be our will too. (Matt. xiii. 23; 1 Thess. iv. 3.) -- J.C. Ryle (1816-1900)

The Trouble With Being Myself

2008-04-25T16:34:00.010-04:00

Yes, the title is from a Macy Gray album (which contains these two amazing songs, among others, so give it a listen).

After several days of working on final papers and one heckuva portfolio, I've had a lot of downtime today. I've basically been enjoying the quiet time, listening to music, reading, and reflecting. Specifically, I've been thinking of the challenges and rewards that face those who try to be completely authentic (or as close to being completely authentic as can be achieved). "Authentic" is a bit of a weighted term, though. I guess what I mean to say is that it is a challenge to truly be yourself, especially in a society that is catering more and more often to the group than to the individual. This post basically follows the same theme of my previous posts about individuality and fitting in, but those were mostly about society's faults in accepting the individual. This is more or less about the individual's choices in being him or herself.

First of all, we have to understand what is meant when people say they are "being themselves." What is authenticity? What kind of people do we think of when we think of the most authentic people we know? Obviously, giving in to every elemental desire is not "being yourself," because convictions and inhibitions are also part of who you are. Also, saying every thing that pops into your mind is not necessarily being authentic, either. Sure, you may be honest, but honesty doesn't exactly have to equal rudeness (this is something I struggle with, by the way).

I personally believe that one of the defining characteristics of a true individual is a disregard for the thoughts and opinions of others. I don't mean a disregard for their feelings, nor do I endorse not listening to logical, thought-out opinions even if they contrast your own. What I mean to say is that if the thoughts and opinions of others influence your behavior in a major way on the sole basis that they are the thoughts and opinions of others (and not because you believe them to be true on your own), then you are lacking authenticity. I think this, personally, is the only way to live and be content. The only One whose opinion I hold as an influence is God. Of course, I am also influenced by people who are also followers of Christ and who care about me spiritually, but even with them I have to make sure that my own understanding of God (if it is Biblical) takes precedence, lest I do things for the wrong reasons. Those wrong reasons could be anything, from wanting to fit in to wanting to appear more different than I actually am. If you change who you are for the approval of people, you are making people into an idol.

But of course, I'm making this sound easy, and it's not. There are many challenges to being an unapologetic individual. One of them is, of course, that you won't fit in as neatly as everyone else, and might even get envious of people who do. But more than that, the temptation to want to hide who you are will also come, and it's hard to deal with. There are definite times when I've felt I should "tone it down" or perhaps not say my opinion just to make conversation go more smoothly. But what's the point of smooth conversation if you can't speak your mind? What's the point of toning it down if you best represent yourself by tuning it way, way up? Maybe I'm sounding a little extreme here, but I'm just starting to realize that being disingenuous really doesn't have any perks. Yeah, life is easier when you don't have to deal with weird looks and arguments and awkward situations, but at least that kind of life is honest. People may not like you if you are who you are, and that can be especially painful when they are people that you wish liked you. I suppose in the end it just takes confidence, and this is where a relationship with God really comes in.

If you know that there is a powerful, loving, merciful, perfect God who loves you just the way you are -- with all your personality quirks, struggles, ideas, feelings, and (most importantly) faith in Him, then how can you hide that person? Wear it on your sleeve -- all of it! Be careful, of course, to not put yourself in harm's way (at the same time, remember that they can only hurt your flesh), but don't avoid subjects -- be they trivial or important -- just because you might be the odd one out. This life only happens once. We are to be lights to the world and represent what God has done in our lives, and keep our focus on eternity when we will finally get the chance to completely be the creations God intended us to be. But how can we represent God and His work if we can't even represent who we are for fear of what others think?

There is a lot of trouble with being myself, and I pray I don't become too arrogant while standing up to that trouble, but I am happy to face that trouble for the rest of my life. If I am true to God and myself, then nothing else matters. This should conclude my posts on individuality for the time being. :-)

Peace, everyone (and yes, that's a picture of me. Can't quite get to the point of showing my whole face online, but at least I'm being myself). :-)

The Question Of Guilt

2008-04-17T16:21:00.004-04:00

Recently, I've been thinking about the concept of guilt and what relevance it has (if any) in our lives as Christians. We've all felt guilty about something at some point in our lives. Usually it's a good thing, because it lets us know what we've done wrong, and gives us some incentive to think about our actions and not repeat them. Other times, of course, guilt can lead to despair and allow us to think of ourselves as worse off than we are. That type of guilt is self-centered, and can lead us away from Christ instead of closer to Him.

It's finding the balance that is the problem. For example, I would really like to feel guilty every time I sin. Often times, I'm sure I sin without even realizing it (like when saying a sarcastic remark that could hurt a person's feelings, or perhaps entertaining some not-so-wholesome thoughts in the back of my mind, or perhaps some other habitual behavior of mine that I don't even recognize as sinful). The guilt could clue me in to what I have done wrong, and give me a chance to repent more earnestly and strive to live more faithfully in the future.

At the same time, I've had the experience of being overwhelmed with guilt before, and it's not very nice. Perhaps for certain sins a lot of guilt is appropriate (mainly sins that hurt others). At the same time, if that guilt makes people unable or unwilling to talk to God and have confidence in the fact that they are, indeed, forgiven for their sins, then it isn't a good thing. Every Christian should be aware of when and how they sin and work against the sin in their lives. However, if the guilt they feel makes them believe that they are unworthy of God's love or are not, after all, saved, then it is not healthy, and needs to be put in check.

That's really all the thoughts I have on the issue. It's just a random musing going through my head. Feel free to talk and discuss. I should be around. Hope you're all having a good day!

Praise

2008-04-11T20:29:00.003-04:00

Today was an amazing day. In fact, the last few days have been pretty awesome. In part, it's because the weather is getting nicer. The first week or so of April was dreadfully rainy and just ugly outside. Granted, we're in a drought down here in the South, so it was very needed, but it still wasn't really nice. I don't do too well in the rain. I don't mind if it's hot or cold, but I need sunshine every now and then to make me feel good. There was no sun for a good straight week, I'd say, and that wore on me. Not to mention I'm still dealing with the break-up between myself and Hitch. I'm really doing fine (much better than most people get when they break up, that's for sure), but it was still weird not having that comfort around. Oh, and I had a literal ton of schoolwork to do. Paper after paper, reading assignment after reading assignment. It really was a lot to take on for a week, and I was so busy I didn't have time for hanging out or working on my own writing projects.

But anyway, the great thing about that kind of stuff is that you know it will end eventually. The assignments, though stressful, were completed on time (well, mostly on time). The rain stopped and the past two days have been absolutely spectacular. Hitch and I went out to dinner last night, just as friends, and it wasn't awkward at all. In fact, I'm confident that I'll remain one of his good friends, though of course only time will tell. I think we'll be better as friends than we were as a couple, simply because our differing beliefs won't be thrown into conflict. I'm genuinely appreciative for his friendship. Also, one of my good friends is coming to my college next year. She came down and I gave her a tour of the campus. Then we hit the beach, and then we went downtown and got ice cream. If that's not a good few days right there, I don't know what is.

It's easy to praise God when things are going well. It's easier to be spiritual when it's nice outside and your homework is done and you have a pleasant weekend to look forward to, free of drama and stress. But now that these wonderful days are here, I feel bad for not having praised God enough when it was miserable outside, when I was stressed out over homework and dealing with a break-up. Yes, I praised Him. I read my Bible and prayed and went to Campus Crusade and church and all that, but my heart didn't sing. Today and yesterday, the days of beauty as I call them, my heart felt like it was just singing Psalm 104 all day long. Constant praise. Constant thanks to God for all that He has given me. I want that more often. I want it even when times are tough (and let's face it, I'm an American college student with a good family, friends, and a warm bed; times are never really tough).

So that's what I aim to do. When things are looking down, I need to praise God for all that I have anyway, because it's a lot more than the vast majority of the people in this world have. Even if I can't find it in my heart to praise Him for that (and I really shouldn't be so spiritually immature), I can at least praise Him for the coming wonders. Rain doesn't last forever. Stress doesn't last forever. Heartache and grief don't last forever. So you praise God for what is to come, for the sunny days and the peace and the companionship of friends and family. Isn't that what praise is all about? Aren't we praising God for allowing us to have that one fine day at the end of everything, when the gloom that was our lives here subsides and we finally get to see the sunny day that is the Kingdom of God? Isn't that why we cry out, "How long?" I guess the same thing can be applied on a smaller scale. The rain stops eventually, but even while it's pouring (in a multitude of ways), we can still praise.

On Being An Individual

2008-04-04T22:28:00.003-04:00

There are many things I enjoy about the generation I am a part of. It is more open-minded, more willing to accept change and those of different viewpoints, more engaging, more creative, more confident, and more diverse. I know many older Christians fear for the young people of this generation, and I will be the first to admit that my age group certainly has its problems. However, when I think about the young devout Christians I know and love, I have the overwhelming sense that when these Christians grow up and start becoming leaders in the Church, the Church is going to rock more than ever before.

At the same time, there is something about my generation that I do not like at all. When I think about it, it is really hard to be an individual nowadays. Sure, we all have our Facebook pages and our blogs, listing every detail of our personal lives and our likes and dislikes. We all know how to dress in the way that best "expresses ourselves." We all have different play lists on our iPods and have neurotic personality quirks that we share with the whole world through a variety of means (for example, it's common knowledge amongst my friends that I don't drink coffee, but still have a fondness for coffee shops). All of this, however, really doesn't mean anything. These individual characteristics that we think make us special are often used to simply categorize and compartmentalize us, and that makes it hard to really have some individuality.

This constant desire to label everything and make it all "nice and neat" is something that really drives me crazy about my generation. I know we often blame stereotypes and bigotry on older generations, but it's not really the case. Just check out any Facebook group: "You might be Cuban if...," "You might be a lesbian if...," "You might be from Boise if...," "You might be a Methodist if...," etc. Then watch all the stereotypes roll. I know it's all done in fun, and sometimes those groups are really funny, but at the same time I think they're indicative of a generation that is fine with individual differences as long as those differences fit within a specific range.

I guess what I'm getting at here is that it's hard to fit in when you live a bit on the fringe like I do. There are no Facebook groups for "guys who are celibate and deal with homosexual attraction although they have reservations about labeling themselves as 'gay' even thought they usually do it for clarity's sake anyway." There are no denominations for "Calvinists who still like the traditions of the United Methodist Church and have an affinity for Catholic Mass as well." There's no ethnic community that describes an "Irish-French-German-English man who might be part American Indian, has an Southern accent with a hint of Outer Banks brogue and speaks in Spanish to his brother." Yet those are things that I am (and before you ask, I don't really speak Spanish well. I wish I could take more courses but my majors don't really allow it).

At the same time, I think a lot of the people who do label themselves are just as unique and don't fit into their labels as neatly as everyone else (or perhaps they themselves) would like them to. It's just strange then, to me, for them to keep the label at all. I've just gotten to a point in my life where I want to be an individual, not a statistic or a label. I don't want to be treated as a demographic, but as a person. That's why I hate it when people like Sally Kern speak out against "homosexuals." They aren't taking people like me into account. Heck, they aren't taking anyone into account except for the promiscuous, unhealthy, depressed people who fit into their statistics and what they think it means to be "gay." Don't worry, I get equally mad when some liberal hotshot starts talking trash about "Christians," all the while revealing how few he or she has actually met.

So I guess it's just a choice to make. I can either not label myself at all and really not fit in with anyone, or I can label myself but make sure I list all the reasons I might challenge people's perceptions of what it means to be gay, Christian, a Southerner, an artist, a writer, a student, etc. It's confusing and it's a little tiresome, and I guess the only real thing I've said in this post about being an individual is that, well, it's not easy. Take care, everyone!