Well, It's Done

As some of you already may know, Hitch and I ended our relationship the other day. It was just shy of six-months long (and trust me, that feels weird, because I didn't know time could move by so quickly!) The details of the break-up aren't really important. The good thing to know is that it went smoothly and it was (more or less) a mutual decision. I knew for a long time (possibly since from the beginning) that the relationship wouldn't last through the end of the year, and I certainly knew that it was a temporary matter.

I had some time to process some emotions before we were officially broken up, and that was good for me. I know a lot of people didn't see a point to our relationship. It was temporary, we both had two different opinions about Godly sexuality, and on those terms we really couldn't work together no matter how well we got along. We did get along well, though. In six months, I can't imagine one time we had an argument. I always wanted to see him when I saw him, and I think the same worked in reverse. I can't think of a single moment where being with him didn't comfort me and bring a smile to my face. In his own words, we had a perfect relationship. It was just doomed. That didn't stop us from enjoying it while it lasted.

Though there were many mistakes and moments of weakness in the context of the relationship (I've written about them before), I can't say that I totally regret it. I really don't. I certainly regret any sins that I committed during the relationship (just like I regret the many sins that I commit daily, from unkindness to laziness), but I also got some Christward things out of it. Hitch taught me that I can be loved and wanted. He helped boost my self-confidence (as any good friend should do), and also allowed me to be a little more emotionally close to someone and vulnerable for one. I usually put on a tough front because I want to seem perfectly okay for everyone. He allowed me to be a little more human, and I'm gonna take that lesson with me to my other friendships.

Also, I don't think I've prayed for another person as much as Hitch. He is a Christian, I know that now. I think (or hope) that being with me helped him strengthen relationship with God, even if he didn't come to the same conclusions about sexuality that I have. He's still going to Mass on Sundays, as far as I know. It's an amazing feeling to pray for someone else's relationship. I can only wish that Hitch eventually has the same relationship with God that I do.

So, the relationship helped me break out of my shell and strengthened my complete dependence on Christ. I had a lot of good memories and - even in the bad times - I think I pulled through okay. Still, it sucks for it to be over. It's a lot like grief. There's nothing I could do to stop it, I had come to terms with it long before the end came, and yet I still feel an amazing amount of hurt and loss. There are things about the relationship that I know I won't ever have again, even if Hitch and I remain friends (which I think we will, once we have time to cool down). For Hitch, he will eventually date again. I doubt I will, though. Men as patient and understanding as Hitch are hard to come by, and it requires one like that to have a relationship with me. Trust me. ;-)

Now I can focus on Christ more fully. I really am thankful for every second of the relationship and that it ended in a way that I can be proud of. I didn't compromise who I was or what Christ has done for me, and I was never asked to. Hitch and I parted with a deep hug and kisses on the cheek. Hopefully he'll still remain a part of my life and I can continue to support him as he grows in his own understanding of Christ, even if it is different from my own.

Thanks in advance for your thoughts and prayers. I love you guys. :-)

Killing Loneliness

If there's one subject that SSA-strugglers seem to write about a great deal, it's loneliness. I suppose when the potential for a spouse and children seems dim, people tend to put a great deal more worry into whether or not they will end up alone. This certainly isn't exclusive to SSA-strugglers. I have several straight friends (my age, even!) who, for one reason or another, worry about ending up alone and unloved. Worrying about loneliness is simply a human problem, and sometimes very bad decisions come out of a desire to simply not be alone (if you've ever known anyone who can't go two weeks without being in a relationship, you know what I mean.)

I've often heard sound Christian advice given to those who deal with loneliness (of all orientations and walks of life.) It usually goes along the lines of, "Let Christ be your companion in lonely times. Let Him fulfill your desires for intimacy." Now, like I said, that's very good advice. When one feels lonely, instead of turning to despair and cynicism, they should turn to the Bible and meditations on Christ instead. That sounds a lot simpler than it really is (trust me, I know!), but if the advice is truly taken to heart, it works. However, there are other ways to let Christ be your companion, and they don't all involve sitting at home with your Bible in hand.

Over Spring Break, I spent most of my time at home. None of my old friends from high school were on break at the time (and I seriously fault the UNC system for not synchronizing the Spring Breaks of its many branches.) My parents were in and out, and remember that I live in a very isolated neck of the woods, about a mile and a half from the main road on an old farm. Needless to say, I was very lonely and bored.

I realized that my grandmother, who has been widowed now for more than a year (from her husband of 60+ years), might want some company. I visited her, and I have to say I really enjoyed the experience. She's a very tough old woman, but she's sad and lonely for the most part nowadays. Yes, she gets regular phone calls and visits from my mother, father, aunts, and uncle, but apart from that she spends her time alone in her old house, attending to daily chores that she's performed for years and years. I can relate to that type of loneliness in some ways, because I've imagined (in moments of fear and doubt) that it could happen to me. However, can I say I've actually experienced it? No. Not at all.

So I visited with my grandmother and tried my best to ease some of her loneliness. At the same time, I found that my own fears and doubts about ending up old and alone were calmed. The thing is loneliness is a fact of life, at least for those who grow old. You have to deal with it, and I think one of the best ways to deal with it is to find others who are also lonely. It's an elementary solution, if you think about it. I'm sure any Christian knows that helping others often helps the helper as much as it helps those that were helped (enjoy that sentence, why don't you?)

But you can't just sit around and wait for people to find you and fill your life. Sure, my grandmother doesn't get out much, but at the same time she's elderly and many of the people that she would visit have passed on. If I'm lonely, however, there's nothing stopping me from calling a friend or family member. There's nothing stopping me from being there for someone else when they need me. Whatever you do, it will be done back to you. So, if you don't want to end up alone and unloved, then you had best get to easing the loneliness of others and loving others.

To be fair, these ideas aren't all mine. Hitch was noticing my slightly reclusive nature and, frankly, was getting a little annoyed by my constant worries about the future. There's only one future, though, and that's the one I make. I can't whine about being lonely when I'm sitting home alone, unwilling to go out and visit people. He was right there, and I hope to take his advice to heart and spread it around. Take care, everyone!

I'm Baaaaaack!!!

And with a new theme, to boot! What do you guys think? Did you miss me?

I have to say my Lenten fast went rather well... Granted, I cheated several times, but the point of the fast wasn't some legalistic endeavor to stay away from cyberspace. It was more or less a chance for me to let go of some things that were tying me down to a certain extent. I had become so wrapped up in an online social world that I forgot about the one that was right next to me! The Internet will always be there. College won't, so I figured I had to try and live a little more.

I had a wonderful time and a great Spring and Easter Break. I spent time with my family and friends, and in general the past 40 days have felt very good. Like any other season, there have been trials and struggles and sins and mistakes... and it's been kind of liberating for me, not feeling obligated to write about them all here! That being said, I'm glad to be back now, and I have plenty of things to write about.

I just have to figure out what I'm going to say now. Over Lent, I had several nice meditations about family, loneliness, calling, marriage, the Church, and the creative process (by the way, I'm starting a new novel. Asher of the Desert, love it though I do, is on indefinite hiatus). I can't wait to start putting my pen down some more and speaking my mind. A little silence was good for me, but that's only because I can now contrast it with my voice.

Hope you all are well, and still realize that I'm around despite the break. Comment and say hi, and tell me what (if anything) interesting happened over the past 40 days!